Shrek the Musical

Once upon a time,

there was a little ogre named Shrek...

...who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree.

It was a pretty nasty place, but he was happy

because ogres like nasty.

On his birthday, the little ogre's parents sat him down to talk,

just as all ogre parents had for hundreds of years before.

No, no, no!

And so, the little ogre went on his merry way.

And wherever he went, crowds would welcome him

with festive torches and hatchets and fun things like that.

But whenever the little ogre tried to join in the fun...

...his new friends would suddenly realize they had other things to do.

So the ogre did what his parents had told him to.

He found a perfectly rancid swamp,

and there he stayed for many years, all alone,

but very happy with how his life had turned out.

Oh, come on. Not again. Aw...

Ow!

Yeah!

Right this way!

- Aw! - Ooh!

- Don't mind the mud. - You'll get used to it.

This is not appropriate for wood.

I'm gonna bail if we're in here for too long.

You know what? This bog...

- This place is a dump! - It's awful.

- Take deep breaths, brother. - He has panic attacks.

- This little piggy needs some Paxil. - Oh!

Look, you read Lord Farquaad's decree.

Yeah, yeah, we read it.

"All fairy-tale creatures have been banished from the Kingdom of Duloc.

All fruitcakes and freaks will be sent to a 'resettlement facility.'"

- Um... it smells like butt. - Yes.

She's right. It really stinks.

When I call your name, step forward.

Pinocchio, the Puppet!

I am not a puppet, I'm a real boy.

- That's your patch of mud down there. - Thank you very much.

- Shoemaker's Elf! - Yes. Right here.

- Ugly Duckling! - Aw! Dumped on a swamp!

Man, I tell you, sometimes being a fairy-tale creature sucks pine sap!

Three Bears, take your spot over there by that sign.

No, that's too far!

Too close.

Ah! Just right.

Fairy Godmother!

Mad Hatter!

Sugar Plum Fairy!

You're late, Rabbit!

And remember, if we find you back in the kingdom,

you will be executed.

This is worse than that time I caught Dutch elm disease in Tijuana!

All the busted beds

What are you doing in my swamp?

Oh, gosh!

Well, we were forced to come here.

- Forced? By who? - Lord Farquaad!

He huffed und he puffed und he signed an eviction notice.

Oh, really?! Well, not my problem.

Now you all need to turn around and go back where you came from.

Go back? We can't go back!

Farquaad will turn us into bratwurst!

Oh! The guy's bad news.

Hey, maybe you could talking to him, huh?

Yeah, he'd listen to you!

You're big and scary.

I'm also an ogre, which means I stay on my swamp

and avoid large crowds. Or haven't you read the stories?

Ha! You mean those stories that say that I'm a big, bad wolf?

- Oh yeah! That's so funny! - Hey...

And the ones that say I'm a wicked witch?

Or... Or the ones that say that I'm a "wooden boy."

What? I'm not a wooden boy.

I have a glandular condition.

Look here, ogre, I'm gonna spell it out for you.

We don't want us here any more than you do.

But you are the only one

tough enough to stand up to that no-good flimflammer Farquaad.

Tough enough? You don't even know me!

Attention, all fairy-tale things! Your welcome is officially worn out!

I'm gonna go see this Farquaad guy right now,

and get you all off my land and back where you came from!

I'll be right back.

Don't die!

It's my swamp. I'm going to your house and breaking...

Whoa!

Somebody stop that donkey!

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Hey, how you doin'? - I hear him over here!

Help a donkey out, would you?

Oh, no!

- It's hideous! - Oh, that's not very nice.

It's just a donkey.

- Step aside, ogre, and let us at him. - Why? What did he do?

I don't wanna die! I don't wanna die!

He's a talking donkey. A freak of nature.