Son of a Critch

Adult mark (v.O.): Every spring at st bridget's,

We'd take a trip to the pool.

If you didn't learn to swim in that one hour a year,

You were out of luck.

And at 13, I...

Nice robe, dickhead!

Adult mark (v.O.): ...Was definitely out of luck.

Maybe it was a survival mechanism.

For every known generation 'til pop,

All the critch men had drowned.

-Hey, put that down! Jamie!

What did I tell you about rough-housing?

Come on!

Adult mark (v.O.): There was something about a field trip

That made teachers powerless.

Hi!

What's with the outfit?

Still can't swim?

-Of course, of course I can swim.

I just...

I had a huge lunch, and you know they say

You should wait at least three hours before I get in the pool.

I'm heartbroken.

Middle fox: Cannonball!

-Oh, my god. What's...

This is how I learned.

Help! Help!

Very funny, faker.

Give it up.

Adult mark (v.O.): When you spend your days

Playing the fool,

Nobody believes you when you cry for help.

Adult mark (v.O.): I sank like a stone.

A stone wearing a bathrobe.

The air left me, and my panic was replaced

With the calmness that giving up brings.

I gave in to the water.

I felt completely at peace.

Mine was a short life, but it was a good life.

The light was so beautiful that, for a moment,

I wanted to go to it.

-Fox: Mark! -

Am I dead?

You should be.

Fox saved your life!

You mean...

I almost died?

- -mr byrne: Critch!

What'd I tell you about lying on the pool deck?

Mark: What?

Tina: My sister got me this mascara that doesn't clump.

I love it. I use it all the time.

Dumbasses.

Oh, frig.

Mike jr: I'm mike campbell filling in for dick dunphy

On dick's discs.

Sorry, I'm late, b'ys.

Whoa, what happened here?

Wha-- this?

Oh, that's from a beer bottle.

Me and candy broke up. She's some mad at me.

-Dick, mr. Murphy is looking for you,

And he is not happy.

-You better get to work now before he--

Late again, dick?

How many times is it now?

I told you if you didn't start flying right,

I'm gonna fire you, buddy!

-Please, no, mr. Murphy, I can't lose this job.

Me girlfriend dumped me.

I'm homeless.

I only ever lives with girlfriends.

-You can get your own apartment, dick.

No.

I find love, and then take root.

Like a sexy dandelion.

Where you live to, gertie? -

-Dick. You're done! -Oh, god, please!

-Mr. Murphy, I'll talk to him, sir.

I'll make it my personal responsibility to--

Mr. Murphy: Fine.

Take the basement apartment over at mike's house.

Next door better be close enough to get you here on time,

Dick dunphy!

-Uh, look, with all due respect, mr. Murphy, it's my house--

Mr. Murphy: It's a company house, mike!

That makes it my house!

And I can put whoever the hell I want in there!

Well...

Kinda sounds like you're dick's new girlfriend, dad!

Um, sister rose said to come get you.

We're loading up the bus.

Frig off.

Tina: First time?

Come out. I can help you, really.

Um, here.

You can keep this on until we get back to school.

They'll have what you need there.

Oh...

Uh... Thanks.

And... Sorry.

For what?

Come on, you can sit next to me on the bus.

Mike sr: well, this is it.

Dick: I never even knew this was down here!

-Pop: What are you up to? -Shh-shh-shh!

Mike sr: It's been empty for a while.

Dick: Gee, mike, b'y! It sure is nice.

Is that dick?

Dick: I owes ya.

Thanks for helping me move in, buddy.

Mike sr: Alright, I'll be upstairs if you need anything.

Move in?!

We got a rat.

No...!

["we're here for a good time" by trooper playing from basement]

Hmm.

Mike...!

What the actual frig?

This wasn't my idea, alright?

Mr. Murphy wants him down there.

He's got nowhere else to go.

Anyway, at least I got a key. -Good.

Then I'll just go down and ask him to turn the stereo down

Before I kick the living crap out of it.

-No! This is only to check the furnace

Or the hot water boiler.

No more going down there.

This is only for emergencies!

-This whole damn situation is an emergency!

Mary: Yeah.

Fox: Okay. Yeah, I'll see ya.

-Hey. Uh... Thanks for saving me.

Even though you almost killed me.

-Whatever. -Uh...

You know, there was a chance we'd get together before.

But then I made things weird by dying.

Look on the bright side.

She liked you enough not to let you drown.

Adult mark (v.O.): I didn't drown,

But I was sinking into a deep depression.

Copy down these math questions.

Adult mark (v.O.): I had bigger problems than even sister rose

Could give me, and questions even she couldn't answer.

Like, can you really cheat death?

E-four.

Miss.

Next time...

I'll get ya.

Sister rose: Any questions?

Mr. Critch?

What happens when we die?

Excuse me?

Mark died recently.

I saw something.

-And what, pray tell, did you see?

Nothing.

Come now.

Don't be shy.

No, that's what I saw.

Nothing.

Just a light.

A beautiful light, and it was warm and peaceful.

And I wasn't afraid anymore.

Could that be heaven?

Ha!

Impossible.

Heaven is most certainly not nothing.

It has angels, harps, and st. Peter.

The bouncer of paradise.

Maybe you didn't get in.

-"if anyone's name was not found in the book of life,

"he was thrown into the lake of fire."

Revelation 20:15.

Maybe that was your light.

You saw hell?

Wicked.

Sister rose: The bible is very clear