Perfect Sisters

Ever since I can remember...

it was always my sister and me against the big, bad world.

I am telling you guys...

you are so gonna dig our new crib. It's really cool.

So far, I've counted seven pawn shops and...

11 liquor stores.

No. You're gonna love it.

It's got way more space than our other place...

it's got really cool shopping nearby, there's a mall.

And it's a chance for us to make a fresh start.

It's gonna be kick-ass.

Can you please not say kick-ass?

Or dig? Or you know, crib?

Okay, Beth. Sorry that I don't know the lingo.

Sorry that I'm not so hip.

Can't I go live with my dad?

No.

I honestly can't remember a time...

when my sister and I didn't cling to each other like velcro.

God, we slept in the same crib till we were four.

Bobby didn't show up till Boyfriend Five. Maybe Six.

He's seven.

Okay, you gotta get up and help now.

- I can't do it all by myself. - As if.

Come on, Sandra.

Okay.

- Come here! - Oh, shit!

You gotta get off me, you cretin!

Why so glum chum? Smile!

Our new shack is, shall we say... uninspired.

- Oh, don't be sad. I hate it, I hate it. - I am sad.

- Please, please, please! - Okay, just get off me!

Okay, I say that we do a "what if."

You know, like, like what if...

there is a hidden laboratory in the basement?

And, not unlike the imaginings of Mary Shelley...

we build the perfect monster?

Did you say the perfect mother?

What's up, baby girls?

We gotta do way less unpacking and way more buying you guys shit at the mall.

- Yes! - That's just impractical.

Strawberry cupcakes? Your favorite.

She's so sweet! I like her.

No.

Boring.

Namaste.

- We kinda need that. - Too zen.

The spiritual thing would get on my nerves.

- Love the Chanel suit. - Money!

- Money's good. Money is important, but... - Money!

Oh, my god!

That's you in 20 years, you know that!

So many moms, so little time.

All of them good, none of them perfect.

Yeah, but she looks hot.

I don't even think that's her face. I mean...

Stop it.

Hey.

I know that moving again was the last thing you girls needed.

And I'm so sorry we had to do it again.

But I know this is gonna sound really corny...

I really believe...

that we can overcome anything together.

- Okay. Okay, can we keep her? - Look! The babies are dead!

What happened?

Sometimes when a hamster-mom feels like her babies are in danger...

they'll kill them so they won't have to go through the pain of someone else doing it.

You see, not many kids have had to deal... with the things weve had to deal with.

So there aren't really many people out there who can understand us.

I mean, all weve really got...

all well ever really have, is each other.

Meet the neighbors.

Yes!

- Welcome home. - Ta-da!

See? It really is gonna be great here.

Are you shitting me?

Language, Beth.

They gave me graveyard tonight, but...

I guess it's a start, right?

And if you weren't working, youd be making duck a la orange, right?

I'm really trying.

And I would appreciate just a little bit of positivity from you.

Okay.

Oh! Wish me good luck.

Good luck.

Thanks.

Now, when you've lived in as many places as we have...

you develop an ability to make yourself at home...

faster than the average Josephine.

And the most crucial of all interior design elements is lighting.

I mean, good lighting can hide anything.

Okay. So?

What do you think?

Hottie or nottie?

Sometimes I'm amazed we share the same genetic material.

Didn't answer the question.

I've always known I was destined for greatness.

And senior year? That's when the clock starts ticking.

I mean, if you're gonna win the Nobel Prize, a Pulitzer, and an Oscar...

this is when ya gotta start bringin it.

You know, Beth...

you are just a junior. Okay? A little tiny caterpillar...

who can't even begin to appreciate...

the magnitude of my butterfly-ness.

Kay?

You will someday.

Everybody I know has always thought...

"Why would something big ever happen to me?"

And I've always thought, "Well, why wouldn't it?"

Suit yourself.

Oh, wow, that's dark.

You want the limelight, I wanna be in Twilight.

Actually, I'd settle for just a single spotlight.

Come here, I'm gonna drink your blood!

It's amazing what one little summer break can do.

I mean, I almost forgot how Banana Republic the general pop is around here.

Oh, my god. He is so fetching.

You think that I have a shot with him now that I've got the new look?

Yes, Sandra. I'm sure the captain of the football team...

is dying to take a slutty welfare chick to prom.

Well, he is dating Ashley.

Whatever. I'd disown you if you actually went out on a date with that stump.

Goth Lord, ten oclock.

I think that's Justin Ross.

You know a guy 10 years, you only wanna blow him when he starts wearing mascara.

It's amazing what one little summer break can do.

What's with you?

What's with her?

She's a senior now.

Come on. First day of school!

Isn't it like so cute when juniors fall in love?

- So cute! - Yeah.

So your mom moved away over the summer break...

but the two of you moved in with your aunt...

because she still lives in this school district?

Yes. Yeah, we discussed it as a family...

and we came to the conclusion that since I'm now a senior...

and Beth here is a junior...

that it would be best if, you know, we..

So if I were to call your aunt right now...

she'd say the two of you are living with her?

- Such would be the case. - We cannot tell a lie.

Your grades...

are...

excellent.

Yeah, well, we actually both speak four different languages...

English, of course, French, Dutch...

and something that we made up when we were younger.

Umgursta, Beth?

Ain dach lostren vor, Sandra.

- Inside joke. - Well, wherever you live...

Armstrong is always happy to keep it's A" students. So...

- I guess everything stays the same. - Yay!

On the path to greatness...

one can't be afraid to draw a little attention to oneself.

So I'm like, why? I mean, he's the psychiatrist.

He's 12 years older than me.

He got me pregnant, and yet I'm being kicked out of group?

I mean, isn't that what happened?

Yeah, there was this whole big thing with the APA. It was crazy.

Exactly. So then I'm like, You know what?

Do whatever you want, but I need privacy.

Come on. Is any of that true?

- Define true. - Oh, my god.

How was work?

Oh, fine. You know...

some doc thought I messed up a blood draw, but...

It'll get better.

I got yo back, sistah.

- Thanks for taking such good care of us. - You're welcome.

You're the best.

Bye, Beth.

I can't believe she's blowing off Bobby's parent/teacher thing.

She's not blowing it off, okay?

I offered to go for her.

Wait, what?

- She has a shift. - She wasn't even wearing her uniform.

Yeah, I know. She's getting changed there.

And did you see how she looked?

When has she ever gotten all hoed up like that for work?

So...

given all that...

he's quite a bit behind the rest of the students in a few subjects.

Yeah. You know, I'm not really comfortable... putting Bobby on any drugs.

Maybe this is a conversation I should be having with your mother?

I can assure you, I'm going to be relaying all of this to her.

You're drunk.

Where's the bottle?

- Oh, my god, Mom! - No, don't take that! That's...

Shit! You have an 8:00 shift this morning!

No, I don't. It's too early.

- It's 9:00. - You weren't even working last night!

Okay, you just missed Bobby's parent-teacher thing so you could party!

This is not okay!

You have a family that needs you.

- I guess I had a lapse. - Yeah.

You know, with the move and the new job...

and I'm already fucking that up and I'm fucking up the job.

But I'm sorry and I'll try harder, I will...

cause I'm lettin you down, aren't I?