Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Good morning, Diaz, Peralta.

Captain. You're smiling.

It's very weird, like seeing a turtle out of its shell.

I'm happy.

Our drug task force was a success,

and today, I get to watch my Nemesis, Madeline Wuntch,

drape a medal around my neck.

Also, we cleaned up the streets.

Yeah, sure. That's good too.

So I've been planning how to zing Madeline

when she puts the medal on.

I have the perfect line.

"Wuntch-time is over."

It's a... It's a play on "lunch time."

Yes, devastating burn, sir.

But you know what would really show her

is if you said nothing at all.

Oh, interesting. Interesting.

Let Madeline know she's not even worth

my staying up all night crafting zingers.

"Wuntch-time" took you all night?

Trust me. Turn the other cheek.

Which I recently learned is about faces and not butts,

but works either way.

Yes.

I should be the bigger person.

That shouldn't be hard, given that

Madeline's not technically a person.

For meritorious service, the NYPD bestows this award

on detectives Rosa Diaz, Jake Peralta,

and Captain...

Raymond Holt.

Raymond. Madeline.

You won.

Go ahead and gloat, you toad.

Thank you for this honor, deputy chief.

Oh. Okay.

You're welcome.

Wuntch-time is over.

Boom! Did it!

Had it both ways.

No regrets.

Listen up, gang.

We have intel on a drop house used by Alexei Bisko,

a Captain in the Ukrainian mafia.

Oh, he should be psyched.

That's a very up-and-coming mafia.

His soldiers use the site

to drop off money and pick up weapons.

We need a couple of teams to do long-term stakeouts.

I'm out.

Four hours is the most

I've ever spent alone with any human.

It was the worst experience of my life.

What about that time we drove out to Boston together?

That was about four hours.

Oh, I see what just happened.

The only decent vantage is this condemned hotel

across the street.

We can go in as exterminators,

but too much movement will look suspicious.

It's an eight-day op, so two teams will do four days each.

Boyle and I are in.

Okay, that's one team.

Who wants to relieve them?

If extraction is a risk,

the two of us can do the full eight days.

A Hanukkah miracle.

No, that is too long to be holed up together like that.

I did a six-day stakeout once.

Did not go well.

Well, that's not gonna be a problem for us.

The only time I ever yelled at Charles

was cheering him on at his roller boogie competition.

We never fight.

It won't be a stakeout, it'll be a stake-cation.

We already have a theme song.

That concludes this meeting.

Ooh, what's this?

None of your business.

"None of your business"?

The most enticing words a person can say.

Terry, I will not leave your side

until there are no secrets between us.

Fine.

I'm making my twins a picture book for their birthday.

It's called june bug Adventure girls.

Whoa, this one looks just like you, Gina.

Yes.

She is straight-up gorgeous.

And this one's definitely you.

Look how masculine the clothes are.

It's a suit of armor.

Pantsuit of armor.

The drawings look like you two,

but only because it's easier for me to draw from real life.

The whole squad's in here.

Tiny squirrel is Charles, the walrus is Captain Holt,

and the hippo with heads on both ends,

that's Hitchcock and Scully.

How do they defecate?

It's a kid's book, Santiago!

This is why I didn't want to show it to people.

Pickin' it apart.

Oh.

Oh, my God, did you carry us up here like suitcases?

No, man.

This is real life.

I rolled you in on the cart.

Boo!

Terry sucks! Terry sucks!

Terry's great. Terry's great.

Where do you want the food?

And does braided herring

and jellied starfish count as food?

Oh, indeed it does.

I may be stuck in a tiny room,

but my palate will travel the world.

Listen up.

This is a real small room.

If you start getting on each other's nerves,

do what I do with my babies:

Go to separate corners.

We call it "alone zones."

All due respect, sarge, but we don't need "alone zones."

No, we do not.

But let me ask you a question.

How do we feel about scone zones?

I feel great about it.

Me too.

Sarge?

I'm a muffin guy.

Boo! Boo!

Great news, my friend.

We have a bathroom pet.

His name is Horace, and he's either a small rat

or a large cockroach, and he's either sleeping or dead.

Here's the schedule:

Eight hours both on watch;

Eight hours I sleep, you watch;

Eight hours you sleep, I watch.

I set an alarm.

I made the perfect ringtone.

Listen.

I love it.

All right, we got binocs,

camera, night vision goggles, computer, and...

Mini-basketball.

Oh, my God, I love that.

My whole problem with basketball was big ball, tiny hands.

Tiny ball, problem solved.

Oop me.

Ready? Ooping. One, two, three!

Did that look as cool as it felt?

How cool did it feel?

Mm.

Everyone, this is my nephew Marcus.

He's new in town.

He's staying with me until he finds a place.

He is 31.

You're a terrible hype-man.

And you must be Gina.

I heard a lot about everyone.

I take it you're Amy, Rosa, Terry...

I'm Jake. We're both Jake.

Scully and Hitchcock.

Hey, well, I just came to get the keys from my uncle Ray.

Let everybody get back to work.

Nice meeting you. Pleasure.

Bye.

Holy Moses.

"Bye"? What?

For you, that's basically walking up to him

and jamming your tongue down his throat.

Shut up.

Yes, Gina, that's enough.

You're right. Sorry.

Too far.

But let me just add one little thing off topic.

Rosa wants to bone your nephew.

Wow.

That sleep apnea mask is something else, huh?

I got to say,

ever since I got her... Her?

She touches my lips, Jake.

She's a her.

And since she took up residence on my face,

I sleep like a baby.

Okay.

Well, while you slept,

there was some action at the drop site.

A blue sedan pulled up.

I got the plates and the driver's face.

Also, this is the guy who runs the drop house.

I call him "the beach umbrella" because he looks so shady.

Oh.

Hey, this is a kind of weird request,

but would you maybe mind chewing your nortfluskers

with your mouth closed?

I can't, and I'm excited to tell you why.