Last Man Standing

Yeah. Right.

Yeah. Hey.

How was the gun range?

Brutal.

Isn't that what makes it fun?

I was just a little off today.

A little off? You'd have been better with a moving target.

A target that moves in front of your bullets.

Very funny, Dad.

Mom, can I borrow a couple of bucks?

I thought you were doing pretty well playing outside the mall.

Well, I was doing okay until a human statue

set up next to me and siphoned all my tips.

We'll, bring a pigeon. That'll get rid of the statue.

Look, uh... if you need extra money,

why don't you come down and stock shelves at the store?

Stocking shelves? What?

Honey, what if she hurt her hand and she couldn't play guitar?

What if a box fell off a shelf and put out her eye?

There's 1,000 ways to get hurt at Outdoor Man...

with guns, knives, arrows, and all that stuff.

You want money.

Thank you.

Money that isn't crumpled and wet.

Fancy.

Okay, okay, sweetie.

Glad we could help! (Chuckles)

What the hell are you doing?

Helping one of our kids. You used to like that.

Well, knock it off.

I don't want you to make life easy for Eve.

The tougher things are for her now,

the more open she will be to going to college.

You want me to make her life miserable so that when she sits alone, she goes,

"Well, I might as well go to college 'cause my life sucks"?

Yeah, that'd be great.

All right, I've got all this information

to show her the advantages of going to college.

I've got stats galore. (Chuckles)

"Stats Galore"... the most boring Bond girl ever.

And I made snacks, but I don't want her to feel too comfortable,

so they're ones she doesn't like.

Wow. All vegetables. What, do you hate her?

Hey, guys.

Hey, hi.

Hey, just here to pick up Great-Grandma's quilt.

Oh, uh, yeah. It's in... It's in the linen closet, Kris.

Uh, listen, please be careful with it.

It's the only thing I have of hers.

Except the risk of early-stage dementia.

I'll be careful of both things... if I can remember.

Um, what did you guys want to talk to me about?

Is it about Kristen's thing with quilts?

She's... She's on a fast track to old age.

She saved half an egg yesterday.

Uh, no, no, no. We... We want to talk to you about the benefits of college.

I really don't want to talk about that.

Good. We'll talk, you listen. Sit.

Okay.

On average, college graduates earn 85% more than high-school graduates.

Mm. Well, money isn't everything, Dad.

Yeah, but money buys everything.

Okay, I really don't have time for this right now.

No, listen, listen... t-the deadlines are approaching

on the acceptances you got last year.

So if you don't go this year, you officially become a townie.

Maybe Eve doesn't need to go back to school.

Kris, what... what are you doing?

I'm just saying, you know? I didn't go to college.

I did okay.

Well, maybe she won't be as lucky as you and marry so well.

What... What, is she just supposed to forget about her music?

I mean, you should hear some of her new songs.

I love that one about the bear.

Hmm, I did not write a song about a bear.

I hear them through the floor. The lyrics are a little muffled.

Okay, all right, look.

No one is saying you have to give up your music,

and... and I love bears, so, but... but...

but college can offer you so many more options.

Yeah, just in case no one wants to hear a song about a bear.

There is no song about a bear!

Whatever it's about, it's great, okay?

So you do not need to go to college.

You do. You do. You need to go to college.

Go to college. Stop pushing me, Mom.

You know, Kris, we really love you, but stop coming over.

There's my high-powered, executive husband working away on important stuff.

Hang on.

I'm almost done with this Harry Potter quiz.

Honey, why do you spend so much time doing those things?

If you need magic in your life, hello!

Me!

Hello, this!

Let's see... "What Hogwarts professor

removes his turban to reveal Voldemort?"

Oh, please.

Professor Quirrell.

Boom! 50 out of 50!

What is it with you and Harry Potter?

Well, you know, lots of stuff.

We both lived under the stairs.

He owned an owl, and I am dying to own an owl.

Kyle, I need you to run a few errands for me, please.

I want you to pick up my dry-cleaning,

get the car washed, take my dog to the vet, all right?

Oh, uh, does he need shots?

Uh, no, just the one.

He's being put down.

Oh, my God.

Ed, I'm so sorry.

Don't you want to say goodbye to Bogey?

No, that's why I need you to do it.

Look at you, acting all brave when we all know you're in a lot of pain.

Yeah, it's killing me.

All right, anyway, so, uh, dry-cleaning, car wash, vet.

All right?

Oh, and since this is his last ride in the car,

let him sit in the front seat.

Oh. Do the car wash last.

That poor man.

He already has so few people in his life.

Did you know he only has 18 followers on Instagram?

Yeah, three of them are me.

Hey, Dad.

If you called me to lecture me about going to college,

you really don't have to.

We never have to lecture our kids.

We just want to.

I mean, you don't have to because I've already decided to go to college.

I just didn't want to talk about it in front of Mom

because she's not gonna like where I decided to go.

You're going to Michigan, not Ohio State?

Oh, that's gonna tear her up.

Let me tell her.

It's the Air Force Academy.

It's too late to apply to the Air Force Academy.

Well, I already applied and got accepted.

You did that without your mom and I knowing?

What, do you want to learn to be a stealth fighter pilot?

Well, first off, I'm 19... Don't need your approval.

And yet you always want it.

Sad, but true.

Anyway, I made a really good impression on my Admissions Liaison Officer,

who helped me through the process.

And remember the congresswoman who nominated me for West Point?

Yeah, of course.

She was just as happy to nominate me for the Air Force Academy.

So, even a Democrat could see how good you are.

You really got into the Air Force Academy?

I really did.

I am... I'm so proud of you.

That is great news!

There's that approval I crave.

Well, your first mission will be to see if you can survive telling your mom.

When you didn't get into West Point,

your mom and I figured you were done with the military.

Well, I was, but you told me to keep my options open.

So I thought about it, and I applied to the Air Force.

Listen, when you tell your mom, downplay my role in this, okay?

It's a good thing that I took my gap year

because it gave me a little time to bounce back.

Plus, it gave me a great topic for my admissions essay...

"Why I Hate West Point."

And the rival academy ate that up.

Imagine that.

So... So the Air Force. Air Force!

Or as the Army likes to call them, "the Uber of the sky."

We're the shock and awe.

The Army just marches in and gets hugged by the happy villagers.

So, how are we gonna tell Mom?

I got to get her in a good mood, that's for sure.

That'll involve a movie, some ice cream... and I may have to touch her feet.

Okay, we only got a couple of minutes.

He just pulled into the parking lot.

Oh, he's gonna be so happy.

Being able to work side by side with his best buddy forever... Yeah.

...thanks to the miracle of taxidermy.

Aww! Isn't he cute?!

Yeah, I mean, you know Bogey was in kind of rough shape,

so I had to spruce him up with some bobcat fur and weasel teeth.

Honestly, it's your best work yet, really.

I think it's even better than that squirrel you made with the top hat.

Ah, good morning, everyone.

Morning, morning, morning, morning.

Good morning, Ed. Morning.

What are you two grinning about?

Oh, nothing.

It's just a good day to be alive...

...or appear to be alive.

Kyle, may I have a word?

What am I looking at?

Well, that's Bogey, sir. Mostly.

What's it doing in here?

It's healing your pain, Ed. Ah.

We all know how much you loved him.

Yeah. A-And now you never have to say goodbye.

Or "stay." That's kind of his thing.

Yeah.

Gosh, he's so lifelike.