Fresh Off the Boat

Which celebrity likes their dumps like a truck?

Is it "A," Jerry Seinfeld,

"B," Sugar Ray,

"C," Sisqó,

or "D," Frankie Muniz?

Muniz is a sedan man.

"C," Sisqó.

And you're correct.

The answer is "C," Sisqó!

Dad, you got it right.

And not just because the answer's always "C."

I really knew it.

You should be on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

No, they'd never pick me for TV.

I got the hair, but not the pull.

But Mommy was on "Wheel of Fortune."

Oh, Evan.

You need to stop comparing my life to your father's.

Besides, the Wheel takes physical skill.

"Millionaire" is just knowing lots of stuff.

She's got you there, Pops.

Eh, your mom's right.

There's no way they'd select me.

I'd have to call in, pass the screening process,

then out of thousands and thousands of callers,

be one out of only ten chosen.

I'm sorry, boys, but there's no chance

that I can make it on the show.

I made it on the show.

I made it on the show!

Hello, Regis.

Hello, Louis. You made it.

It's time to play "Who Wants to be a Millionaire."

Those nervous gulps are good.

Keep them up.

Adds to the tension.

Oh.

Before we begin, how about you introducing yourself to America?

Oh, uh, hi.

Uh, my name is Louis Huang.

I'm a father to three boys,

lover of sunflower seeds in salads......

Really? No mention of...

...and a husband to a smart and beautiful wife.

Well, at least he got one answer right.

And what do you do for work, Lou?

Oh, I'm a, uh, business consultant

and owner of, uh, Cattleman's Ranch,

located just off I-4 in East Orlando.

Wow. A double threat.

Like my girl, Kathie Lee.

Well, actually, I couldn't do it without my oldest son, Eddie.

Uhhh, disaster. Look at these spots.

We got to throw these out before they infect the knives.

Dude, chill.

You just gotta add rinse agent to the dishwasher.

This is what brought down the Sizzler in my hometown.

Good work, Eddie.

Way to protect that silver.

I got you, Dad.

Eyes on the coin.

In fact, I went through the books,

and our profits are up 10%.

Really? How?

I-I mean, good.

I saw that if we cut back on the garnishes,

we can save three cents per plate.

And also I gave the staff some new incentives.

- Like what? - Well, every time

a table orders more than four appetizers,

I perform my patented belly-roll for them.

Oh, smart.

I am loving this initiative, Eddie.

Thanks, Dad. I know you've been so busy with consulting,

so I've been upping my game.

I am down for that.

Oh.

Oh.

Eddie, we got a fifth app over here.

Give me a second, Dad.

I gotta do my thing.

Abs and apps!

Abs and apps!

Abs and apps!

Abs and apps!

So, Louis, you ready to play?

You bet your ass I am!

Family show, and away we go!

Oh.

Wow. Regis Philbin.

Regis "I Can Smile While I Talk" Philbin.

Did you know he's spent more hours on screen

than anybody in history?

Sitting in front of a camera is not an achievement.

You know who else does that?

Newborns and safari animals.

Both surprisingly lazy.

Lazy?

You spend three nights stalking prey

through the Serengeti.

Serengeti.

Enough distractions.

I need to focus to prevent your father

from losing a million dollars.

I'm going to signal to him the answers,

but he's terrible at charades.

The only sign he knows is the hand phone.

Between your dad and security confiscating my purse snacks,

we're off to a rough start.

Apparently, your idol Regis can't "work"

if there's a crunch sound in the audience.

As a fellow actor, I get it.

You need quiet to focus on your craft.

Craft? This is just reading words out loud.

You have three lifelines...

50:50, Ask-the-Audience, and Phone-a-Friend,

where you can call anyone for help.

I already got my guy.

Got my encyclopedias, got my phone.

I should practice.

Quick, Grandma, say a word.

Something PG.

Garfield.

Mm...

Ah.

Garfield, James A.

20th President of the United States.

Garfield, grumpy comic strip cat.

Fastest book hands in the East.

All I have to is keep the phone lines clear

and I'll be... Hi, I'm Alistair Cain the Science Brain,

and for the next hour only,

you can call and ask me any science question you want.

All proceeds go to Florida Public Television.

The conversation will be electric.

Ooh.

Alistair Cain the Science Brain?

He's the only person in the world with a PhD

and a Florida Kids' Choice Award.

Why now?

I could ask him to peer review

my fruit fly project for the science fair.

I would like to peer review his buns.

Great. Let's play "Millionaire."

First question is always a gimme.

Little cookie for the dum-dums.

Louis, for $100,

at what temperature does water boil?

"A," 32 degrees Fahrenheit,

"B," 0 degrees Celsius,

"C," 100 degrees Celsius,

or "D," the temperature of the sun?

Oh, God. Which is it?

Emery, quick, what's the temperature of the sun?

Think, Louis. You know this.

Did you guys not hear the kettle?

It's been at 100 degrees Celsius for three minutes.

Grandma's teaching me to make bao zi.

It's sick! Look!

Perfect consistency,

like a lamb's scrotum.

Okay, Ma.

Eddie, you've shown a lot of devotion to cooking lately.

Taking notes? And footnotes?

Grandma's never written down a recipe,

so I thought it'd be good to get them down in case sh...

Just in case.

You know, if you keep up this initiative,

I may pass the restaurant on to you one day.

Really? You'll hand me the baton?

I didn't do rhythmic gymnastics in college for nothing.

Well, I know it's not the sun.

How do you know that? Call Evan.

Regis, I'm gonna go with "C," 100 degrees Celsius.

Final answer.

You're heating up, Louis,

because that's correct.

Whoa!

Whew!

How did I not know that?

Maybe you got stage fright.

It's normal for amateur thespians.

No, you know what it is?

My stolen purse almonds.

I can't think without my Omega-6s.

Or is it Omega-3s?

Ah, I need my healthy fats.

Louis Huang just won $100,

and we'll be right back after this.

That's a break, everyone.

I need to find a vending machine

before your father loses all our money.

I'll go with you. I want to drop off my headshots

around the studio.

"Brooding" for drama.

And "wacky" for comedy.

What took you so long?

This nut bag got stuck in the coil,

and I had to spend another 35 cents to get it out.

We're here to win a million dollars,