MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Them bones, them thigh bones, them hip bones, them knee bones.

I haven't seen so many broken bones since the Army‐Navy game of '24.

What schools played in that game? I don't know. I had lousy seats.

These marines may be great fighters, but they're lousy drivers.

It isn't easy for a troop truck to make a U‐turn after it's gone over a cliff.

Actually, these boys are quite lucky. They're missing all the horrors of war.

Not so lucky. They'd been there. They were on their way back.

This guy landed right on his chest.

He's got fractured ribs, a lacerated lung. I'll have to do a lobectomy.

If there's too much of a problem, Hunnicutt, I can take it.

There's a fractured femur here for you.

Thanks all the same, Charles, but I've done at least 50 of these.

Oh, really? That's almost half as many as I've done.

I beg your pardon, rookie, but in what war?

The big one‐‐ the war of the Boston commuters.

The contingency does not exist for which I am not prepared.

You name it. I've done it successfully.

Oh, yeah? Have you ever done a mesenteric arterial thrombosis?

Before or after medical school?

Dr. Winchester leads, one to nothing.

Oh, yeah? How about an abdominal aortic aneurysm?

‐ Yes, but it was very difficult. ‐ Oh, you actually admit that.

Yes, of course I do. It was during a power blackout.

The snow's getting pretty thick in here.

How many in this room can say they have performed a porta caval shunt?

‐ I can do a cartwheel. ‐ During an appendectomy.

‐ I thought so. ‐ Game, set and match to Major Winchester.

He hasn't won anything. We're just as good as he is.

Now, the hip bone is connected to the neck bone.

No, no, it's connected to the thigh bone‐‐ No, no, wait a minute.

This serving ain't a bad gig, Miller.

Once you lose your sense of smell, you got it licked.

I'll handle the spuds. You dish out the stew.

Here's your ladle. Oh, thank you. It's very nice.

Is it plugged in? I beg your pardon?

Testing, testing. One, two, three, test.

Works fine.

Very funny.

Lunchtime, folks! Grab your platter and watch it splatter.

‐ Have some stew, Colonel? ‐ What kind is it?

Could be beef, pork or water buffalo.

We'll never know, and it won't tell.

Well, as long as it's dead. Spoon it on, son. No toast.

One brown puddle. Hold the shingle.

Uh, I think I'll have some of that too.

I wouldn't, Rabbi. It may not be kosher.

Oh, that's all right. I'm not orthodox.

I don't know what you're pulling here, Miller,

but work the other side of the street.

How about this one? What?

Beer Belly Gus broke his own record.

That's unbelievable. What's a Beer Belly Gus?

Just the biggest brew guzzler in the west. It says right here...

he just chug‐a‐lugged a whole half keg at the Petaluma Lumberjack Festival.

That's as easy as falling off a log.

Let me tell you about Skowhegan Seth, our old Maine fishing guide.

He once fell in a seven‐foot brewer's vat.

He would've drowned if he hadn't drunk his way down to five feet.

Imagine if he had pretzels with him.

Gentlemen, your tall tales are... mildly amusing.

Care to hear a short true one?

Gather around the campfire, partners.

Old Gabby Winchester is about to open a crock of Boston‐baked bull.

‐ You boys never give up, do you? ‐ My story can be verified.

I have my Bible if you'd like to swear on it.

Perhaps later.

Paddy O'Gorman, our former handyman,

was a prodigious drinker.

At my sister's wedding, when it came time to toast the happy couple,

there was not a bottle of champagne to be found.

We looked down the aisle, and there was Paddy belching from the bubbly,

setting up all his empties for his own private bowling tournament.

He got you. I don't even have to hear yours.

I don't swallow that for a second.

Boots Miller on the move here in Korea, where the men are rugged.

You can see it in their voices.

I'm about to interview one of these brave and courageous young soldiers.

What's your name, soldier, and what do you do?

My name is Colonel Potter, soldier, and I bust wiseacres like you.

These Brooklyn boys have a language all their own.

How about you, trooper?

Please. I have ladle fright. Hi, Mom.

Klinger, you in charge of this man? Miller, gimme that.

Please! We're on the air.

Klinger, protégé of yours? What do you think, I'm crazy?

Listen, this place ain't big enough for two psychos. Come on.

Aha! Here's a young lad with the peach fuzz still fresh on his cheeks.

How old are you, sonny? Sonny? What's going on here?

‐ Now, now, don't be nervous. ‐ Why is this man talking into a spoon?

‐ They're out of forks. ‐ Just stay away from me. Isn't one of you enough?

Major! And now let's pause...

for a musical salute for these brave young soldiers.

It's Rosemary Clooney and "Come On‐a My House."

Klinger, you better keep an eye on Rosemary Loony.

Kellye, come here.

It's a lot of pain here. Where's that damn morphine? Radar's breaking out a new box.

Tell him to step on it. This kid's in a lotta pain.

When it gets here, set up an eight milligram I. V. Yes, sir.

Psst! Sirs?

Uh, listen, sirs, this is the last box.

One lousy box and that's it? Stuff's so popular, we can't keep it on the shelves.

If that supply truck doesn't get here by 1800 hours,

we're gonna have to wait till tomorrow. What time is it now?

1830. Well, this should keep us going through the night okay.

Doctors, quick!

He's burning up.

Could be a pyrogenic reaction. Maybe the morphine's contaminated.

Or he's got a raging infection of some kind. He looks bad.

Think we got him in time. Kellye, alcohol rubdown.

Keep him cool and set up a penicillin I. V.

‐ Till we find out what this is. ‐ Yes, sir.

‐ What happened? ‐ We're not sure.

This kid had a peculiar reaction to the morphine.

‐ You're sure it's morphine? ‐ That's the first thing I checked.

We've either got contaminated morphine or an acute infection.

Eighty‐six this stuff. Break out another box.

‐ Yeah, well‐‐ ‐ Something wrong?

Can we talk in the lobby?

All right, what? That's the last of the morphine until tomorrow.

Oh, dandy. Just once I'd like to see supply get here ahead of demand.

You'd think they'd give preference to their steady customers.

Radar, tell those paperweights in Seoul we may have a bad batch.

I'll tell them we need more. Get more here extra pronto.

It's gonna be a long night.

Hold it right there, soldier! I'm from Movietone News, and I want to get your picture.

Now just act natural, stay in the light.

Come off it, Miller. Who you kidding?

You can't take a picture with a microphone.

No profile shots, please. I don't have a wide‐angle lens.

Okay, that does it!

Sit down.

It's time we had a little nut‐to‐nut talk. Take it from an old pro.

You might get an "A" in perseverance, but that's it.

This microphone bit is strictly for sandlot psychos.

This is the big league, guy.

Up here it takes seasoning, finesse.

So from now on, you just shut up, put down your spoon and watch me.

Okay. Good. I don't want to have to tell you again.

You won't. All right. Now let's get some sleep.

We got guard duty in two hours.

Good night, Miller. Good night, Klinger.

Good night, Mr. Shoe.

Huh?

How could I forget?

Good night, Mr. Sock. And don't you worry about this little hole.

Mr. Toe doesn't mind a bit.

Night.

Night.

Whoo!

Folks, we've got a real lulu on our hands.

Littered with wounded,

sitting on what could be a rotten shipment of morphine.

What about Seoul? Can't ship till tomorrow.

So the $64 question is, "What do we do in the meantime?"

And for the grand prize, what do they do in the meantime?

Why are we condemning an entire shipment of morphine because of one man's negative reaction?

Because that one man almost died. Would you care to try for two out of three?

Charles, in all my experience as a doctor, I have never seen a reaction that bad.

In all my experience as a doctor...

and almost head of thoracic surgery at Massachusetts General‐‐

There he goes again. I have never heard such a hasty and unsubstantiated conclusion.

Colonel, he's right. Let's try it on a second man.

Roll up your sleeve, Charles. I loathe you, Pierce.

I call your loathe and raise you two despises.

Well, we've got to do something. Icing the wounds is not gonna be enough.

‐ I prescribe the morphine. ‐ Sure. It's quick, effective, possibly lethal.

‐ We're not really loaded with options, are we? ‐ Pierce, close that door.

Now what I've got to tell you has to be kept within the confines of this room.

‐ I mean it. ‐ Go ahead.

Back in Hannibal, MO, when I was about eight years old,

we lived across the street from old Doc Schumacher.

Of course you did.

Simple country doctor. A lot of horse sense.

One night my Aunt Grace was visiting,

came down with a terrible migraine.

Poor woman was in agony. When we called Dr. Schumacher,

he said he'd come over and see what he could do.

‐ All this is top secret? ‐ No. Let me finish.

Anyway, he shows up with something that he said would really do the trick.

Gave her a couple of pills, told her not to worry,

she was gonna be fine, completely cured.

Sure enough, in about a half an hour, she was up baking me cookies.

‐ What did he give her? ‐ Two sugar pills.

A placebo? He gave her a phony cure?

Nothing phony about her recovery.

Look, I'm happy for Aunt Grace, but we're talkin' about compound fractures.

And we're a long way from Hannibal, MO.

The body can do remarkable things if the mind will let it.

Now, if we sell it, really sell it,

it just might work.

‐ But they're still sugar pills. ‐ Not if they believe it's morphine.

Next thing you know, we'll be sticking pins in little dolls.

‐ Spoken like a true shrunken head. ‐ I say it's worth a try.

Well, if we don't give them something, they're gonna be in a bad way.

I, for one, refuse to take part in this ridiculous charade.

Charles, we're all in this together.

And if you breathe one word of this out there,

I promise you a pain nothing will cure.

We need absolute security. Anything negative will kill it.

Pierce, Hunnicutt, why don't you go to the pharmacy...