Good Boys

(grand orchestra fanfare playing)

- (desk creaks) - (school bell rings)

("Jungle Fever" by Chakachas playing)

Oh, fuck yeah.

(woman in song breathing heavily, vocalizing)

Why's your door closed, Maxie?

Dad, I'm in sixth grade. I need, uh, privacy sometimes.

Oh. Look, I'm heading to the airport.

Be back in two days.

Please be nice to your sister,

help your mom, and do not touch the drone.

- I won't. Bye. - I-I'm serious, okay?

- It's not a toy. It's for my work. - Yep.

Safe flight. Bye, Dad. Love you.

Thank you. Hey.

Come give me a hug, bud.

I'll give you two hugs when you get back.

: I get it.

- Why are you smiling? - Well, you're just growing up.

- It's exciting to me. - It's not. Stop smiling.

I remember bringing you home from the hospital

- like it was yesterday. - (groans)

Now here you are, sexually masturbating yourself.

- No, I "F"-ing wasn't. - Hey, it's cool, fool.

It's like you got a new toy... the best toy in the world...

and you just want to keep playing with it.

- (groans) - I don't know.

I just want you to know I'm proud of you.

Okay, do your thing. I'll see you later.

Love you. See you in two days.

Amy, you are not gonna believe this.

Yo, guys, check this out.

My babysitter told me everyone in sixth grade gets hand jobs.

What's a hand job?

It's when a girl jerks you off until you "coom."

And then it's your job to clean it up.

- I don't think it's "coom." - Yeah.

C-U-M. "Coom."

Middle school's way more intense than elementary.

If we're gonna get through this,

- we need to stick together. - Bean Bag Boys for life.

Speed bump.

Are your friends jelly you're dating a college guy?

Some of them, I think.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Wait, hey, c...

- Can I help you? - Retreat! Retreat!

Hey, Stranger Things, go fuck yourself!

- Hurry! - Go, go, go!

You know those fucking guys?

No one can stop the Turzan of Uzkara.

Lucas, keep it in the case.

Dude, it's worth 300 bucks.

600 now. I checked.

- $600?! - We're millionaires!

- (chuckles): Yeah. Do you guys want to

maybe go to the skate park tomorrow after school?

I know what cocaine is.

Annabelle, get out of here.

Bean Bag Boys only.

I heard, at the skate park,

the older kids will make you take drugs.

We'll never do drugs.

They destroy lives and communities.

You have no choice.

Mom!

Annabelle, don't antagonize your brother.

Come on, go upstairs. Now... Hey.

All right, Bean Bag Boys, finish up. It's a school night.

Lights out, 8:30.

What? You said 8:45.

Hey. Finish up.

I don't think I want to go to the skate park.

We're in sixth grade now.

We need to start doing sixth grade things.

: Ooh, you want to see Brixlee, don't you?

("Valentine" by YK Osiris playing)

- Hi. - Oh, my God!

- (screaming) - Mom!

This park is fucking lit.

Yo, guys, the Scooter Squad is here.

You know who's really good at burns? Atticus L.

- He's so funny. - Atticus L.?

I'd smoke him in a burn war. Right, Max?

: Ooh...

So, are you gonna give Brixlee the necklace you made her?

No, shut up. It's-it's...

I haven't put it in the kiln yet.

You always have an excuse.

Thor, you never talk to girls.

Girls are a distraction.

Rock of Ages auditions are in two days.

Max, come here.

Hey, Taylor.

People are saying you made Brixlee

a necklace in art class.

Nice try, but I don't talk about my art projects

before they're finished.

If she had a crush on you,

would you admit you had a crush on her?

Does she have a crush on me?

I don't know. I've never asked her.

- See you tomorrow. - Bye.

Fuck.

- So, how'd it go, lover boy? - (phone buzzes)

Uh, she might know about the necklace.

Veggie lasagna for dinner?

Everything's coming up Lucas.

I'll see you guys at school.

Bye. Be safe.

Yo, Scooter Boys. Scooter Boys. Act cool.

- Act... act cool. - Okay, okay, okay.

What's up, Atticus?

You guys want to see something cool?

Hell yeah.

What are we up to? What are we doing?

We're gonna sip a beer.

- Scared? No.

I've had, like, 5,000 sips of beer.

Bitch, please.

Soren has the record. Three sips.

- Three sips? - Three sips.

: Whoa.

I'm already feeling something.

Delicious.

Careful. It's hot.

Are you gonna drink it or not?

I forgot,

I have musical auditions this Friday.

They drug-test for beer.

Thor, just admit you're a scared little-wittle baby.

- (boys laughing) - No, I'm not.

Want us to put the beer in a sippy cup for you, Sippy Cup?

- No. - Sippy Cup.

- Amazing burn, Atticus. It's not a good burn.

His dad has two DUIs and has to take the train to work.

That's a good burn.

Sippy Cup, sing us a song.

No.

How about "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Bitch"?

: Sippy Cup! Sippy Cup!

- (chanting continues) No, no, guys.

He'll do it, but he just needs more time to think.

Sippy Cup! Sippy Cup!

Bye.

Lasagna and soda?

Don't tell my parents you gave me this.

This kid is hilarious.

- (laughs) - (mom sighs)

We're getting a divorce.

Wh-What do you mean?

Okay, okay, I'll tell you. Everything gonna stay the same.

We promise.

Will we still watch This Is Us together?

- Yes, of course. Yes.

That's our favorite show.

That's our family show.

Except now you're gonna see it

on two-two different TVs, you know.

In two different houses.

So you're gonna have to watch the episode twice.

What about Taco Tuesday?

Taco Tuesdays are still going down.

Matter of fact, you're gonna have two Taco Tuesdays,

just one on Wednesday now.

Twice the fun.

Twice the fun, twice the tacos.

It's... (stammers) everything's gonna stay the same, so...

Everything gonna be the same. Me and your mom, you know,

we're still best friends, right?

Mm-hmm.

I mean, it would've been nice to have

tacos together as a family, but how about this?

We could change it to Wing Wednesday...