Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Attention, everyone!

Say good-bye to the Jake Peralta you know and love,

for today is the day I forever change.

- Ooh, are you finally growing a mustache?

No, you know I can't do that,

and it's cruel of you to keep bringing it up.

This envelope contains the inheritance my uncle left me.

He died a year ago; he was so rich,

he had a whole room in his house just to eat in.

You mean like a dining room?

- Yeah, but in Manhattan. - Oh, dang.

- Now, just because I'm definitely rich now

doesn't mean I'm gonna forget my roots.

You all get something, so fire away.

- Jake, your friendship is gift enough for me.

- Friendship is crap. I want a Ducati Monster 821.

- All right, Rosa gets a motorcycle.

- Oh, cool. I want a fast sports car.

- Come on. You can be honest.

- I want old, expensive books. I'll send you a list.

There you go.

Now, let's find out what I'm worth.

Oh, I'm too nervous to open it. Sarge, you do it.

Okay.

It's stock. One million shares!

Oh, my God!

Of Blockbuster Video stock.

All: Ohh. - What? Is that bad?

I still have a Blockbuster card!

What happened to Blockbuster?

- Mapping, mapping, mapping, mapping,

mapping, mapping.

What's going on there, buddy?

- Just making a final imprint of your face

before the LASIK surgery goes poorly

and my eyeballs get burned off.

- Why stop at the eyes? Burn off your whole head.

- Charles, the surgery is going to go fine, all right?

You'll have some vision impairment for a few hours,

and I'm gonna be with you the whole time!

Plus, they're gonna give you some of those sweet-ass

Robocop sunglasses.

- Those are blind people sunglasses.

- Captain. What are you doing here?

Thought you took the day off to pack for your big trip,

or did you finally realize

that it only takes one minute to pack?

- Not if you care about your possessions

and what the world sees when they look at you.

- Huh. - I'm not going.

Cheddar's regular dog sitter is ill,

and the heat's out in my house,

so I don't think it's a good time for me

to visit Kevin in Paris.

- Sir, you can't just cancel your trip.

You guys haven't seen each other in months.

How about this: Amy and I

will look after your house while you're gone.

Right, Ames? - Totally.

- I thought you two were watching Ray Charles Boyle.

Good point.

Charles can come with us and look after Cheddar.

I'm told that blind people

have a special connection with dogs.

- I knew it. You do think I'm gonna go blind.

That's an interesting offer,

but I don't want to be an imposition.

- Pshaw! Imposition? Pshaw!

No, I was talking to Santiago.

I assume she'll be doing all the work.

Why?

Oh, because of our track records and personalities.

Sure, sure, sure, sure, yeah.

- So, Santiago, are you sure you're okay with this?

- I'm so in. This is gonna be fantastic.

This is horrible! We're not ready for this.

This is a level one responsibility.

I'm a level two at best, and you're not even a level!

Well, I'm a level, you know.

I'm probably, like, a level five.

Not a level.

I thought you'd be psyched.

I mean, a week at Captain Holt's house?

Wasn't that where you wanted to spend your honeymoon?

- Yeah, but this is too much pressure!

Why did you volunteer us for this?

- Because Holt hasn't seen Kevin in, like, months,

and I was just thinking if that was me and you,

it would make me really sad.

- Oh. That's actually super sweet.

- Plus, there's this big, fat binder

full of instructions and rules.

There's a binder?

Why didn't you lead with that, you idiot?

Oh!

- How about I just leave you two alone?

Okay.

Diaz.

Pimento.

What's up? - What's up with you?

I need you to sign this report. - Okay.

I'll sign your report.

Mm.

What the hell?

Mm.

- Careful. The ink's still wet.

Maybe this'll help.

- Okay, they got to knock that off.

- Loosen up, Sarge. - Summer of love, baby.

- It's March, man. Shut up.

It's true what they say.

Now that I'm fully blind forever,

my other senses are heightened.

I feel a door.

We're at Captain Holt's house.

- Also, the GPS announced it when we pulled up.

Hey, once we're inside,

maybe keep your hands to yourself, all right?

The captain can be very particular about his stuff.

- Cheddar! Let go! Let go of it!

- Amy? - This is a cashmere sweater!

Oh, my stupid allergies!

He got into Kevin's closet.

He was supposed to stay downstairs.

The binder was very clear about that.

Why won't you respect the binder?

- Oh, no, he's turning all the turtlenecks

into regular necks.

Charles, you got to help us. - On it.

Okay, the key with dogs is establishing the alpha.

Cheddah, dwop it. Pwease dwop it.

I'll give you anything you want.

- Oh, Cheddar is the alpha. Didn't expect that.

Pwease, pwease, pwease.

- Nice job, Boyle. It worked.

- But the mess, Jake. The mess!

- Don't worry. We're gonna clean it up.

Everything is totally under control.

- Charles' pants are on fire. - What?

Boyle, the space heater! Get away from the space heater!

I don't know where it is!

I'm just gonna run at full speed!

- No! - Aah!

- Charles, just stay where you are!

I got it.

Whoo! Okay.

It's okay. Everything's fine.

Fire's out. And this table is...

Oh!

- Fragile. I was gonna say fragile.

Nailed it. - Ah!

You punching holes?

- Yeah. - That's way too much paper.

Not for me.

- Can't even get a cup of coffee.

Well, I'm off to find some yellow paper

so I can do this all over again.

- All right, Diaz? That's it.

What's going on with you two?

- Oh, you noticed it? - Yeah, I noticed it!

Everyone's noticed it!

A convicted pervert asked me if you guys could cool it.

I don't know what to tell you.

Something between us, Sarge.

Something dark and urgent.

Ah.

Okay. Great news.

The smell of burnt sweatpants and singed leg hair

is finally dissipating.

- I just hope I can grow it back by Speedo season.

- Call from Raymond Holt, mobile.

Oh, no. Not Holt.

- Don't worry. I've got this.

- Bonjour, Captain. Voulez-vous coucher avec moi?

- No, I don't want to sleep with you.

Is that what that means?

Oh, man, I had a really gross tennis instructor.

- I'm calling to check in before I get on the flight.

Everything okay? - Okay?

Let's just say if the house could talk, she would say,

"I've never been happier; I love Jake."

- Oh, that's interesting, because I think

the house might say "Jake's a liar, and I'm...

on fire."

What's that now?

- The security company called me about the alarm.

- Okay, the house was never on fire.

Charles was on fire, and only on his pants,

and we put it out.

I'm coming home right now.

- Wait, no. Sir, please don't do that.

You have to go see Kevin. Everything's fine.

- No, my decision is final. I'm postponing my flight.

Good-bye, Jacob.

- No, sir! Please, please... ahh!

He said "Jacob."

It's biblical.

Guys, guys!

Holt is headed home right now.

- No! He can't come home.