Are You Being Served?

Nearly 8:30 ladies,

you're supposed to be finished no the floor by now.

- We're not used to coming to work this early.

My old man had a fit with his licker,

had to get his own breakfast.

If you ask me it's ridiculous,

opening the shop at this hour.

Who wants to go shopping an hour past eight in the morning?

- One has to experiment, that's why we built the Concord.

Hear that Ethel,

he'll let us come in to work on the Concord next.

Good morning Captain Peacock.

Good morning Mr. Rumbolds.

What have you got there?

- A cup of coffee, and what was described at Fred's Caff

as a bacon butty.

- I thought Mrs. Peacock always got your breakfast.

Not at 0600 hours.

I tried to wake her up.

She turned over, and murmured something

which sounded remarkably like get knotted.

- Still I'm sure the early start will pay dividend.

What did I tilly, we've got a customer already.

Can I help you sir?

Don't be daft, it's me.

My dad gave us a lift in on the back of his motor bike.

We picked up Mrs. Slocum on the way.

- That's rather dangerous, three of you on a motorcycle.

She was in the sidecar.

This is the last time.

Willy said it was a T.T rider, I thought he meant,

he didn't drink. (audience laughing)

- Well I told you to face the front. (audience laughing)

- I couldn't bare to see where I was going.

Oh he's going to cost me a fortune at Madame Barrels

to get this knot back into shape. (audience laughing)

- Well, at least you're here on time Mrs. Slocum.

Time for what? (audience laughing)

There won't be any customers you know.

And what it's doing to my domestic arrangements.

Having a bath at six O'clock in the morning,

played havoc with my pussy. (audience laughing)

I mean he sleeps in the airing cupboard,

and the gurgling of the tank woke him up.

Ah ha, Mr. Granger.

Reliable as ever.

I've had the most unpleasant experience.

Mrs. Granger hit me over the head with a bottle of bismol.

- Didn't your wife under cook your breakfast either?

- Apparently, when I woke her up, she was dreaming

in which she was on Aero Flynn's yacht.

Oh, well she's got a friend.

- No, no, it was much more complicated than that,

she was Areo Flynn.

I shall have to sort it all out when I get home.

- Now well, only Mr. Humphreys and Mr. Lucas to come.

Yes, Mr. Humpreys maybe a little late,

he was going away for the weekend I believe.

- Oh well, I hope in all, continue to make a special

effort to get here on time.

Because I'm sure that the sales figure is resulting

from the early opening, will fully justify my faith

in the new system.

You're not joining, I hope.

- Of course I'm not joining up, it was the only way

I could get to Newcastle to Ponteland and four o'clock

in the morning. (audience laughing)

People are very kind to the services you know.

You were lucky to get away with it.

You know you should have the name of your ship

on your headband.

If the Naval Police had spotted that, you'd have got

in to trouble.

- And I've got in to worse trouble if they'd

seen what was on before.

What was that?

Kiss my Quig. (audience laughing)

- Didn't anyone thing that the umbrella was peculiar?

- Oh yes, but when they questioned it, I said it was

to keep my hair dry in the fair Iles. (audience laughing)

You know, I'm surprised you didn't wear

the whole uniform.

Oh well I used to.

But people kept wanting to touch me collar for luck.

- I bet you met a lot of nice girls that way.

I did.

Not to mention a roving reporter, a trendy bishop,

a string-vestite, and a dustman with a very interesting

tale to tell. (audience laughing)

In our places everybody.

Oh come on it, full tier.

Mrs. Slocum, uncover your bust please.

I beg your pardon?

Your counter bust Mrs. Slocum,

we're open for business.

Oh yes, of course.

- Captain Peacock, I don't want to be a tell-tale,

but our Mr. Lucas is not in yet.

Isn't that correct Mr. Humphrey?

- Yes, that's correct Mr. Granger. (audience laughing)

I'm quite aware of the situation,

but you did right to bring it to our attention.

I just hope he has a good excuse.

Good morning Captain Peacock. (laughing)

You know, you're never going to believe this,

but my poor old crippled mother,

overslept this morning and she forgot to wake me up.

Then I missed the bus, so she had to give me a lift

in her invalid carriage.

I kept telling her to put her foot down,

her good one, that is, (audience laughing)

and then the police stopped her for speeding

and they gave her a breathalyzer.

But now unfortunately she only had time to cook

my breakfast this morning and all she had was

a quick liquor chocolate on the way out,

well now, it was still on her breath when she blew

up the bag you see. (audience laughing)

And all the time, I've been to Bowstreet and bailed

her out, well, I was very nearly late.

You are late Mr. Lucas.

That's because I met young Mr. Gray's

on the ground floor.

"Ah, good morning Mr. Lucas" he said, how clever

are you to get here on time.

Well by the time I told him how I was very nearly late,

I was. (audience laughing)

But go on, you can ask him.

- But at least you could've shaved before you left home.

No, I been shaving all morning sir.

I mean it's the battery, you see,

they're getting a bit low.

Me mother uses em during the week in her deaf aid.

How did it sound? (laughing)

Wonderful.

Makes Doctor Who's adventures seem quite normal.

And it's much better than the one about you

helping to delivery a baby, for a titled lady

on a bicycle, that had to remain anonymous.

- Ah well, here we are at 8:30 in the morning,

when's it all going to start then?

When's the rush going to happen?

- Well, to quote Mr. Rumbled, the creative platform

of this idea, is built upon, is based on the premises,

that by opening earlier, we shall catch customers

on the way to work.

- Well if you ask me, people on their way to work,

won't have time to buy anything.

Good morning sir, are you bring,

oh you are.

Sixth suit on the dummy in the window,

32 pounds, size 38.

Can I help you sir?

That's it!

Oh it's heck yes, that's the new line,

and very popular indeed you know, it's in plier,

and goat wool, and

50% manmade fiber, and then you,

Mr. Granger,

- Not when I'm selling Mr. Humphreys, please.

It's sold Mr. Granger, he's gone.

- But I never told him moodle sleeves would ride up

with wear.

Glass of water for Mr. Granger.

Good morning sir.

Gloves.

- Size? - This is seasonable weather.

Large.

This.

Color?

Black.

One large black.

Fits.

How much?

Five pounds.

- I see that you're interested in gloves sir.