Friday Night Dinner

All right, Pusface?

Shh!

What are you doing?

Come here!

What?

Quickly.

What are you looking at?

Dad's got no top on.

He never has a top on.

Yeah, but...

Shit.

He's been doing that for ages, he just keeps on looking and looking.

Why's he looking at his...?

I don't know. It's not good, though. It's funny, but it's not good.

It's definitely not good.

Whoah! Magnifying glass?

A new development.

Why does he need it magnified?

I really don't want to know.

So, what? This just means it's very small?

Or very thin?

Lice?

Mice?

Shit. Mum!

What are they saying?

He's probably not saying he's been looking at his cock for half an hour.

Oi! I know what it is.

Go on.

Dad's grown another one.

Nice. Two of them.

Yeah, stereo.

Hello, bambinos!

Hi, Dad.

What's so funny?

Nothing. How are you?

What?

How are you?

Oh, yeah, fine. Fine.

Shut the door. Hi, boys!

Hi, Mum.

Yeah, move along.

Are you switched on today?

Oh, yes, sorry. My hearing machine's not quite...

Two penises.

Are you sure you're OK?

Yeah, it's just my knee.

Your knee?

Bloody knee. What's so funny?

He still going on about his bloody knee? Hello, darling.

Hi, Mum.

All right, Mum. Your hair looks nice.

Thanks. Yours looks horrible.

I just need the loo.

Yes. Goodbye, Martin.

So, no Alison?

Oh, yeah. Where's your girlfriend?

She couldn't come.

Because she doesn't exist?

Very funny. She sorry. She's with a friend.

Simon?

Ooh, nice soup.

Simon?

Yes.

Her boyfriend.

Shut up.

Definitely sleeping together.

At least I've got a girlfriend.

True.

Who you share with another man.

Aw!

Excuse me.

Ah, gotcha!

Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.

Gotcha!

This is amazing, Mum.

Thanks, darling.

Very nice, Jackie. Lovely bit of squirrel.

So, you like my hair, then?

Yep.

I had it done.

Your mother had her hair done.

We know.

She had a flaky scalp.

Martin.

Oh, Dad!

Thanks for telling them.

It's not in the food, is it?

Thank you very much.

But...

I'll get some moreketchup, then, shall I?

Nice one, Dad.

But I found flakes!

So, Dad, you hurt your knee?

My what?

Your knee.

What about my knee?

You hurt it?

Did I? Oh, yes, yes.

So, um,

how did you do it?

What?

How did you do it?

Um... Banged it.

Oh. On what?

My other knee.

Right.

Here, Your Lordship.

Ooh, lovely. Tomato blood.

Mum, good news. My thing's on tonight.

What thing?

The music I did for that ad? That jingle?

That he didn't get paid for.

They took me out for lunch.

Sorry, paid in potatoes.

Shut up, Jonny! It's on tonight?

Later, on the radio. It's not a big deal.

Oh, that's wonderful, Bobble!

You're going to do so well.

Martin? Martin!

Adam's jingle's on tonight. We mustn't forget to listen.

Tell Alison to listen, too.

OK.

Won't she find it difficult with Simon's balls in her ear?

Ha ha!

I'll get it!

I'll get it!

Who's that? Don't they knowit's Friday night?

What you up to?

Nothing.

Oh. Hi, Jim.

Hello, Jonny. Your mum there?

Um, it's Adam.

I'm Jonny.

Always get you mixed up. You look so similar.

Do we?

Good boy!

Adam? Could you tell him to come later? We're eating.

Do you mind if you come back later? We're eating.

Something smells good.

We're just about to have our dins dins, aren't we? Aren't we, Wilson?

The chops.

Right.

Oh, it's just about the sponsorship form for charity.

Your mum said she'd sponsor me for the...

Oh, tell them to bloody go away!

Martin!

If you could just come back after dinner?

Yes, I'll see you later.

Thanks, Jonny.

Adam.

Come on. Come on.

Come on, Wilson.

He must think I'm such a mean cow.

He keeps asking me to sponsorhim, but I'm always busy.

What's he doing anyway?

Oh, some charity badminton or backgammon game or something.

I don't know. You know...

They're quite different.

Who was that, the council?

The council? When has thecouncil ever been round?

What?

What?

Adam,

your mother tells me your radio jingle is on tonight?

Rather formal.

Um, yes, sir. Well, it's a start, you know.

And who wrote the music?

I did, Dad. It's a jingle.

And what's it for?

Car insurance.

Ooh, the big time.

Thank you.

Ooh, cars.

Car insurance.

Well. Well done, Adam.

To our favourite son!

Yes, the favourite son!

To our favourite son.

Urgh!

Urgh!

There you go.

Oh, thanks.

What shall I do with this?

Oh, put that back in the bottle.

What?

Put it back in the bottle.

I'm not doing that. Just throw it away.

What are you doing?

It's a waste!

It costs like 1p!

Just go away.

God's sake!

Oh, get off!

Stop it, you two.

Oh, please. I hate that.

Sorry, Mum.

Just bloody stop it!

Sorry, Mum.

Mum?

How come you've got more pictures of Pissface than me?