I Feel Bad

Mmm-mmm-mmm. That spice rub smells amazing.

Do you need any help basting? I am an excellent baster.

What are we rubbing down?

- Me. - Okay, no.

Yep, Mom's back has been hurting since last week

when she tried to pick up a ham but she won't go to the doctor

because she's stubborn and because, of course,

there's nothing a turmeric paste can't cure.

This is the original Ben and Gay.

Mom, listen, you smell so delicious that I'd love

to serve you over a bed of rice

but I think you need to see a doctor.

No! My friend Gurjinder went to the doctor.

Now she's dead.

That's not why. Okay, Mom,

I need you to go to the doctor because I care about you,

and because I need you to take care of our kids.

- Yeah. - Mom's home!

Mom, mom, mom, mom!

Aww, my babies.

After working all day, I look forward to this.

Mom, tell Louie that's my keychain.

He needs to give it back to me. He threw his away at Taco Bell.

Those are false allegations; this is my grizzly.

It's chewed on one end, and I chewed it!

Nobody needs a keychain because neither of you owns any keys.

That's not the point; it's special to me.

It's special to me! Chewing it brings me comfort.

Okay, we'll work on that... Wait, no, Mom. No!

Problem solved.

Come Louie, take this and rub it on my hard to reach places.

God, I can't believe I let my mom take care of my kids.

_

Getting my mom to go to the doctor

was a lot like tricking a dog into going to the vet.

You gotta promise a treat to get them in the car.

Oh, boy. I can't believe I'm finally seeing "Hamilton."

Nothing takes away pain like a three hour hip-hop musical

about a treasury secretary.

Yeah, just got to get the tickets from my friend Deb in her office.

Poor little buddy. She has no idea what she's in for.

Are we there yet?

Mom, I'm doing this for your own good.

What? A doctor?

I should have known this was a lie.

You have no friends.

- All right, come on. Come on. - No!

So, my mom is confined to bed rest in her house.

Okay, Mom, you heard what the doctor said.

You have a bulging disc. You need to stay off your feet

and rest so that you can heal.

If Sonny is going to take care of me

who is going to take care of the children?

Some stranger who will duct tape the baby to the couch

so she can go outside and smoke a doobie pipe?

Yes, Mom, I know what you think about strangers

taking care of the kids.

That it's white people nonsense

like sunscreen and supporting public radio.

You know, without our support, National Public Radio

would actually be in dire, dire...

- It's not the time. - I'll sit this one out.

With family at least you know they'll do best for the kids.

Mom, you took the kids to Gurjinder's funeral.

Yes, I used it as a lesson.

I said, "She didn't finish her vegetables."

Oh, my God, Mom.

Please just focus on getting better, okay?

The kids will be fine.

Yes. I will take some work from home days.

I will rearrange some commitments.

It won't be easy, but we will manage.

Oh, Googaloo, only you know how to ease my pain.

- Sing to me, Sweetie. - For you, my love, anything.

You know what? We're gonna get out of here.

Guys, sorry I'm late. This morning was stressful

because my parents aren't around.

Oh dear. So sudden. It's just that there's nothing

that can prepare you for this, is there?

Chewey, do you seriously think

that I would come into work if my parents had just died?

- Yes. - The answer is no.

My mom's back is out and my dad is taking care of her.

David couldn't even go into work.

We're such a mess.

Ah! I think I put coffee in Louie's lunch box.

Ugh, okay, well, we'll find out tonight.

Why don't you just hire a nanny?

You're a freaking millionaire.

Okay, Griff, just because I'm your boss

does not mean I'm a millionaire.

Also, as much as I fantasized about having a nanny

my mom would freak out, and she'd be right to.

I mean, those are my babies.

If Jake was in danger do you think a stranger

would throw down their life for him?

Well, actually, I can answer that question

as I've had many nannies, but I'll never forget about Tabitha

who risked it all to scoop me up at a polo match

when a stampede broke out on our property.

Wait, you've had a lot of nannies?

Wait, you grew up on a property?

Just a small farm with a small castle and polo grounds.

Chewey, are you, like, royalty?

No, don't be silly. No.

No, nobility. Yeah, the correct title is baron,

which is just a lord who owns land, basically.

And you never mentioned this, why?

Well, it's very unbecoming of a lord to mention he's a lord.

It's like if you went to Oxford.

You wouldn't walk around telling everyone, "I went to Oxford."

- Did you go to Oxford? - Yes.

So, how do we get ahead of this scandal in the skies, David?

Well, Dennis, the press is going to spin this

like we kicked a breastfeeding mother off an airplane,

because that is in fact what we did.

So I think it's... whoops...

I think it's really important that... that we let people know

that we have the second lowest breastfeeding mom kickoff rate

of any domestic airline, umm...

What are you doing? Dad's doing work.

I'm going viral, momma.

Uh, David, is this not a good time?

No, this is a great time, Dennis. Umm...

Dennis?

Is that that bald turd you're always talking about?

- Ems. Ems. - No, babe. What?

Uh, little bit of a Skype problem at home.

I need to go into the office.

So, can you take the kids for the afternoon?

- Yes? - No, no, no, David.

- This is not a daycare. - Emet. Emet, watch.

I'm gonna do it. Emet, Emet, check it out. Ready?

Yeah, no, for children. It's not a daycare for children.

Okay, I tried working from home. It wasn't productive, so,

we can't keep our jobs without help.

So either Lily is the mom now, or we hire someone.

You guys shouldn't be so worried.

Okay, having a nanny isn't all bad.

I mean, sure, some of mine were cruel,

and some of them were kind, but one thing's for certain:

It's like Mary Poppins but depressing.

Yeah, it's something.

Okay, fine. David, you're right.

Maybe we should just do it.

We'll hire a nanny until my mom gets back.

All right, what should we tell your mom?

Are you crazy? Nothing.

If I can hide dating a white guy for a year

I can certainly hide a nanny for a few weeks.

Check out my big red ball. Watch!

Okay, you know what? Just ignore. Ignore him.

- Do not talk to him, ever. Ever. - Side by side.

Okay, what if the nanny is a sociopath or a meth addict

or has a weird sized eye that I can't stop looking at,

and then she senses that it's making me uncomfortable

and she takes it out on the kids?

On paper this woman is more qualified to raise our children than we are.

Oh, I like her knock.

Mm-hmm. Knock says a lot about a person.

Just a sec. Nice to meet you. Come on in.

- Hi. - Hi!

- I'm Anna Mae. - Yes, hello.

Hello, Mommy. And this must be my friend, Jake.

Now you come to me, little smoosh muffin.

Just don't be offended because he does sometimes

take a minute to just warm up to strangers and...

He's just fine. Wow.

Little trick... I just dab some banana behind each ear.

Kids love it. Unfortunately, so do fruit flies.

- Sure. - Oh, there's one.

Louie, give me back my hair tie!

Guys, cut it out!

Louie!

- It's my hair tie! - I need it!

Is that what I think it is, young man?

Wow, I have heard of those

but I can't believe you actually have one.

This is not a hair tie or a weapon.

This is a magical sibling bonding band.

Hurry up! Show me your wrist before it loses its power.

Wow. I feel it.

- Oh, this bitch is good. - Yeah, that is the real deal.

Who are you?

Yeah, uh, guys, this is Anna Mae and she's your new nanny.

'Cause she's magic.

So, what do we want for dinner? Chicken pot pie?

Are you more of a crusty bottom or like a biscuit top guy?

- Well... - Wait. Both?

Can you love two women at once?

Yes.

Uh, me and Griff have been talking

and we want to come to your castle.

Yes. You've taken dumps at both of our apartments

so it's only fair.

And I know black people are allowed now

because Duchess Meghan kicked down the door.

Hi guys, good morning.

Anna Mae made muffins. This woman is amazing.

I mean, she cooks, she cleans, she tricks the kids.