Cake

Come on, kid. Get outta here.

Ice cweam.

‐What? ‐KID: Ice cweam!

No money, no ice cream. Come on, let's go.

‐Ice cweam! ‐You're holding up the line.

‐Let's go. ‐Ice cweam!

I gotta stop eating like this.

I can feel my metabolism slowing down.

Oh, me too, I know.

I mean, how many food festivals can one city have?

Guess we don't have to go to all of them.

What else are we gonna do for fun?

Other than eat and drink stuff?

Hmm. Bowling?

Mm.

The library?

Yeah, neither of those sound right.

Let's just find Kevin.

Oh, he said he was looking for nachos.

The nacho truck already left.

Oh, shit.

Why?

Why?!

As soon as he sees

the cheese fries, he'll be fine.

‐Hey! ‐What the hell, man?

Oh, sorry. Ernesto? Tanya?

‐BOTH: Naveen? ‐Yeah!

‐It's me, Naveen! ‐Oh, my God!

What are you doing here?

Cheese fries!

‐(Kevin sobs) ‐Ha! Is that Kevin?

This is like a little reunion.

‐Yeah! ‐Wow!

Man, we haven't seen you since...

The party days.

The party days.

You used to party so hard.

I know.

I was a real wild guy.

But then I got hit by a car.

‐(gasps) ‐Holy sh‐‐

‐Oh, my God. ‐Damn, dude.

Yeah, after that, I got my life together.

It was like the universe was telling me,

"Stop partying, Naveen."

No more beer, no more junk food.

I got healthy. I found happiness.

‐Yeah. ‐Hell yeah.

All right, man!

And then I got hit by another car.

‐What? ‐Damn!

Yeah, and I had to start all over again.

Again.

It was another sign from the universe,

but I was listening even harder.

So I got even healthier.

I got into running, I got married,

I started my own successful business.

‐That's awesome, man. ‐Good for you, dude.

And then I got hit by another car.

‐Oh, no. ‐Wait.

Do you, like, look both ways before crossing

or any of that stuff?

I only look one way: forward.

‐(whistles) ‐That's my philosophy.

‐Ha. So true. ‐What's true?

Sorry, I have to keep moving to maintain the ol' sweat rate.

I'm training for my first marathon.

Wow, that's, like, the biggest race, right?

Yep‐‐I figure I'm not getting any younger,

and another car could hit me at any second,

so might as well live my best life, right?

Hey, I gotta run,

but we should grab a water sometime.

‐You know, catch up. ‐Yeah, for sure.

‐I love water. ‐See ya!

Wow, what an inspiration.

No, that guy was always an idiot.

And now he's been hit by three cars?

That's not a normal amount of cars.

Maybe I should stop eating junk food

and start a business and run a marathon.

I haven't done any of those things.

I'm probably in the worst shape of my life,

and I'm older than I've ever been before!

Listen, if you wanna change your life,

don't do it because of Naveen.

Do it because, I don't know,

you're ashamed of your past choices or whatever.

Wait, why do people change their lives?

Hmm. I think it is shame.

I'm still eating this burger, though.

Oh, of course, it would be a waste not to.

Mm‐hmm!

Hey, um, I just saw Naveen.

Mmm, mmm. He looks incredible!

Really healthy.

But then out of nowhere, bam!

Hit by a car.

Oh, no.

Mmm. Cheesy.

Yeah, I guess I just find it kind of hard

to relate to people because I like weird movies.

Yeah, my friends don't really get me,

my family doesn't really get me because I like weird movies.

Yeah, sorry, I just don't think

you would've heard of any of them.

Like, have you seen Bunker Pillow?

70 minutes of raw, orgy‐astic lemon zesting.

Plus a guy gets his ass eaten by a pterodactyl.

No, it's just kind of, like, weird, I guess.

Guy takes so much Benadryl, goes to a pottery class,

makes a couple of mugs,

then he gets his ass eaten by a pterodactyl.

He's got a grenade launcher that shoots red pandas.

People with phantom limbs and glass penal glands

playing chess with Santa‐‐ kinda weird.

I don't know how I got this way.

I guess as a kid, I was kinda, like, doing my own thing.

A Pinocchio remake where child labor laws

are being IRL violated.

And a couple of guys are getting

their asses eaten by a pterodactyl.

So yeah, I just need, like, a $900,000 student loan.

I'm talking webcam hernia massages.

I'm very lonely.

‐SWAN BOY: Swan boy! ‐(guitar chords)

The thing about Tom Waits

that I understand and I feel like most people don't...

So really, Mark Hoffis was holding the‐‐

Oh, my God, is that the choking sign?

Is Rona choking?!

Don't worry, Rona! I'm coming!

Out of the way, virgins!

Swan Boy, you've bespoiled the burgers and dogs!

Gabby, I'm disappointed in you.

You're taking time to talk

about the bespoiled burgers and dogs

when Rona is choking.

She's dying. Her face is turning blue.

She's got half a second to live,

and you're talking about burgers and dogs.

Just wasting time.

Oh, uh, I'm‐‐you know, I'm‐‐ what is this, pork?

Swan Boy, you useless asshole.

First you forget to bring ice,

and then you ruin the grilled meats.

I didn't forget the ice;

I just stopped thinking about it.

That's what forgetting is!

You are useless!

I am not useless! I'll show you.

I'll get more ice than your shitty little cups can handle.

Well, I'm lost.

I know‐‐I'll use the stars to guide me.

Like the pioneers.

Eh, hmm. Ah, fuck!

Why's that one star so close?

Well met, traveler!

Huh. Who the shit are you?

A friend of sorts.

Here to lighten your coinpurse.

We'll be taking that. Veep!

Uh, bone dry, boss.

I hope "Gangnam Style" is still popular.

Aha!

We mistook your frame for an inbred prince

and thought you wealthy.

More fools we.

What is this, like, pirates? Are you guys pirates?

I see his riches lie in wits rather than wallets.

He thinks us privateers.

Well, I hate this. I'm gonna head out.

Heh, you must forgive us our manners.

We are the Cheerful Chaps!

We live outside of society and its judgmental eye.

‐Come again? ‐Aye!

We are a merry band.

‐We rob from the rich and‐‐ ‐You rob from the rich?

Yea, verily!

We live off their spoils.

Yeah, well, somebody's gotta.

Aah. Our little corner of the world.

Where we can just live free and die hard.

The bandits' code is that

we must always have each other's backs.

We live off the grid, you see.

Badass. Fuck grids.

Swan lad, I see something in you.

Some spark of greatness.

Methinks the Cheerful Chaps would make great use of you.

No foolin'?

You mean like a useful guy?

In your words lie truth.

May our coffers never run dry.

And may our martinis always.