Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Ho, ho, ho, Merry Christmas!

Whoa, thank you, good sir!

The elves will not starve this night.

- Any sign of our bogie? - Negative.

Are you sure our guy's gonna show?

My C.I. said he walked this route exactly

the last three days.

Fine, but in ten minutes, we're calling this.

I have to get back to my ecstasy task force.

We have to bag a major giggle pig player soon,

or they're gonna shut us down.

Ho, ho, ho, and a bottle of rum.

Presents!

God, you're bad at being Santa.

Jake, holy crap, 9:00.

The Pontiac bandit, aka Doug Judy.

Okay, Santa, stay calm, just like we practiced.

Merry Judy, Mr. Doug Judy Christmas.

Damn it! Peralta?

No!

Onion ring attack!

Ah! Greasy!

NYPD! Stop where you are!

Come on, Santa. Why are you so fat?

NYPD. Clear out.

Where are you?

Ah! Ah! Got you!

Doug Judy, you're under arrest.

Put your hands in the air.

Hey, Rosa. Merry Christmas, girl.

Shut up.

Take a good look, kids.

This is what happens when you're naughty!

Attention, everyone.

Holidays of many cultures approach.

This truly is a joyful time.

Join me for a festive winter party

at Shaw's bar this friday, 7:00 till 9:00.

Any questions?

A.M. or P.M.?

I'm gonna let you figure that one out.

Also, I'd like to reiterate None allowed.

Enjoy this merry season.

Good people of the nine-nine, I present to you

the seventh wonder of the world,

Doug Judy, aka the Pontiac bandit, foiled at last!

All right!

Wow, you guys, thank you very much.

All right, that's enough, Judy.

This is my moment. You are not to enjoy it.

I can't help it. I'm proud of you.

You're like a son to me.

A white, crispy son.

How would that even work? Am I adopted?

No, your mother's just really pale.

Almost invisible.

Okay.

Anyways, it's a shame I gotta ruin celebration

by cutting a deal and getting out of here.

Never! Right?

I'm just saying, I know a lot of real high-profile felons.

Makes me a very desirable tattletale.

We will never cut a deal with you,

not after you screwed us last year.

You don't want any info on a local burglary ring, perhaps?

Not good enough.

Testify, Captain!

How about a guy who makes fake credit cards?

- Negative. - You see that, Judy?

No matter what you say, you're going to jail.

What about drugs?

Y'all ever heard of giggle pig?

What do you know?

We're listening.

No, no, no, no, no, we're not listening.

We can't hear him.

Everybody shoot your guns in the air.

Gina, you need to see this.

Oh, Charles, I can't take that.

It's clearly not cash, and I don't have time

in my life to return things.

I found this at my dad's place last night.

It's from him to your mom.

No!

Yes!

Boyle, this is bad.

I thought our parents were just having a casual fling,

but presents is like old people third base.

No, that's rubbing butts together.

What?

But this is very close.

Gina, they may be getting serious.

Ugh!

Don't you dare say that!

Do you know how disgustingly entangled our lives will be

if our parents turn into a real couple?

Yes! You think I want you

and your mom horning in on the Boyle boys mimosa brunches?

That's our guy time.

Ugh. We need to figure out

what is in this horrible package, so we can determine

where they're at in their relationship.

What if it's a romantic book

or, like, a picture of the two of them in a frame?

Oh, or "his and hers" pajamas?

The kind that dissolve in your mouth.

Ew, no! No, Charles, ew.

So this is where all the tape went.

I gotta put up this pictures my daughters drew.

And I need some 'cause I cut my hand.

Hitchcock!

Go to the hospital!

And give 100 bucks to some doctor

to give me the exact same tape?

I don't think so.

Wow! What's all this?

I'm making a Christmas present for Captain Holt.

I know, I know.

He has a strict "no gift" policy, but I found a loophole.

Like your loophole last year?

So I was just gonna throw out this brand-new squash racquet,

but then I thought, "hey, maybe the Captain could use it."

I don't want your garbage.

No, it was a very expensive gift.

Aha, suspicions confirmed.

I asked the Captain what qualified as a gift,

and he said anything I spent money on.

Then I realized, my time is worth nothing.

Sounds like you're bragging, but that's just a sad statement.

I'm making a scrapbook of his professional highlights.

Newspaper clippings, police reports, pictures.

It's got every moment of his career, "from Ray to Z."

This is a very bad idea.

I know, I'm not happy with the title either,

but my backup was "keep holting on,"

but that just makes him sound like he's sick.

All right, before we make a deal with this evil monster,

can I just ask something?

Is giggle pig really that important?

My job, Rosa's job, and the fate of this entire precinct

all depend upon the outcome of this task force.

All right, fine.

Diaz, what's our status right now?

We've picked up a bunch of dealers,

but our main target is Tito Ruiz.

We believe he runs the whole operation,

only we can't prove it because none of his people

will turn on him

just because he bit off a few noses.

Babies.

I say the only way we make a deal with Doug Judy

is if he can give us the top guy, Tito Ruiz.

I can give you Tito Ruiz.

Oh, come on, Judy!

I mean, how do we even know this is real?

This guy's a huckster!

He's a lie guy.

Peralta has a point.

You have been a lie guy to us before.

Thank you. Give me some details.

Ruiz and I were cellies in Attica in the '90s.

He texted me last week.

Needs some cars to deliver his product.

I said no because drugs are stupid.

Except for weed and sex pills.

A man has needs.

Enough crooning!

Can you get us a face-to-face with Ruiz?

Yeah, but you gotta give me zero jail time.

No, that's not gonna happen.

Ha-ha! Stupid Judy.

The D.A., however, will offer a reduced sentence

in return for Ruiz's arrest.

5 years instead of 20.

Oh, that's tough but fair.

I can see why you have such intense daddy-stuff with him.

Oh, yeah, the guy without a daddy

is the one with daddy issues.

Explain that logic.

Since I'm going to jail, I wanna enjoy my time left

on the outside.

Put me up in a five-star hotel like the Royce.

Unlimited room service and minibar privileges.

Three-star hotel like the Brooklyner.

$60 a day meal allowance. No minibar.

Four-star hotel like the Oneida.

200 in food, no minibar or alcohol,

but I get to go crazy on candy and nuts.

Agreed.

Ow! Oh, one last thing.

Diaz has to be nice to me.

I want her to call me big sugar.

Ha, hugh mistake, bud.

She'll never agree to that.

No, I'm in. Let's do this, big sugar.

Ah!

What? All right, fine.

If this is going down, I wanna be on this case,

and my sole focus is Doug Judy.

He never leaves my sights.