Bogdan Boner: Egzorcysta

A NETFLIX SERIES

PROFESSOR FART VERSUS SUPER CREATURE 3D!

THE HELL VACCINE

-Mariola, did you like the movie? -It was fine.

But the 3D glasses made me feel ill.

'Cause the glasses aren't edible.

And those two bags of popcorn you inhaled, yours and mine,

probably didn't help either.

PROFESSOR FART VERSUS SUPER CREATURE 3D

Fuck my butt sideways, Miras, that was way too fucking amazing!

Damn, not only did Professor Fart defeat the Super Creature

in a super cool scientific way,

but they also showed it in 3D!

Yeah, and when he was putting that plasma torch up his asshole,

I really felt like I was there.

Exactly!

And when the dick-shaped zombie monkeys popped out

I thought I was going to shit myself.

Luckily, I did that behind the seat before the movie started.

Best spent zero zlotys in my entire fucking life.

So, Miras, are we coming tomorrow too?

Buba, the same movie for the sixth day in a row?

Of course we're coming!

Now let's get back to hell,

'cause if the boss notices we took the Gates of Hell without asking,

he'll turn our you-know-what into gates.

Don't jinx it, asshole, or it will happen.

You'll see, Mariola.

If things keep going well for me,

in a few more years, I'll save enough money for a car.

-And then every bitch will be mine! -What?

I mean, every ditch will be mine since I'm a bad driver.

Relax a bit, you'll be really pleased.

Uh…

Are you lost, pal?

No, no, we absolutely know where we're going, sir.

You got a problem?

I mean… Come on, Mariola…

Ouch! Relax guys, we can totally work this out.

- I'm wondering about one thing. -Yeah?

If the quark cannon is a million times more powerful than the plasma torch,

why did Professor Fart not use it?

That's easy. The quark cannon wouldn't fit in the Super Creature's tight ass.

Wait.

Look at that.

Hey!

Damn it!

Ouch!

Buba, are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yup. How does the cool Super Creature smell

if instead of a nose it has a di--

No, not that. Let's fucking hit this kid with our devilish hypnosis

like a hypno-possession.

He can show those hoodlums how the devil says, "Good evening, motherfuckers."

You won't make it. It's too far.

That's why we'll do it together. All right. One, two, three!

- -Hey, you can say goodbye

to your teeth, you fucking dickless nerd.

But first, you will say goodbye to your tiny balls.

Why, you!

Did you see that? This is how it's done! Just one shot!

You need to try harder.

- -

He's not gonna make it now.

A baseball bat plus a broken bottle equals a concussion and a sliced lip.

You are forgetting that his brain is temporarily disabled by our hypnosis.

Stop. You are going to hurt him!

That's the goddamn plan.

It's a good thing you've been knocked unconscious, you spineless piece of shit!

I am going to leave you a painful souvenir on your ugly-ass mug.

Um…

- -

Marcin, what's happening? Are you okay?

EXORCISM AGENCY / CONSTRUCTION COMPANY BONER

Where the hell is that stupid fucking dumbass?

Oh, boss, come on, I'm right here.

I was talking about the other dumbass, dumbass.

Oh, you mean Marcinek. Maybe you should try to call him.

I am calling him. He's not answering.

He must be sleeping it off. He was on a big date yesterday.

Gimme your phone, sir, I'm gonna give his girlfriend a call.

I remember the number.

-Agh! If you break it… -Yeah right.

Hello?

Hi, Mariola.

Do you know where Marcin is?

'Cause we're waiting for him. He's late for work.

-What? -What?

-Uh, wow, you don't freaking say! -What did she say?

-Goddamn it! -Come on, idiot, you gotta tell me.

Boss, you better take a seat because you're not gonna fucking believe this.

Yesterday, while on his big date, Marcin took out four really big guys

and snatched all of their wallets.

Then he took off without Mariola and went on a wild vodka bender.

No way! Holy shit! Really?

See, I told you that under my authority he would finally improve.

All right, let's go to work. He knows where to find us.

-Ugh! Get out, you're pushing. -Not again. Oh no!

Stop whining. Today, it's only three kilometers.

- Shouldn't he be muzzled? -But how would he bite then?

-Uh… -All right, tell me what's going on here?

I really don't have all fucking day.

I mean, I do, actually, so I'd like to put it to good use.

Okay, I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything like in confession.

You won't make heads or tails of it.

It started about two weeks ago, when I heard noises coming from the barn.

Something really bad got into it.

The cows started to get nervous.

All of the pigs… got nervous.

At first, it all seemed harmless. They were just growling at one another.

Like, "Moo-ve your stupid ass!"

"Oink… off!"

It came down to hand-to-hand combat.

The cattle went after the entire group of pigs.

And so then vice versa.

The riots in the barn had lasted a few days.

It calmed down when I separated them with an electric cattle prod.

Then evil entered my cottage as well.

My wife got super mad. I thought to myself, "It's normal."

Then my wife moved out to her mother.

I thought to myself, "Good riddance."

But then, the friendly good spirit Bey also decided to leave.

He lived behind the old wood stove and brought our family plenty of luck.

And a subtle stench.

If you don't breathe in through your nose, you really can't smell it.

And there are these goddamn rat bastards everywhere!

Motherfucking rat-demons!

Mr. Stasiu, I have excellent news for you.

You have considerably more luck than you have brains.

That doesn't mean anything. I was pretty bad in school.

-Hey, Domino. -Yes, boss?

Go get the demon poison out of the van now

and let's be sure to set it out in all the buildings.

On it!

They're not coming out.

The poison was a bit stale. Maybe that's what's taking so long.

So I paid you 200 zloty for nothing?

Sure I hope so. No, wait. Look there.

- -

My damn gut is about to explode.