Parks and Recreation

- OKAY, OPEN THIS ONE. HERE, I'LL HELP YOU.

- WHOA! DOCUMENTS.

YES.

THIS IS YOUR ORIGINAL INTERN APPLICATION,

YOUR ORIGINAL PARKING PASS.

THIS IS YOUR ORIGINAL PHOTO I.D.

- DID YOU GET THAT OUT OF MY PURSE?

DOESN'T MATTER.

AND THIS IS A COPY OF YOUR VERY FIRST PAYCHECK.

WHO'S THAT FROM?

- ME. IT'S FROM ME.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

THANK YOU, LESLIE.

- OPEN MINE. - IT IS. IT'S NICE.

I MEAN, IT CAN BE A LITTLE SAPPY AND SENTIMENTAL

TO KIND OF FRAME THINGS, BUT IT'S ALWAYS NICE TO REMEMBER

THE BEGINNING OF SOMETHING, YOU KNOW, THE START.

AND WHEN YOU-- - AH!

RON, FOR GOD'S SAKE.

SHE'S AN ADULT NOW.

SHE SHOULD KNOW HOW TO RESPONSIBLY HANDLE

AND DISCHARGE A WEAPON.

THAT THERE IS A SIG SAUER .22-CALIBER MOSQUITO,

MANUFACTURED IN SWITZERLAND FOR THEIR PUSSY POLICE FORCE.

THIS TWO-TONED, LIGHTWEIGHT MODEL

IS PERFECT FOR A SKINNY, LITTLE THING LIKE YOU.

GEE, THANKS, RON.

- I WILL HOLD ON TO THIS FOR YOU

UNTIL WE GET YOU LICENSED UP,

AND THEN I'LL TAKE YOU FOR SOME TARGET PRACTICE.

GOODY.

- YEAH, I DO FEEL A LITTLE GUILTY.

I'M RE-GIFTING.

OH, THAT'S GREAT.

I'D LOVE TO HEAR ALL ABOUT YOUR FAMILY VACATION.

- HEY. - OH, THANK GOD.

GET OUT, KYLE.

HELLO, BIRTHDAY GIRL.

HA!

DID YOU LIKE THAT? - YES.

- THAT HIGH FIVE WAS YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

JUST KIDDING. THAT WASN'T IT.

I GOT YOU SOMETHING ELSE.

I WROTE YOU A SONG.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

YEAH. - WHAT'S IT CALLED?

- I'M NOT TELLING, BUT I'LL GIVE YOU A CLUE.

IT'S NAMED AFTER A MONTH OUT OF THE YEAR.

SO APRIL?

NO.

THAT WOULD'VE BEEN WAY BETTER.

- - UM...

WELL, WHATEVER. I CAN REWRITE THE LYRICS.

- UM, ARE YOU COMING TO MY PARTY?

- YEAH. I WOULDN'T MISS IT FOR THE WORLD.

ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - OKAY, COOL.

- OKAY. - UM, WELL...

WE'LL HANG OUT THEN.

OKAY.

IT'S GONNA BE FUN.

YES, I AM 21 YEARS OLD TODAY...

WHICH IS THE AGE THAT PRETTY MUCH EVERYONE AGREES

MAKES YOU AN ADULT.

*

"IN THE WORDS

"OF THE GREAT 19TH-CENTURY OUTDOORSMAN JACK LONDON,

"'YOU CAN'T WAIT FOR INSPIRATION.

"YOU HAVE TO GO AFTER IT WITH A CLUB.'

"WITH THOSE WORDS RINGING IN OUR EARS,

"WE PROUDLY PRESENT OUR PLANS FOR A NEW PARK

ON MUNICIPAL LOT 48."

THAT'S GOOD.

I KNOW.

THE YEARLY BUDGET AND PLANNING PROPOSAL FOR A CITY

IS CALLED THE "MASTER PLAN."

AH, ISN'T THAT JUST SO AWESOME YOU CAN'T STAND IT?

IT'S MOSTLY FILLED WITH BORING, BUREAUCRATIC LANGUAGE,

SO I TRY TO SPICE IT UP A LITTLE.

"SO I SAY THE FUNCTION OF MAN IS TO LIVE, NOT TO EXIST.

"I WOULD RATHER THAT MY SPARK SHOULD BURN OUT

"IN A BRILLIANT BLAZE

THAN IT SHOULD BE STIFLED BY DRY ROT."

- YOU WROTE THAT?

JACK LONDON, AGAIN.

IS THERE TOO MANY JACK LONDON QUOTES?

NO, NO.

- YEAH, I MEAN, YOU CAN NEVER HAVE ENOUGH.

- THAT IS EASILY THE MOST EXCITING BUDGET PROPOSAL

I'VE EVER HEARD.

- WELL, I'M PRESENTING IT TODAY.

AND IF IT FLIES, WE ARE GONNA GET OUR MONEY TO BUILD A PARK.

I MEAN, IT ONLY TOOK US 15 MONTHS TO DO THIS.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. - WOULD'VE TAKEN 13 MONTHS

IF YOU HAD AGREED TO WORK ON THE WEEKENDS, BUT STILL,

IT'S GREAT.

- IT'S AMAZING. -

WELL, THE MEETING'S AT 10:00.

COME OVER TO MY OFFICE FOR CHAMPAGNE AFTER.

- I DON'T THINK I SHOULD DO THAT.

- OH, RIGHT. MARK.

OH. AWKWARD. -

I ENDED THINGS WITH MARK A COUPLE OF DAYS AGO,

AND...

I'M NOT GONNA TALK ABOUT IT.

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING.

DO NOT MISS TONIGHT'S APRIL LUDGATE BIRTHDAY BASH.

9:00 P.M. AT THE WORLD-FAMOUS SNAKEHOLE LOUNGE--

THE PLACE THE PAWNEE JOURNAL HAS CALLED

THE SEXIEST, MOST DANGEROUS CLUB IN TOWN.

- THAT'S NOT WHAT THEY WROTE. - FINE.

I ADDED THE WORD "SEXIEST,"

BUT WE'VE HIRED BETTER SECURITY.

YES, I AM A GOOD FRIEND FOR THROWING THE PARTY.

I'M ALSO A GENIUS, BECAUSE I'M USING THE OCCASION

TO STOCK THE CLUB WITH EVERY AVAILABLE HOTTIE I KNOW.

CALL ME A ROMANTIC,

BUT I BELIEVE BY THE END OF THE NIGHT,

I WILL HAVE BETWEEN ONE AND FOUR NEW GIRLFRIENDS.

- OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE OUR LITTLE GIRL'S ALL GROWN UP.

OH, DAMN THE WHEEL OF THE WORLD.

WHY MUST IT CONTINUALLY TURN OVER?

JACK LONDON.

- YEAH. - NICE.

OKAY, LET'S GO, BOSS.

WE HAVE A MEETING TO GO TO. - YAY.

ONCE A YEAR, EVERY BRANCH OF THIS GOVERNMENT

MEETS IN A ROOM AND ANNOUNCES

WHAT THEY INTEND TO WASTE TAXPAYER MONEY ON.

FOR A LIBERTARIAN SUCH AS MYSELF,

IT'S PHILOSOPHICALLY HORRIFYING.

THEY ALSO REALLY CHEAP OUT ON THE SNACKS.

HYDRAX COOKIES?

DID YOU KNOW THERE WAS AN OFF-BRAND HYDROX?

I DID NOT.

THEY'RE NOT BAD.

GOOD MORNING, EVERYBODY.

NOW, I KNOW YOU ALL HAVE YOUR BUDGET PRESENTATIONS READY,

BUT THERE'S A CHANGE OF PLANS.

DUE TO THE CRIPPLING GRIDLOCK IN CITY COUNSEL,

WE ARE POSTPONING

ALL PLANNING AND SPENDING DECISIONS INDEFINITELY.

UM, UNTIL WHEN?

INDEFINITELY.

- AND WHEN WILL THAT END? - LATER THAN NOW.

SO THIS WEEK PROBABLY?

- LOOK, WE ARE BORDERING ON A FULL-BLOWN CRISIS, LESLIE.

THE STATE GOVERNMENT IS SENDING A TEAM

FROM INDIANAPOLIS TO TRY TO SOLVE

THIS BUDGET PROBLEM.

- "IN THE EVENT THE MASTER PLAN MEETING IS CUT SHORT,

"IN THE EVENT I HAVE LARYNGITIS

"AND I CAN'T PRESENT THE MASTER PLAN,

IN THE EVENT THE MASTER PLAN MEETING IS MOVED ONTO A BOAT..."

LOOK, I'M PREPARED FOR EVERY SITUATION...

EXCEPT FOR THE ONE WHERE THERE'S NO MASTER PLAN.

JUST CALM DOWN.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY'RE GONNA DO.

RON, THEY'RE STATE AUDITORS.

THEY'RE NOT GONNA COME AND PAT US ON THE BACK.

THEY'RE HERE TO SLASH AND BURN.

WELL, I'D BE FINE WITH THAT.

THIS GOVERNMENT IS DISEASED.

IT'S LIKE A BIG, FAT, ANGRY SLOB

SPENDING MONEY IT DOESN'T HAVE ON CRAP IT DOESN'T NEED.

MMM, MMM, MMM.

ME WANT MORE POINTLESS SOCIAL PROGRAMS.

YUMMY, YUMMY, YUM.

- THAT'S WHAT GOVERNMENT DOES, RON.

IT PROVIDES SERVICES.

THEY'RE GONNA TRY TO ELIMINATE EVERYTHING WE DO.

WE GOTTA FIGHT THESE GUYS.

- THEY'VE BEEN SENT BY THE GOVERNOR.

THEY OUTRANK EVERYONE.

THERE'S NO FIGHT TO BE HAD HERE.

- YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT-- I'M NOT GONNA FIGHT THEM,

EXCEPT THAT I AM!

OKAY.

LESLIE...

WHAT DO WE DO WHEN WE GET THIS ANGRY?

- WE COUNT BACKWARDS FROM 1,000 BY 7s,

AND WE THINK OF WARM BROWNIES.

GO DO THAT IN YOUR OFFICE.

GO DO IT IN YOUR OFFICE.

- AND WE'LL WAIT FOR THESE GUYS TO SHOW UP.

- I'LL WAIT FOR YOU TO SHOW UP.

- YOU DON'T NEED TO BRING ANYTHING BUT YOUR GORGEOUS BODY.

AND GET THIS--COVER CHARGE IS NORMALLY $15.

SAY MY NAME AT THE DOOR, IT'S $13.50.

ANDY!

YOU COMING OUT TONIGHT, PART OWNER OF THE CLUB?

- UH, YES.

LET ME ASK YOU A QUICK QUESTION.

WHAT'S THE YOUNGEST A GIRL CAN BE

THAT IF, UH, WE GO OUT, I'M NOT A TOTAL SCUMBAG?

YOU KNOW THE OLD RULE.

HALF YOUR AGE, PLUS SEVEN.

- HALF MY AGE PLUS SEVEN. OH, OKAY.

WELL, I'M 29 SO HALF OF...

29...ADD SEVEN,

THAT'S ONLY 20...IS--