The Great North

Now remember, people are gonna see this banner

Right when they walk in the door for the lil' prommers prom prep

For lil' preppers practice prom, so it can't be crooked.

-Okay, how does that look? -Uh... Perfect.

-Meow. Meow. -Moon, you okay there?

You only involuntarily meow when you're extremely stressed.

I'm not stressed.

-Meow. -Oh, I see.

Is today the day you ask quinn to the dance?

Oh, boy. It's good that he's just meowing.

We'll know he's really nervous if he--

Aw, come on, moon! As a fellow prepper,

I'm sure you've run through every possible scenario.

What's the worst thing that could happen?

-I die. -I'm sure she'll say "yes."

You're one of the top ten most eligible preppers.

You're smart, you're funny, you own your own bear suit.

Moon, go.

Hey, quinn, it's moon. From school?

Hi, moon. I knew it was you, because of how I can see you.

Cool. Cool. Anyway, I was just thinking, um,

I'm going to the lil' prommers prom prep

For lil' preppers practice prom.

You're going to the lil' prommers prom prep

For lil' preppers practice prom, so...

What if we went together?

Oh. No.

no. No. No. No.

No. No...

Meow.

oh, my god, everybody,

Moon just asked quinn to the dance, but she said, "no."

Moo.

Oh, god, he mooed a meow!

Does anyone know the science on that?!

Maybe it would have been better if he died.

son, I ironed

Your suit for the lil' practice prommers... Ah.

I see you're packing your most prized possessions

Into a duffel bag.

-I assume this means you're going off-grid? -Yup.

Well, may I ask what triggered

This latest rupture with society?

School? Siblings? Social circle? Lady troubles?

Troubles doesn't begin to describe it.

Mm, I see. I fear I also have been in your shoes.

I wish I could make this better for you,

But some time in the woods alone is indeed one

Of the only known cures.

Thank you. I'll need that headlamp,

And that family-size bag

Of captain aloof's cheezy poofs, please.

The weather band said

A chinook wind might blow through tonight.

So I would also ask you to take a walkie-talkie

-In case of emergency. -All right, but where I'm going,

It's gonna be a lot more walkie than talkie.

Goodbye, father.

Remember to report to the van at 0800 hours.

You may go off the grid, but not off the school attendance list.

ah. This is the life.

And with each moment, I care less and less

About you-know-who saying you-know-what

About the little you-know-what prep

For you-know-what practice you-know-what.

Aah! Oh.

Chinook wind.

Nice try, nature. You're not gonna get rid of me that easy!

Mysterious figure in a gas mask

And hazmat suit running through the woods?

Oh, you better believe I'm gonna see where the hell this leads.

code wintermint!

Code wintermint!

Wintermint. Wintermint.

"wintermint: Mysterious figure in gas mask

"sighted on tobin property disappearing

Into locked hatch in the ground"?

This is why I never remove my under-poncho

During rainy season.

Ah, man, you guys woke me up from the craziest dream.

The mucinex booger made me dinner,

But we couldn't eat until I sneezed?

And then I did, and it was such a good sneeze

That the mucinex booger was crying!

And now I'm in the woods with a frying pan.

Judy, uh, what's the, uh, book for?

Y-you gonna use it as a weapon?

Maybe. It's 1001 irish jokes.

If he's irish, he could be devastated.

Okay, weapons ready. We're almost there.

The hatch door is camouflaged to look like the ground.

That's probably why we never noticed it before.

Attention, trespasser: Please show yourself!

nice try, ya crummy commies!

You'll never take me alive!

Uh, we are not commies,

And we mean you no harm. What is your name?

My name's mind your own business,

Boris, nuclear mutant of the eternal wasteland!

And my name is beef tobin. You're on my property.

-Did you say "beef tobin"? -Affirmative.

If you're a tobin, then prove it.

Do the tobin handshake.

There is no tobin handshake.

Correct. That was a test, and you passed.

I'm dirtrude, but I just go by "dirt."

My god! Legendary long-lost tobin family member aunt dirt?

Well, benny goodman's blowhole, you found me!

Sorry for calling you commies, but you can't be too careful.

I'd rather be apologizing to you here

Than bending the knee to brezhnev in moscow,

-If know what I mean. -Absolutely.

Aunt dirt, I can't believe it's really you.

Believe it, buddy boy. Your dad's big sister.

Dirtrude gertrude tobin.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

So is this place, like, your she shed

Or your murder dungeon?

This is my survival bunker, dollface.

I've lived here since the soviets invaded america.

Wait. When did that happen?

-It did not. -It did! It was good Friday,

March 27, 1964, when the earth shook

As their tanks rumbled ashore.

I believe you are actually referring

To the great alaskan earthquake of 1964,

During which you disappeared and were presumed dead.

Better presumed dead than red, you know what I mean?

Your version of off-the-grid is off the charts.

It's amazing that you were able

To survive down here this whole time.

Survive? I thrived, short stack.

I got everything a 25-year-old woman could ever want

Or need in this baby: Canned beans,

The collected works of ray bradbury,

A 1963 cheesecake calendar from skagway studebaker sales

And service for, um... Company.

- is that-- - yup, the tc-320 carbonizer,

A world-class urine filtration system.

-Wow. -Turns my tinkle

Into clean, potable drinking water

That barely even tastes like tinkle.

Just a hint, but you want that.

Oh, thank you so much, but I, uh...

Had tinkle for lunch.

Ooh. Doctor bojangles' energy crackers.

Ugh! These are awful. Ugh!

And yet, I can't stop eating them.

These crackers make me want to start a business.

I'm talking synergy. I'm talking seed funding.

I'm talking leverage. I'm still talking.

Judy, uh, it looks like...

...Dr. B.'s e.C.'s are mostly ephedrine,

Which is speed, so maybe don't eat anymore.

Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Yup. Just this box.

And, hey, ham, let's roll some calls.

-Get my boy greek on the line. -On it!

Oh, and let's have kevin order a bunch of sushi

For when the investors arrive. Kevin!

Wait. So, aunt dirt, if you came down here in 1964,

Does that mean you've never seen a single movie?

Babe, they had movies before 1964.

That can't be right.

Well, don't you worry, aunt dirt.

Me and honeybee will introduce you

To the magical world of the moving image.

We can pick out all the best movies you missed

While you were down here and catch you up.

The list basically writes itself.

Number one with a bullet:

The judi dench masterpiece, nanny fanny.

What? You're going nanny fanny

When away in a danger starring the rock is out there?

-He humiliated those dumbass wise men. -Fair point.

Ooh, and we can't forget

The look who's talking cinematic universe.

There will be plenty of time to bring aunt dirt up to speed.

Oh, another great movie. Speed!

-I love speed. -Oh, hell, yeah!

Okay, I'm gonna collect all of these to burn

While you guys get dressed.

Then let's take aunt dirt to maude's all day

For a modern breakfast before I drop you kids at school.

Aunt dirt, is it okay if I stay down here instead?

this place fully rips.

Of course. Make yourself at home.

Uh, you have school, but you can come down here

And rip when you get home.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You will not need a gun at breakfast, aunt dirt.

Ha! That's what they'd like you to think.

Stop playing their game, sweetie pie.

Cary grant's anus,

-I forgot my smokes. -Oh, no, your smokes!

Uh, you can't smoke

In any public spaces anymore, aunt dirt.

-Not even in hospitals? -Aunt dirt, you were

In the bunker for 60 years.

A lot's changed in that time.

Shirley temple's balls! 60?