The Carmichael Show

The Carmichael Show is taped

in front of a live studio audience.

What are you... You can't dance like that to Biggie.

Hey, I like that song. Is it new?

What... How the hell do you not know that song?

It's so important.

People get married to that song where I'm from.

This place has really come to life since it's been Maxine'd.

You added pillows.

You came in, you added tampons and pillows.

Really? Live with a woman for five minutes,

already gonna make a tampon joke?

Yeah, well, someone's got to be brave enough to do it, Maxine.

Hey, it's our first mail together.

Yeah, yeah.

And it says "Resident."

Well, that's us. We're Resident.

So how have you told your parents yet?

Ooh. About what?

About us living together?

Oh, that. No, no, not at all.

What... Come on, you said you were going to.

It's been, like, four weeks.

I know, and then I thought about it and I was like,

"Hey, let's just never do that."

What's this "last chance to register" thing?

Oh, this? They trying to get me to vote.

Let me take care of this for you.

What? You don't vote?

I... Look, in 2008, right,

I saw this man rise from being poor and black in America

to the greatest office in the United States.

Actually... the greatest office in the world.

And I felt pride, you know? I felt inspired.

He inspired me and so many other people.

I mean, so many other people, I figured,

hell, he doesn't need me. Like, I think he...

he won the Nobel Peace Prize,

and I don't even know what he did.

All right, you know what, enough politics.

Don't try and shy away from the topic.

We see your parents all the time.

I mean, we're going to their house for dinner later.

- They should know. - You know what,

you're right, Maxine. We shouldn't talk about politics.

And why bother, anyway? 'Cause your vote doesn't count

and democracy is dead.

Now, why would you say that...

No. No, no, no, no. Stop trying to deflect

from the real subject.

- Women's rights. - No.

Why can't we tell them? Your parents are harmless.

Yeah, they're harmless now, because they don't know

how serious we are, all right? But once they find out

we moved in together, it's gonna change everything.

Like, my mom's gonna give a million reasons from the Bible

why that's wrong. Then my dad's gonna start...

I really don't know what he's gonna do. He's a wild card.

But he's probably gonna do something crazy and give advice.

But right now it's cool, it's peaceful, you know?

Because you mean nothing to them. I mean, nothing.

But, like, in a good way, you know?

Wait a minute.

My brother's here.

Text him back and tell him you're not home.

I can't lie to my brother. I can't even tell a lie.

I'm like George Washington.

Bet you wouldn't have voted for him, either.

That's more because of the, you know...

slavery.

How long after you've been divorced is your

ex-wife/roommate allowed to sleep with somebody else?

Immediately. You're divorced.

Look, man, I came home, and there was a butt-naked dude

sitting on my couch watching my TV, and there...

and there was sex musk still in the air.

Like, a bunch of sex musk.

I'm sor... I'm sorry, wha...

What's that? What was...

Sex-sex musk.

I have no idea what he's saying.

Sex musk, okay?

It's the musk in the air after you have sex.

Oh, sex musk.

Oh, sex musk. Oh, okay. That is hard to say.

That's pretty interesting. Sex musk.

Look, Bobby, technically she's your ex-wife,

so she's free to do whatever she wants.

You know something? Look, you are so neg...

Not for long, okay? It's all gonna be over.

I'm gonna be out of there soon, because my business

- is about to take off, Jerrod. - Nope, nope, nope.

Stop calling it your business

when you know it's a pyramid scheme.

I know, I get it... you went to business school.

But I'm from the school of hard knocks.

Mm. Not a real school, bro.

Say what? Look... '03, valedictorian.

Stop it. Stop it.

Bob.

The next time there is a sock on the door...

That was unclear.

...and a sign that says "sexual intercourse in progress,"

do not enter.

Do you know how uncomfortable you made Lamont?

You wouldn't watch the game with him.

He's trying to make friends with you.

You hurt his feelings. You need to go apologize to him.

I don't give a damn about no Lamont!

Hey, hey, hey.

You guys maybe want to finish this in your own apartment?

Oh, I'm gonna have a argument wherever I damn... Hey, girl!

- I was just about to cuss your man out. - (Maxine chuckles)

Please do.

Oh... Are you all having a fight?

- No. - Yup. Y...

She's mad at me 'cause I'm not registered to vote.

Mm, I wish we had them problems.

No. N-no... (chuckles)

That's not it. I just want to tell your parents

that we've moved in together.

No!

You crazy?

Dude, you cannot let Mom and Dad

in your personal life like that.

Man, they are too judgmental. You know, they scare me.

They hurt my feelings. That's why I haven't

even told 'em me and Nekeisha are divorced.

See, Maxine?

What? How long

are you gonna keep that a secret?

Forever.

Mm-hmm.

So I've been thinking about this problem you have

with telling your parents we live together.

And I think I came up with the perfect solution.

You did?

I'm just gonna tell them tonight.

- You will not tell them tonight. - Oh.

You don't control me. I'm not your girl puppet.

These strings are cut.

I'm like a puppet out of a horror movie.

No, no, no, Maxine, you will not even mention...

- Hey! Mommy. - Oh!

Come on in.

I'll be right out with the snacks.

Okay. Maxine...

you will not tell my parents we're living together tonight,

and if you do, I will deflect, I will distract,

and you won't be able to get a word in.

We'll see about that.

Oh, we will see about that, won't we? We will see...

- Hey, hey! - Hey.

Oh... Come on, what's that on your plate, Dad?

Ribs with a nacho cheese dipping sauce.

You just had triple bypass surgery.

It's like you're trying to commit suicide.

No, now, wait, wait, wait.

What happened was I was eating some ribs.

And I had this nacho cheese dipping sauce,

and then I thought, "Well, hell."

He did. He did that.

Why are you proud of this? And why are you

out of breath? And all you did was walk from the kitchen.

Listen boy, I work a ten-hour shift

driving trucks every day.

When I come home, I want to eat something

that helps me forget how hard life is.

You're not gonna stop me from enjoying this.

If I have to raise these hands

to defend these ribs, I will.

And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance

- and furiou... - Hey, we brought you guys something.

Oh! What is this?

It's Pinot Grigio.

Pinot... Wha...

- It's white. - Oh.

You like white, right?

Not as much as your daddy.

Is it sweet?

Uh, not really.

Oh. Okay.

Okay, well, Jerrod and I have something to tell you, don't we?

Th... Yes.

Yes, we do. We have something very, very important

we should say.

- Really? - Yeah. Yeah, that's right.

I figured it's time to tell you guys. And I didn't

want to say anything, 'cause I thought you'd be

mad or something, but I am...

thinking about registering Republican.

Oh, no.

Jerrod, you know we didn't raise you that way.

I know, but I was thinking about it. Like, do we really know

- why we voted for Obama? - No, that is not what...

No, I'm not saying he's doing a bad job or anything.

I'm just saying none of you could tell me why

you voted for him without using the words "hope" or "change."

Michelle.

Or Michelle.