Love Bites

- Hey! - Whoa.

It's a sidewalk. Walk.

There's three good reasons to run, man--

cops, lions, and--and--

Angry hookers who won't accept checks.

You and I are very different.

Hey, hold up, I got to pop in here

for a purchase real quick.

You got one of these cards?

Yeah, of course.

My cousin Pete's a gynecologist.

And you suffer from what, cramps?

Yep. And anxiety...

And breast tenderness.

Yeah, I-I would stop seeing that gynecologist.

Hey, no card, no entry.

- I'm just gonna look. - No card, no look.

Hey, what's up, man?

How you doing, bro?

You see the tattoos on that old guy?

Pretty sweet.

Don't look at me. You're the old guy.

Oh, man, I haven't been this pleased with a purchase

since I bought that bottle of drakkar noir

at the duty-free. "That old guy."

I mean, those guys weren't teenagers.

They were, like, late 20s.

- You want to know the secret? - No.

Moisturizer.

I moisturize like it's my job.

You got to take care of your skin, dude.

It's your biggest organ.

I take care of my organ. Colleen got me a loofah.

Loofah? What--

Dude, you're a complete train wreck.

You've got to moisturize, Judd.

Those guys back at the pot shop,

I guarantee you they moisturize.

McConaughey-- perfect example.

- Matthew McConaughey? - Yeah, man's 59 years old.

He doesn't look a day over 30.

Matthew McConaughey is not 59 years old.

Regardless, he has a youthful glow about him.

And he's always gonna have it,

'cause Matt McConaughey moisturizes.

And he uses a weird electric comb to keep his hair.

You know what I found the other day?

A gray hair. So what?

Color it. Your hair's your second biggest organ.

No, no. I found a gray hair down there.

Well, that's no big deal.

It'll just make your junk look more distinguished.

Oh, awesome.

So my penis looks like a tenured college professor.

You know, I'm completely clear-cut down there.

Did you know that? How would I know that?

Yep, keeps my junk looking eternally youthful.

Chicks love it-- from the waist down,

I'm a 14-year-old boy, except for my junk.

That's great. You know what?

I don't know why, but this isn't helping me.

Bet I know what will. The doctor is in!

Hey, how's it going?

Great. It's great.

Oh, crap.

Hey, honey. Hey.

Great news.

Uh, Dan has, uh,

one of those, uh, medicinal marijuana cards.

- Boom. - You guys are high?

It's 10:30. We don't have a choice.

Look what they have on tv-- the space walk.

NASA would never broadcast stuff like that in the morning

if they didn't want us to wake and bake.

Check it, Judd's wife, there's something for everyone.

We got s'mores, soda pot, caramel pot corn.

Yeah, when did pot become all wonka-fied?

I mean, what happened to buying it

from that sketchy kid who lived off campus

and looked like Joey Ramone?

Oh, he dropped out and opened a pot store.

- Pot pot pie? - No, thanks, Judd's friend.

I'll pass.

Oh, well, suit yourself.

That's more...

More for us. Ohh.

Oh, smell that. Oh, my God.

Smell that.

Dude, you got to go.

What?

But, uh... The--

what--the pizza?

I'm about to have daytime sex with my wife,

'cause that's what young guys do.

They have sex during the day.

Not with their wives.

Bye, Dan.

I'm so alone.

Uh... Can I help you?

- So I kicked Dan out. - Still here, dude.

Get out! So I kicked Dan out.

Are you, um, having trouble with your belt there, chief?

There's something wrong with my pants.

Is somebody a little high?

Yeah, me. I am a little high.

You can stop fighting with your pants.

We're not having sex.

Oh-ho. Are you sure?

Uh, ugh. Uck, yeah.

Wow, is that how you seduce people--

by sticking your fingers in their mouth?

No.

I seduce people by sticking fingers in their mouth

and dancing like this.

Aw, you look like that little gopher at the end of Caddyshack.

Yeah, nobody had sex with that gopher, Judd.

Hey, Colleen, Dan left us some treats.

I, uh--I got stuff I got to do today, okay?

Hey, remember when we used to smoke all the time?

- Remember Sunday... - Fun day.

Right! That was fun, right?

- Yeah. - Fun day!

And aptly named.

Yeah, you know what else is fun?

Going to the local farmers' market

and sampling peaches

to get the taste of my husband's fingers

out of my mouth. Boo!

Come on, old Colleen would've done it.

Yeah, well, old Colleen didn't have a job.

Ugh!

Peaches and jobs-- listen to yourself.

Okay, you know what?

I didn't want to have to do this,

but I am gonna redeem birthday coupons

for "anything Judd wants."

You realize that those were supposed to be

for steak and a birthday beej.

Okay. Uh, well, I'm actually

gonna redeem this one for you getting high,

and this one I'm gonna redeem

for you helping me with my pants,

and then we'll see where it goes from there.

Come on.

Did Dan leave maybe a pot breakfast burrito?

'Cause I'm kind of starving.

I already ate it.

- Dude. - Later.

I totally get it now.

- Told you. - Ah. Wow.

It's much better, though, when you're doing the dance.

Mm, never.

- I'll get it. - Get what?

The phone.

Oh, you mean our phone's ringing?

Because I hear whale sounds, and they need our help.

- Hi, mom. - Hi, Judd.

Mom, are you in the car? I can't hear you.

Yeah. But don't worry.

I got one of those new bluetooths.

Actually, mine is pink. But I'm hands-free.

We just left,

and we'll pick you up in about 15 minutes, okay?

Okay. Why's my mom picking us up?

I don't know.

She's old and crazy.

I feel sorry for her.

Judd, you're not running late, are you?

You can't be. It's important.

You're the godfather.

We forgot about the christening!

Oh, crap! That's today!

- Yes! - What is going on over there?

It's Colleen, isn't it? Yeah.

She's upset because she's not the godmother, right?

You have to tell her it's nothing personal.

She's just not real family.

Okay, mom, I'll tell her. I love you. Bye.

Oh, my God, 15 minutes! She'll be here in 15 minutes!

We got to go get dressed. Come on!

Come on! We got to get dressed.

My mom is gonna be so disappointed.

She's gonna know I'm high.

I'm not gonna be her special boy.

I need to be her special boy. Special...Boy. Whoa!

What is that? I've never seen you wear a hat.

Where'd you get that thing? Well, I like buying hats,

but I don't like wearing hats. Oh, you're freaking me out.

Okay, pantyhose. You know what?

They don't let you into church without pantyhose.

God hates bare legs.

Oh, God, I haven't shaved!

Oh, hairy and bare--that is a first-class ticket to hell.

- Huh? - A shirt with words?

Are you kidding me? Did you read it?

Live in the world, Judd!

We need to stop slapping each other--we got to get dressed.

Oh! You're right. Sorry.

All right.

I love this song.