The Mick

*THE MICK* Season 02 Episode 09 Title: "The Divorce"

Thank you all for coming.

Your father and I have some big news

that we thought you should hear in person.

Right, yeah. Can we just take a second

and discuss Christopher's teeth?

Oh, you noticed those.

Courtesy of the great state of Connecticut.

They're really nice, Dad.

Uh-huh.

- Let's get back on track. - Yes.

Um, Christopher, would you like to start?

No, you go ahead.

I really think you should tell them.

Wait, are you guys having another baby?

Oh. Ew. No. No, just...

We're getting a divorce.

- What?! - Okay. -Why?

Ugh. Well, I mean, not that you'd ever understand this,

but marriage is very difficult.

No, I mean why now?

You live in separate prisons. Seems like a lot of paperwork.

Mm, but we're a family. You're just gonna throw this all away?

Well, I'm afraid there's more news.

Is it bad? I can't handle more bad.

It's about you, Chip.

Oh, God. I don't feel so good.

Poodle, floor is yours.

Really? I have to give both pieces of news?

Well, considering the circumstances,

I think you should take this one.

Just frickin' lay it on me!

Fine.

Chip, um, we just thought

that you should know that your father...

is not your father.

What? Who's his real dad?

Some scumbag dick named Howard Buckley.

All right, look, the point is

this doesn't change anything, sweetie.

Are you serious?

- Kind of changes everything. - Okay.

Can we all just show a little sensitivity here, please?

Poor kid just found out he's a bastard.

How you doing, Chip? You okay?

Ch-Chip?

Hello?

Are you happy?

Damn. That is heavy.

Mm-hmm. -Yeah, poor kid.

It was more bad news than his little tiny brain could handle.

Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Hey, pal. How you holding up?

Just filling my bastard glass with some bastard juice.

You know, maybe you should reach out to this Howard Buckley guy.

No way. I'm not talking to that home-wrecker.

Chip, when I was a little girl,

I told my father that I hated him

because he would not buy me a mango pop.

And the next day, he was murdered. By a bus.

Alba, what does this story

have to do with me in any way?

My dad didn't die.

I have an extra dad.

If anything, I have the opposite problem.

Now if you'll excuse me,

I'll be in my bastard room doing bastard things.

- Yeah. - Mm.

Messy.

Your parents really let their screwed up relationship

bone the whole family, huh?

W-Well, yeah, but I mean,

you're not exactly an expert on healthy relationships. -Hey.

- What's that supposed to mean? - Oh, come on, you and Jimmy

are the most dysfunctional couple I've ever seen.

You fight constantly, you're never affectionate.

You burned his ass off.

Yeah, those are, uh, th-those are ups and downs.

Every relationship has them, but...

You won't even call him your boyfriend.

He's not my boyfriend, that's why.

He's my, he's my guy. Uh, look.

I don't want to explain it to you.

I don't need to explain it to you.

Because Jimmy and I understand each other, and we're fine.

Well, hon, it's been a while

since you two have been intimate.

Damn it, Alba! You got to stop

spying on us, okay.

I am not.

You guys mind your business, all right.

Jimmy and I are not the ones dragging everybody

through their messy divorce.

What's divorce?

Uh... Mick, you want to take this one?

Damn it.

Chip. W-What are you doing?

Nothing much.

- Just burning some lies. - Wha...?

You're burning your baseball glove?

I used to play catch with my dad all the time, but...

since I no longer have a dad, there's no point.

Ah...

Okay, oh. You need to see this.

I googled your real father and it turns out

he's a pretty decent guy.

You know, h-he's a widower,

and he just finished fourth in a 10k

to raise awareness for lymphoma.

I think you should know him.

You know, when my father was on his deathbed,

it took all the strength he had

to open his eyes, and-and he looked up at me,

- and he said, "I'm... - Damn! My dad's rich as balls!

He owns an outdoor recreation company,

and he's worth half a billy?

I'm back, baby!

Their headquarters are in Stamford; it's ten minutes away.

Well, I guess it couldn't hurt to take a look at the guy.

Okay. Let's go. I will drive.

- Okay. - Yeah.

- Hey, Jimmy, listen, we need to talk...

What you doing?

Nothing. You know, I was just reading the news.

- Oh, you're reading the news... - Uh-huh.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Cool. - Yeah.

What's going on in the news?

Well, uh, you know, I don't know, for starters:

the whole world's going to hell.

- You know, so there's that. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

What?

Oh.

Yeah. You think I was...

- Yeah... - Yeah, well,

that's funny that you think that. But I wasn't

Okay. Um... can I borrow your computer?

'Cause I got to check my e-mail.

No, I, see, I know what you're doing, okay?

- Come on. - And just so you know,

I don't use a computer to do that, so...

Right. Right.

Why would I use a computer when I can just

- think about you? - Oh, my God.

- No, that's true. I do. - Eh.

I think about you, all right? I do. Okay?

Look, I'm not gonna lie to you.

Maybe sometimes there are other people there.

Mm. -Well, I'm just saying, you know,

make my mind... it's like this gym.

- Eh, um, sorry, a gym? - Yeah.

And you're there. You're-you're running

around the track on the outside.

I mean, sure, yeah, there are other people there.

And they're-they're using the machines,

and maybe I check them out for a sec, you know?

Hmm, see what kind of exercises they're doing.

But sure enough, you always come running back around.

And then I'm looking at you.

And I'm in the middle.

Tugging on it?

No. I, uh, what... You're putting...

- What're you doing, all right? - Yeah.

'Cause you're coming in here like the NSA!

You're demanding my hard drive!

And now, you're sticking things in my mouth.

Why are you yelling at me?

Because I don't want you in here!

I didn't come in here to fight with you.

I actually came in 'cause I wanted to talk about us,

but I've... yeah, th-the mood has passed,

and I don't anymore, all right.

Enjoy... your, uh, the news.

Daddy?

Excuse me? Can I help you?

Uh, no.

Just, uh, got to use the restroom.

That's a pretty big fish.

Excuse me?

The picture of you out front. So cool.

Oh, the marlin. Right.

You an intern or something?

Uh, yeah, uh, I-I'm an intern.

I'm here working for free, so...

What are you, like, 14?

Uh, I'm exactly 14.

What are you, a frickin' psychic?

I got a daughter your age.

Wish someone could instill that work ethic in her.

Well, I'm big into ethics.

At school, they call me "Kid Ethics."

Right. Well, I'm done draining. See you around.

Uh-huh.

Didn't even wash his hands.

Such a badass.

So Mom and Dad still love us,

they just don't want to be married anymore?

Yeah, you got it. Nice job, bud.

Hey, uh, have you guys seen Mickey?

I need to talk to her.