In a Relationship

First time we hung out, what did I think of you?

Yeah.

When was that, was that the night that...

Come on, you're kidding.

Remember I brought Willow over to that apartment...

you and Matt had in the East Village?

Yes, of course, I remember.

Let's see, I thought that you were really hot...

but also that you may murder me in my sleep one day.

Shut up.

You want one tea bag or two?

That's it? You just... you thought I was hot?

Yeah, I mean, I had never seen you naked before.

That was a great night. - (KETTLE WHISTLING)

I fucking miss New York.

When we were there, you missed L.A.

Okay, I remember looking at you that night...

and thinking you weren't like anyone I'd ever met before.

I thought that you were very special.

Do you want honey?

One tea bag and yeah, honey.

Aren't you gonna ask me what I thought?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Never mind.

Okay, here's your tea.

You really need to get rid of this couch.

I can't do that, I'm sorry. I like it too much.

Well, it's old and it's disgusting...

and even Goodwill would reject it at this point.

So, I think it's time for you to take it upon yourself...

To just do whatever you want me to, at all times of the day?

Please.

Look at you.

- Wait, stop, stop! - What?

- I think my Nuva Ring fell out. - What?

Now I don't feel like it's in there.

You can feel that?

What does it look like?

Like a glow bracelet.

It's not in the hat.

- (SIGHS) - Is that it?

You know what's on HBOGo?

What?

The Stephen Hawking movie.

We were just like... fucking. You want to watch that?

I don't feel good.

- Wait, I just... - Please?

I can't go from almost fucking to Hawking, I just can't.

You can.

Only 'cause you're sick.

Shit, what time is it?

Matty's out front, I told him he could ride with us to Malibu.

We really need to find him a girlfriend.

- (PHONE VIBRATES) - How about your cousin?

Willa? She'd eat him up like a praying mantis.

Hi, are you at mine?

Hey, I made it! Let me in.

(OVER PHONE) I slept at Owen's actually, sorry!

But I left you a key under the flower pot.

We're leaving soon, so just meet us in Malibu.

Oh, uh...

- Oh, sorry, child lock. - Thank you.

Hold on, hold on. Here you go.

- What was it too many? - Yeah.

- It's good. - Well, now.

Gotta get you some sun before Willa gets here, you know?

You look like Tilda Swinton.

- Do you want some? - No, I don't.

- I don't like it. - It's so good.

It's gross, everyone puts their hands in there.

- But it's the good stuff. - No, it's not.

It's all in your teeth.

So when is your hot cousin get here?

Okay, no, she literally just moved here.

Do not pull a Matt on her, it will not end well for you.

- She's hot. - She is hot.

And she's coming, right?

Yeah, she's in an Uber, you happy?

- Hallie, what's up? - Oh, hi.

Glad you guys made it, would you like a beer?

Yeah, thanks.

I'd love one, thanks.

Honestly, I gotta fucking pee so bad...

Wanna bet you break the seal before I do?

If you win, I'll convince Hallie to talk you up with Willa.

If I win... you have to give me your Bang Bros password.

- Deal. - Done.

You are one lucky fuck, you know that?

- What? - I'm just saying you're free.

You're free! I wish I was.

You wish you were free? All right, fucking Ted Nugent...

well, you wanna know what I do with my freedom?

Last night, I ate an entire rotisserie chicken...

and diarrhea'd like 12 times.

I only had three hours sleep, 'cause I had such bad diarrhea.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh. - Hi.

- I love you. - What was that?

- What? - What were you guys doing?

- Don't be crazy. - Why, you think he's photogenic?

Oh, fuck, this, I lose.

Honestly, you embarrass me in front of my friends.

He's not like doing anything, stop being crazy and have fun.

Oh my God! Oh my God!

Oh my God! I'm so sorry, Willa.

Wait, how do you know my name?

Oh, we've met... several times.

I'm Owen's best friend, Matt.

Oh, yeah, shit, sorry.

I'm just really bad with names and faces.

- So, like, people? - I guess.

Now we really know each other.

- Hi. - Hi, babe.

Look at us, just "meeting up." So casual.

Stop, stop.

Hey, hey... why are you acting so weird?

I'm fine. Maybe let's just go home soon.

You don't wanna watch the fireworks...

- with your new boyfriend? - This is a way-better spot.

The walk is gonna be worth it.

You're insane, I mean, are you serious?

You're actually insane.

I don't feel great and I wanna go...

and I want you to wanna go, too.

It's the Fourth of July!

Can't we just celebrate the Declaration of Independence...

without you having a manic fucking episode?

I also think I left a candle burning...

and it's haunted me all afternoon.

That's never happened, that never happened.

- Happened once. - That happened once in your life!

I can't focus on anything else!

Okay, also lower your voice, okay, everybody can hear us!

Nobody can hear us, nobody cares!

Everybody's outside watching the fucking fireworks display...

which, by the way, I would like to be doing right now.

People can hear us and it's embarrassing for both of us.

Stop pretending you care about something...

just so you can be mad about it.

I'm not! You know what, why don't you learn...

how to apologize without having a whole comeback?

We fight at every fucking party.

I honestly feel like I'm like 14, this is too exciting.

Just me? Okay, cool.

I like those ones.

- The all-glittery ones? - Yeah.

You wanna watch It's Complicated?

I'll fall asleep to whatever you want.

- Hey. - What?

Hey.

Okay, so how do we know each other?

Oh, well, Owen, Hallie, and I went to school in New York...

so I guess probably when you came to visit sometime maybe?

Okay, I vaguely remember that.

Yeah, you guys came over to me and Owen's place...

in the East Village after some party, and you and I hung out...

and drank Brooklyn Lager while it snowed...

and watched the sun came up.

I mean, yeah, I think that was it.

I don't even remember, it was a long time ago.

No, yes, wait!

That was the first night...

that Hallie and Owen hooked up, right?

- Yeah, right! - Yeah!

Wait, where are they, anyway?

Oh, Owen texted me, they had to leave.

Yeah, I should probably get going soon, too.

I just remembered, I left my car at Owen's.

Do you think maybe I could get a ride?

Yeah, I don't have a car, I'm just Ubering for right now.

Oh, well, you want me to get us one back to the mainland?

I mean, I'm on the way to Hallie's, you can drop me.

Okay, um, but split it with me...

because I'm sure it's fucking expensive.

No, stop, don't be silly.

Are you sure?

Yeah, honestly, my treat.

You know what time I think it is?

What?

How about this, huh? A little bit of swivel hips?

You like my, uh, get down for you, mama, like that?

Gonna get nice and deep for you tonight, baby.

There you go, nice and deep, good angles.

Stop!

You're insane.

You gotta have the rythym, you know?

You don't have a lot of rythym.

I think you're done, you're done.

I didn't shower... should I?

Yeah.

Aw fuck, they're increasing the rent to this place in September.

I'm not gonna be able to afford this.

I'm probably gonna have to move?

Ugh, I'm sorry, that's awful.

Between the rent for this place, my student loans, my Propecia...

I can't.

Well, one way you could keep living here...

is if I moved in officially.