M*A*S*H

Hawkeye Pierce: "Dear Dad,

"Sorry I haven't written sooner,

"but you know how the work piles up around here.

"Korea's pretty much the same story.

"The fighting goes on, the hatred, the violence,

"the senseless brutality, men behaving like animals.

"Then, of course, there's the war.

"Business, unfortunately, remains very brisk.

"I think you know by now I'm not being flip,

"but doing meatball surgery, you either develop

"a thick skin or you wind up in the Tokyo Giggling Academy."

Oh, wow, what a mess.

Stomach...

kidney‐‐ liver...

Hawkeye: What is this, an organ recital?

Keep it down!

I'm doing something very difficult, here.

Trying to tie your shoe again, Frank?

Colonel Blake, could we have some measure

of military discipline?

Good idea.

Everybody up for callisthenics.

Care to join me for some push‐ups, Hot Lips?

Oh, really!

Knock it off!

"Luckily, we've got an extra pair of hands these days.

"Captain Adam Casey.

"He's really a fine surgeon, every bit as good as I am,

"and I'll get him for it."

You wanna give me a hand with these intestines.

‐They're shot to pieces. ‐Okay, gimme a retractor.

"The work may be hard and ugly,

"but we can always count on the North Koreans

"to hand us a couple of laughs."

‐Oh, what is that? ‐(indistinct chatter)

‐MAN: They got the generator. ‐WOMAN: We need some lights in here.

All right, nobody panic. Let's keep cool.

Well, who's panicking? Who's panicking?

‐HENRY: You're panicking, Frank! ‐I can't see anything.

‐So? ‐But it's dark!

Shove any patients you can't finish under a table.

‐They'll be safe there. ‐(explosion booming)

How the hell did you get in the army, Frank?

‐3‐0 silk. ‐3‐0 silk.

‐Suture scissors. ‐Suture scissors.

Snoo.

"Snoo?" What's "snoo"?

Nothing much. What's "snoo" with you?

Can't you ever be serious?

I tried it once. Everybody laughed.

"And so it goes.

"Here comes Corporal Klinger, one of our orderlies.

"A nice guy whose only purpose in life

"is to get out of the army,

"a purpose shared by three of four million of us,

"only Klinger, he'll stop at nothing."

‐(knocking) ‐Come in.

Captain, I have the X‐rays you wanted to look over.

Thank you.

Uh, Klinger...

Do you mind a little constructive criticism?

No, sir.

First of all, it's gorgeous.

It's so easy to go overboard with one of those,

but that's tasteful without being gaudy.

Thank you, sir.

Just one suggestion, you must wear a slip.

With the sun behind you, I could see clear through

to your shorts.

Of course, and I've got so many slips in my tent.

Thanks for the x‐rays.

Yes, sir.

May I ask where you got that?

Mail‐order catalog, sir.

A white wedding gown?

I'm entitled.

I'm a virgin.

"I guess the sanest guy in the outfit

"is Father Mulcahy.

"It's a wonder he doesn't go deaf

"from the sound of all the commandments

"breaking around here."

Father? Is everything all right?

It's my back.

You throw it out?

No, but I'd sure like to.

Let's go in the tent. I'll take a look at it.

Thanks.

Thanks, Captain Casey.

Do you have a history of back trouble?

Started in Jesuit school. All that kneeling.

You stay with your back toward me, Father,

and just relax.

How's that feel?

Better.

My back really feels better.

Good, good.

Now you just try and take it easy for a few days,

and stay off your knees.

Thank you very much, Doctor.

‐Father? ‐Yes?

It's all right.

Oh, doctor, one good turn deserves another.

Father...

Can we consider this a confessional?

I am a priest.

I'm... not a doctor.

Ooh! Ooh!

"I don't want you to think this is a madhouse, Dad.

"We're nowhere near that organized.

"What we are mainly is bored.

"Bored right out of our skulls."

Nothing fazes anybody here!

‐What's the matter with you? ‐Zero! Everybody's a cipher.

‐An army of walking zilches. ‐All of a sudden‐‐

I'm telling you, I could walk around this compound‐‐

I bet you I could walk into that mess tent,

order lunch, stark‐naked,

nobody would pay any attention to me.

Are you crazy?

I betcha 50 bucks.

A little drink before lunch?

I don't mind if I do.

One for the road, as it were.

I have always relied upon the kindness of strangers.

We don't usually serve people without neckties.

Shall we?

After you.

50 bucks.

I left my pockets back in the Swamp.

Now, that's tasteful without being gaudy.

"It's very quiet at the moment, Dad.

"The only man in sight is Radar O'Reilly,

"an amazing kid.

"I've never put much stock in ESP,

"but if it is possible for one person

"to read another person's mind,

"Radar has that ability, the little fink."

Is that a nice thing to say?

"I don't know what Henry Blake would do without Radar.

"And I don't know what we'd do without Henry.

"But I can't wait to get home and find out."

Uh, sir?

‐Yes, Radar? ‐Are you busy?

No, no‐no, no.

‐Uh, sign these, please, sir. ‐Righty‐o.

Oh, for...

My dad's pen.

Oh...

What's this, Radar?

That's personal, sir.

Well, you can tell me.

My name's on it.

Well, I'm, uh, taking this correspondence course

from the Triple‐A High School Diploma Company

of Dellavin, Indiana.

‐The Triple‐A‐‐ ‐High School Diploma Company of Dellavin, Indiana.

‐I see. ‐Mm‐hmm. Uh‐huh.

Well, uh... It's final week‐‐

And you want me to take you to the senior prom, right?

Oh, no...

Oh, no, uh...

That says that I passed my final exam.

How do I know you passed your final exam?

You must, sir. You signed it.

Uh, easy, Radar.

Now, you know me. I'll sign anything army.

I mean, uh, I'll sign the surrender papers.

But I've got a reputation and a civilian practice

to think about,

and the last thing I need in this world is trouble

from the Triple‐A High School Diploma Company

of, uh, Dellavin, Indiana.

I'm sorry, sir.

You know, if you want, you could give me the test.

I just didn't want to take up your time.

Oh, that's no problem.

I mean, the war's, uh, pretty slow right now.

Where's the test?

Oh, it's here, sir, in this officially sealed envelope.

The seal's broken.

Oh?

Well, that must have been the censor.

They're always on the lookout for a dirty question.

Now, let's see here.

All right, Radar, take a piece of paper,

and a pencil, and, uh, sit down.

Comfortable?

C‐O‐M‐F‐O‐‐

‐No, no, no, no, no, no. ‐R‐‐

That was just a rhetorical question.

Oh.

Well, I don't study those.

Study what?

Rhetoricals?

Come on, Radar. Stop horsing around.

Um, I, uh... I'm very nervous, sir.

Well, look, um, uh, take a deep breath.

That makes me throw up.