M*A*S*H

‐Corporal! ‐Sir?

Where are you going with all those vegetables?

Uh, nowhere, Major.

I was just fixing myself a little salad.

A little salad?

You could hide in there till the war was over

and nobody'd find you.

Well, my doctor back home says

I have to eat lots of greens.

I have a, uh, deficiency of malnutrition.

What kind of a jackass do you think I am?

Oh, you'd know that better than me, sir.

Corporal, if those vegetables are for you,

you just sit down there and eat 'em right now,

every bit of 'em.

Now, sir?

Uh, well, I was gonna eat 'em at the movies tonight.

Who eats salad at the movies?

I'm a vegetarian, sir. I won't touch popcorn.

Oh.

Hi. I'm sorry I'm late.

Major Burns stopped me.

Oh, gee, he's rough.

I thought he just hated people,

but he hates us, too.

Hi. Here you go.

There you go.

You're eating just as good as we do now.

I sure am sorry about that.

Hey. What's up?

Come here. I want to see you.

Come on.

Come on.

Oh, there we go.

It's just the war.

You know, if you were an American animal,

you'd be miles away from here.

Maybe not, though.

I'm here, and I'm an American animal.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

Incoming wounded.

Both surgical shifts report to the operating room.

Both shifts, please.

We just came off a shift.

I feel like an embalmer's practice dummy.

You know how easily I could live

without any more wounded?

It's called peace.

Well, we certainly can't have any more of that.

Dear Dad,

The wounded keep coming and coming.

The latest batch were Greek soldiers.

Greece is one of the 17 U. N. Countries

fighting here in Korea.

Greeks, Siamese, Ethiopians, Turks.

You name 'em, we got 'em.

The common denominator is blood. It's all red.

And there's an awful lot of it leaking out around here.

We spent the better part of a whole day

mending the heirs to Plato, Plutarch, Aristotle, Socrates.

I know a Greek back home. Owns an ice cream parlor.

Right next door to the Confucius Hand Laundry, Frank?

What's that supposed to mean?

Want to learn about medicine, Mr. Kwang?

‐Mm‐hmm. ‐All came from Greece.

Started with a man named Hippocrates, born in 460.

Right next door to 461.

He, uh, wrote treatises on medicine,

handed down concepts that are in use today.

He also composed the Hippocratic Oath.

Very good, Frank. Go to the head of your patient.

I'll finish here. Put him back on the wooden horse.

Marlow, you want to give us a hand here?

‐Can you guys get the other end? ‐Suction here, okay?

Ours is a noble and ancient profession, Mr. Kwang.

Homer wrote about doctors carrying out operations

‐in The Iliad. ‐Right.

Of course, they didn't make temple calls.

Who was it who wrote "A physician alone is worth many men"?

‐I wrote that, Frank. ‐Tsk.

Actually, my receptionist said it once

during a tandem exploratory.

Somebody put me or this patient back to sleep!

Come on, honey! Move!

What have we here?

Is my leg bad, Doc?

I've seen worse.

Will it have to come off?

I don't know how to do that. We'll have to keep it on.

You'll be fine. Take five.

Okay, let's prep him. Come on.

Radar!

Sir?

I will never understand

how you can hear me before I ever call you.

I guess it's the same as cows

lying down on all fours just before it rains.

Do cows lay down on all fours

‐before it rains? ‐Yes, sir.

I wonder why.

I don't think they want to get their bags wet.

Sure know a lot about animals, Radar.

I got 16 cats back home, sir.

Oh.

At the draft board they found a fur ball in my throat.

‐Thanks for the pencil, Radar. ‐You're welcome, sir.

Oh, sir, there's a Colonel Andropolis to see you.

Well, do we know any Andropolises? Andropoli?

He's with the Greek Army.

Has he got a problem? Does he look like trouble?

Uh, no, sir. He looks pleasant enough.

All right. Show him in, Radar.

Uh, yes, sir.

This way, sir.

‐Colonel Blake? ‐Yes, sir?

Colonel Andropolis, sir.

I am most grateful for the treatment

my men have received at your hospital.

Well, we aim to please, sir.

Can I offer you a drink?

Thank you.

Uh‐oh, I'm afraid the cupboard's a little bare.

Someone's been coming through the rye here.

Oh, a drink is not necessary, Colonel.

Oh, well, I usually wait till noon myself.

I just‐‐

Aha. Here's some gin.

Have you ever tried ouzo?

‐It's a Greek liqueur. ‐Oh, yes, I did.

I had a few down in Seoul one night.

Tried to go to sleep in a wastebasket.

Cheers.

Yep, well, here's lookin' up your old address.

Our Greek Easter, Colonel, is this coming Sunday.

Oh, well, happy, uh, Athens.

Uh, for those of my men still in hospital here,

I have arranged for certain delicacies

to be airlifted from Greece.

Oh, that's nice.

Your people are invited to share them with us.

Oh, well, that's very kind, sir.

Uh, Sunday?

Uh... Uh, fine, good.

I'll just cancel the film

on the history of athlete's foot.

Okay. Right there.

Delicacies?

Uh, grape leaves, lamb, moussaka.

‐Ouzo? ‐Oh, a bathtub full.

Well, I'll practice keeping my head underwater.

Well, I am afraid duty calls, Colonel.

Good day, and thank you.

I'm your relief.

Ah, they couldn't get a doctor, right?

A word about today's lunch: don't.

It's called Army Surprise.

Yesterday's corned beef hash

rehashed in hearts of helmet salad.

Here you go.

Which end do you blow in?

That kid over there, the one whose leg you did?

‐Chapman? ‐Mm‐hmm.

‐The arterial reconstruction? ‐Mm‐hmm.

Wound was self‐inflicted.

You noticed.

The powder burns, the angle.

For anyone to shoot him that close,

they'd have to both be standing inside the same uniform.

When are they going to put out a manual for these kids

on how to self‐inflict?

Think Frank knows?

Frank knows so little,

it's hard to keep up with how much he doesn't know.

I don't think he knows.

He'd had the kid up on charges in a flash.

Well, that's his job as head fink.

To report everything in his finkdom.

Lunch is N. G., huh?

Only if taken internally.

How do you feel?

Better.

You're a lucky boy, you know?

If that bullet had gone a half an inch the other way,

you could've lost your leg.

Good thing the guy that hit you

wasn't that great a shot.

Yeah.

The cold can really mess up a guy's aim, you know?

The cold...anxiety...

fear.

Y‐You really know a lot about things, don't you?

People.

Well, that comes from opening them up

and peeking inside.

You get back at the line,

try not to let the same guy shoot you again.

I think he's lookin' to hurt you.

Right.

Also, we need the bed space for serious cases‐‐

hemorrhoids, hangnails, like that.