Instructions Not Included (No se Aceptan Devoluciones)

Oh!

INSTRUCTIONS NOT INCLUDED

My Dad used to say that fear...

...is like the creatures in nature that man can tame.

A creature? Like which one?

Like...

...like a wolf.

- Why a wolf? - Because if a wolf...

...sees you're scared, it will attack you.

You have to stare back at it...

...to learn how to tame it, to scare it away.

- Sha! Sha! - Sha! Sha!

Sha. Sha. Sha.

He'd also say there were big fears and small fears.

Hold on, son. Everything's okay.

That's why I named you Valentin. Because you're so brave.

Dad, please, let me out of here! Dad!

My Dad not only prepared me for this world's fears.

Hold on, kiddo. It's almost midnight.

Tame the fear son. Everything's okay.

Remember... Sha, sha.

Sha! Sha!

He also prepared me for the fears of the afterlife.

Please, Dad! Let me out, Dad!

Sha.

Come here. You're so brave, son!

Congratulations! What happened?

- Did you pee yourself? - No, it wasn't me.

- It was the wolf. - What wolf? You're crazy.

- Let's go home. - No, let go of me!

- I don't love you anymore! - But I do!

Come on, let's go find some ghosts! Run!

Even though, honestly...

...I was never able to master the small fears...

Don't throw me in the water, Dad!

- ...or the medium ones... - It's for your own good!

If you do this, you'll never be scared again...

- ...or the big ones. - Dad!

25 YEARS LATER

Unh. Kiss me.

But if I couldn't master the big fears...

...the medium fears and the small fears...

I love it when you grab my hand.

...let alone the mother of all fears:

Valentin...

...marry me!

Commitment!

Valentin!

- Valentin... - Hm?

...do you love me?

- Mm-hm. - Why?

I love you because...

...because you're different.

Because you're... different.

Because you're different.

Because you're different!

Do you love me?

I adore you, Julie.

You're my first and last love.

20 MONTHS LATER...

Can you just hang on a second, okay?

Valentin.

Yes?

Have we met?

I... I was your endless love.

What?

I was your eternal love a year and a half ago.

Oh, yeah! Right!

- Is that your baby? - Yes.

Did you get married?

No, you idiot! She's your daughter.

No. Hold on a minute!

I don't want to have children.

I don't want troubles, and that baby doesn't even look like me...

Do you have ten dollars?

- What? - Ten dollars, to pay the cab.

No, I don't have dollars. Let me see...

Hold on.

Ch-ch-ch-ch! Stop that! That's not your food.

I don't think your sister is coming back for the baby.

The truth is...

...it looks like...

...I'm the baby's father.

You did it with your sister?

No! No, no!

No, it's just that... Well... she's not my sister.

But she did go to pay the cab, though.

Well...

- Here! - What?

What?

I just remembered I have to go to the doctor.

Yes, I have a problem with my... prostate.

Yes. Bye, honey.

Women don't have prostates.

No?

Well, that's why I have to see a doctor. Bye.

Hey, but... you said you'd stay the whole weekend!

Hey, you know your mom.

She wouldn't leave you here, would she?

Would she?

Hello?

Hi, it's me. Julie.

What Julie? Oh, Julie!

Look, I'm... I'm sorry.

Please take good care of her. She's just a baby.

- Julie, where are you? - I...

- Julie! - I can't.

I can't do it.

I'm sorry.

...what is it you can't do?

Julie!

Julie, where are you? Julie!

Passengers on Flight 2264 bound for Los Angeles...

...please proceed to Gate 9.

I'm such a moron!

The next time I leave you alone and you don't say anything...

...I swear I'll leave you.

AIRPORT

DEPARTURES

Excuse me, ma'am. Have you seen a blond girl...

...kind of hippy, in her twenties?

Julie!

Julie! Julie!

Your baby!

Your baby!

Julie!

No, no. It's hard. It falls down!

- Valentin! - Can you change diapers, Sammy?

Yeah, sure. It doesn't have to be disgusting.

It's dirty, but you have to...

...I just go to the bathroom and wash my hands afterwards.

- Where's Judeisi? - She's over there. I'll call her.

Judeisi!

What is this?

That's it, my baby.

She's full of crap.

I'll change her diaper.

What's your name? What's her name, Valentin?

I don't know.

It must be here.

Maggie?

Her name is Maggie. She's named after a sauce.

- Have some vegetables, kid. - What are you doing?

I'm giving her carrots.

That's too spicy.

Why don't you just keep her?

It's high time you settled down.

No way! What would I do with a baby?

Goodbye freedom, goodbye tourists!

What will I do for a living? I might even have to get a job.

And you'll have to learn English.

'Cause when she starts talking, you won't understand her.

I'll have to send her to school, feed her.

Every day, three times a day.

And speak to her like a dummy so she'll eat.

Eat, baby! Eat, baby!

And I'll have to watch Barney over and over.

One day she'll ask me why she's growing boobs.

When she's older, she'll want to borrow my car.

I'll have to beat up her boyfriend when he knocks her up. No, no!

Besides, I'll suck as a Dad.

Hey, I have an idea! Write to Angelina Jolie.

Tell her the baby's from Acapulco or Oaxaca.

Maybe she'll adopt her.

I know! Let's go to your house.

I found this other box.

You must have something from that Julie woman.

Didn't she leave you a souvenir?

She did.

But I got rid of it with penicillin.

I mean, a telephone number, an address. Something.

Here's a letter from a Julie. A Julie.

- Really? - Yes, look.

- She wrote a letter? - Didn't you know?

She wrote it a year and a half ago.

Look!

Let me see!

Does she say how to contact her, a phone number, anything?

No.

It only says:

"I miss you kissing my..."

How very explicit!

Kisses from L.A.

What does L.A. mean?

Loving American, no?

- Look for her at this hotel. - What hotel?

This one. Look. California Hills Hotel. It looks like she works there.

Where is that?

Hey, that's in Los Angeles. I barely understand English.

I hate the language. I always flunked it.

Besides, I'm broke.

And you're scared of flying. Really scared.

You're crazy. I'm not scared of planes.

Well, then you have no choice but to keep the baby.

Oh! She's so beautiful.

You'll end up falling in love with her.

I've never been scared of airplanes.

It's just that...

...if we go by road, we'll save money.

We'll have more time to chat.