Eddie Murphy Raw

( "Ain't too Proud to Beg" by the Temptations plays )

( elevated train passing in distance )

Show me that little dance y'all be doing.

Now, I done told y'all to stop running in here.

Yes, ma'am.

I'm going to smack one of you now, you hear?

Them pants cost $3.98, baby, you hear?

See that chocolate cake I bought?

You mean, the chocolate cake that was on the counter?

Yeah. Where is it?

Well, check Cousin Cecil's pockets.

He probably got it in there with the turkey leg

and the sweet potato pie.

No. Uh-huh.

Hey, little brother.

Show me that little dance y'all be doing.

Oooh-wheee!

Get down, Lester, you is talking!

You move like you're 21.

That dance ain't new.

It ain't nothing but the old shuffle-butt.

Well, show me that move.

Oh, Lester, sit your drunk ass down.

Can't you see the kids are trying to put a show on there?

Lester, she ain't your mama.

Yeah. Yeah. Junior!

Vanessa. Come on, Vanessa.

Come on, baby. Sing a song for Grandma.

That's my granddaughter. That's my niece.

( indistinct cheering, applause )

Come on over here.

Mama, I got a joke.

Shh. Little Eddie got a joke to tell. Go on, Eddie.

Eddie. Eddie.

I got a joke to tell.

Once there was a lion and a monkey.

And the monkey said, "I can make the weather change."

The lion said, "No, you can't."

So the monkey started climbing up the tree.

And then he started peeing on the lion's head.

"Now it's raining!"

Then he started farting.

"Now there's thunder!" Then he started doo-dooing.

"Now it's snowing!"

So the lion said, "Oh, yeah?

Well, I can make the stars come out."

And then he kicked him in the ding-ding.

Thank you.

I love that doo-doo line. That boy's got talent.

My favorite movie is Trading Places.

48 Hrs. Has to be.

Trading Places.

Beverly Hills Cop.

Delirious.

All of them. Beverly Hills Cop.

No, 48 Hrs. All of them.

Beverly Hills Cop. 48 Hrs.

All of them. 48 Hrs.

I even liked Best Defense.

I'm looking forward to seeing him in that leather suit.

I'm telling you, that behind and all.

Yeah, he's looking sexy.

He looks good. Handsome.

Thank you.

Sit down. Everybody, sit, sit. Cool out.

Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you.

And hello, New York City!

Thank you for coming out to the show.

Don't let the lights and cameras throw y'all.

We filming a movie here tonight

and y'all going to be in this shit.

Except only I'm getting paid for the motherfucker.

Every now and then I take a joke too far, I get in trouble.

That's why I haven't been on the road the last three years.

'Cause I did a lot--

Did y'all see Delirious?

In Delirious, I was making fun

out of a lot of entertainers too.

That's when I got scared.

'Cause I did some jokes about Mr. T.

And Mr. T was going to fuck Ed up. He was--

And I was scared, 'cause y'all seen Mr. T.

He don't look like, you know, like he can't fight.

He looks like he can whip some ass, right?

And I was petrified.

I would walk at parties and people say,

"Yo, man, Mr. T was just here looking for you."

He was walking up to people saying,

: "I'm going to whip Eddie Murphy's ass when I see him."

Then I watched his show, 'cause I didn't know him,

I watched the show to see what kind of guy he was,

and the character on the show ain't too bright.

So I figured if he came up to me,

I could use the Jedi mind trick on him.

Mr. T walk up and go, "I heard you did some jokes about me."

"No, you didn't." "Maybe I didn't."

"I'm going to go beat up the fool that told me them lies."

I was scared. I'd be at parties, hear he was looking for me,

I would just leave. I don't wanna fight Mr. T.

Then I found out Michael Jackson was looking for me.

And I was like...

Yo, when Mike-- My manager called me up and said,

"Yo, man, Michael Jackson is mad." I was like, "So?"

You know, 'cause I'd fuck Mike up. You know, Mike--

Mike don't weigh but a buck-oh-five, you know.

I bust that ass on Mike.

I was looking for him, but my manager said,

"We don't know everything about Michael Jackson.

"He might be this bad motherfucker

"behind closed doors.

"He's a recluse. You know, behind closed doors,

"he might be completely different."

And I'd be at a party and have Michael walk up to me one day

and it'd be like this.

: "Can I talk to you for a minute?

"Yeah, what's your motherfucking problem, man?

"Well, how come you keep fucking with me then, huh?

"What's all the motherfucking jokes?

"You don't like my clothes?

"What's your motherfucking problem?

"I'm Michael-motherfucking-Jackson,

"I will bust your ass.

"Get the fuck out, motherfucker...

"I will moonwalk all up and down your ass, motherfucker.

"You mind your motherfucking business.

"I hear some more shit,

"I'm going to put this glove up your ass.

I'll see you later."

That's a dumb-- I could never--

I've been trying for five months to do the moonwalk

and I can't do the shit. It's shitty.

It's the dumbest dance ever, 'cause I can't do it,

that's why I say it's stupid.

But how can you do the moonwalk and ask a woman to dance?

Be at a party, say, "Hey, baby, come on, let's dance.

See you later."

Do the moonwalk. That's some stupid shit.

Michael can do that shit, though.

Michael's so famous,

Michael went on television and everything he says,

the public believes.

Went on television and said,

"I don't have sex because of my religious beliefs."

And the public believed it.

I know brothers were like, "Get the fuck out of here."

And white people was going,

: "That Michael's a special kind of guy.

"He's special. I mean, he's good, clean and wholesome."

You know how I knew y'all believed it?

Y'all didn't get mad when he took Brooke Shields

to the Grammys.

Nobody white said shit.

And Brooke Shields is the whitest woman in America.

That's Miss America every year is Brooke.

Fuck who you see with the crown.

You look up "white woman" in the dictionary,

be a picture of Brooke like this...

She's white.

And this nigga took her to the Grammys,

nobody said shit.

If I took Brooke Shields to the Grammys,

y'all would lose your mind.

'Cause y'all know Brooke would get fucked that night.

And Brooke knew too.

That's why we going this year. No...

Stop. Now, see? I did jokes about--

I did a lot of jokes about homosexuals a couple years ago

and faggots were mad. They were like--

And they were--

There's nothing like having a nation of fags looking for you.

I'd be at parties--

There's always two or three homosexuals at a party.

They'd be standing around looking at you,

they'd be looking at...

: "He's an asshole."

I can't travel the country freely no more.

I can't go to San Francisco.

They got 24-hour homo watch waiting for me in the airport.

Soon as I got off the plane, they'd be like,

: "He's here, yes. Yes, it's him. Yes, it's him!"