Teachers

Okay, party people.

Chelsea will be here any second.

Does anyone want to help me?

I'd help, but I don't want to.

Here she comes!

Hit the deck!

Happy birthday!

Is it my birthday?

I totally forgot.

- Happy birthday, Chelsea. - Happy birthday, Chelsea.

- Happy birthday, Chels. - Happy birthday.

Aww.

A homemade card from five adults.

How thoughtful.

There's a $30 Hollister gift card in there.

In that case, I will keep it.

I've got loads of neat-o birthday surprises

set up throughout the day.

But first, make a wish.

What does someone wish for who has everything?

Aren't you still a size 4?

Eat my , Deb.

Please make me a size 2.

I'm not gonna eat that, though.

Okay, I didn't plan on it.

- Oh, my God! -

How did this happen?

This is the end of days.

I can't teach a lesson on Colonial America

without handouts.

I'm good, but I'm not God.

I'm teaching vocabulary today.

What am I supposed to do?

Write 25 words on the whiteboard?

Have all the kids take out paper?

Pencils?

Have them copy all the words from the whiteboard?

Erase the whiteboard? This is insane!

Is there a manual?

Yep. We .

Roses are red. Violets are blue.

Ms. Snap is the prettiest teacher,

much prettier than any of you.

We celebrate her today as one of the greats.

Anyone would be lucky to have her skinny traits.

Happy birthday, Ms. Snap.

I am so touched that you wrote that.

You said it was 25% of our writing grade.

You can sit down now, Danielle.

How old are you turning, Ms. Snap?

Oh, how old do you think I am?

60?

Very funny, Kyle.

She's not 60.

Thank you, Danielle.

Her skin just looks old

'cause she has lots of sun damage.

She's probably 40.

Wait, what?

I think she's 48.

That's how old my Aunt Kim is.

She wears the same clothes as Ms. Snap.

She calls them her truck stop dresses.

Okay, what is going on right now?

Is this some sick joke?

I'm telling you, she's 60.

Look at the neck.

It's like a tree. Each ring is a year.

One, two...

That is it.

No one is gonna have recess today.

Everyone take out your workbooks!

Wait. Why does it say you're 31?

Because that's how old I am, Tina!

Since Ms. Watson couldn't make copies today,

we're all going to take turns

looking at this vocabulary list,

learn what we can,

and then pass it on, okay?

Why don't you just write the words on the whiteboard?

Did your mother drive you to school this morning

in a horse and buggy?

No.

Then don't expect me to write on a whiteboard.

Read it and pass it on, Marco.

"Press the release lever.

Adjust the side fences to the paper size."

Okay.

Now, does anyone know what that means? Hmm?

Why are we reading the "Kopy King User Guide"

instead of "Shiloh"?

Because we're trying to find out

what's happens to Mr. Copier.

Ooh.

Hey, why don't we...

Yeah, I got nothing.

Thanks for sharing that cool pigeon feather, Tracy.

It really opened up a neat discussion about disease.

Okay! Blake.

What did you bring for show-and-tell today?

Uh, well, you told me to bring my dad.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Nope.

So, uh...

I guess that's my cue.

Ms. Bennigan.

Okay, everyone.

I am Blake's dad.

I'm not really sure what I'm supposed to show...

Or tell...

Uh, but does anyone have any questions for me?

Yes.

You're a dad.

Why aren't you at work?

I'm a stay-at-home dad.

That's not a real job.

Well, actually it is.

Uh, being a stay-at-home parent

is one of the toughest jobs that there is,

after being a teacher, of course.

But that's not all that I do.

How I actually earn my living

is by running a nonprofit animal rescue out of my house.

Hot Animal Rescuer.

There are doors within doors.

This is some straight-up Narnia shit.

My kids thinks I'm 60.

Can you believe it?

In the right overalls,

I can still buy a child's movie ticket.

Don't let them get you down. Kids lack perspective.

Today I had a student tell me

I look like Fantine from "Les Mis."

Chelsea, you've got nothing to worry about.

You look exactly your age.

That is literally the rudest thing

anyone has ever said to me.

On the bright side,

at least I'm younger than all you hos.

Wait, Cecelia, how old are you?

30.

- Caroline? - 29.

- Feldman? - 25.

- Mary Louise? - Please don't make me say it.

- Mary Louise? - 24.

I'm so sorry, Chelsea.

I wish I'd never been born.

Okay.

You have to be older than me.

You're so bitter.

Just wait until I'm your age.

Oh, my God.

When did I become the old guy with goggles from 'NSYNC?

You. I have to be younger than you.

You got me, bitch.

I'm 56.

Oh, thank God.

I wouldn't get so excited.

You're the one with a chin hair

hanging off your face.

And that's not the only place you'll get them.

Welcome to the dark side.

Not now, Josiah!

- Get out of my way. - I'm getting that DVD player.

- Like hell you are! - Feldman, no!

Seriously, I need that DVD player!

Aww. You snooze you lose.

Great.

What are we supposed to do now?

both: Art!

Cecelia!

I need to talk to you!

No, I need to talk to you!

Come on! I'll buy you kale chips!

I'll start recycling!

Sorry I'm early, but I need a place to hide.

What happened to you?

Nothing.

I just picked up a few things at the mall over lunch.

Look, I know turning 31 is wigging you out,

but I think you're overcompensating a little.

No, I'm not.

My looks are my everything, and it has recently

come to my attention that I'm a fugly old hag.

Outer beauty is fleeting, Chelsea.

There's so much more to life.

Oh, my God.

That is what they say to ugly people.

And everything I want in life requires me to be young and hot.

Like what?