United States of Tara

PREVIOUSLY ON "UNITED STATES OF TARA"...

LET'S GO HOME, TARA.

CHARMAINE, WE CAN'T.

HAPPY BY-SENNIAL, MIMI.

AND TO YOU, TOO, GIRLS.

WHO IS MIMI?

MAYBE A BABYSITTER.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT PART.

Lynda: WHO TOLD YOU TO PUT ALL THE LITTLE STONES ON IT?

HOW DO YOU KNOW SOMEONE TOLD ME?

YOU MAKE ART WITH ALL YOUR SELVES.

THIS HOUSE WOULD JUST MAKE A GREAT PLACE TO START A LIFE.

AN EVEN BETTER PLACE TO END ONE.

I GUESS YOU ALREADY KNOW WHO MIMI PARMETER IS, DON'T YOU?

I WANT TO TALK TO YOU SOMETIME

ABOUT MAYBE BUYING THIS PLACE FOR MY BABY.

THE BABY'S NOT NICK'S. IT'S NEIL'S.

I WANT YOU TO GET HIM TO SIGN SOMETHING

SAYING HE'S NEVER GONNA COME BACK AND TRY TO BE A FATHER TO OUR KID.

THE PAPERS THAT PROMISE

I'D STAY OUT OF OUR DAUGHTER'S LIFE.

I'M YOUR PRINCESS VALHALLA HAWKWIND,

AND YOUR WISH IS MY ULTIMATE COMMAND.

Would you ever meet in person?

THIS REALLY IS A -- A TEENAGER'S ROOM.

I HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE.

BEING GAY IS LIKE LIVING IN A BUFFET.

LET'S TAKE A WALK.

AND PEOPLE SAY ROMANCE IS DEAD.

LAST NIGHT, I STOPPED AT CAT FIVE'S FOR A BEER.

YOU HAD A THING WITH PAMMY?

HUGE MISTAKE.

BUT I ALSO FORGIVE YOU.

YOU FUCKED MY PAMMY!

YOU DO NOT GET AWAY WITH THAT, MOTHERFUCKER!

BUCK! BUCK! T-TARA FORGAVE ME.

I AIN'T TARA.

* OPEN UP THE SKY

* THIS MESS IS GETTING HIGH

* IT'S WINDY, AND OUR FAMILY NEEDS A RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

* I KNOW WE'LL BE JUST FINE

* WHEN WE LEARN TO LOVE THE RIDE *

YOU LOOK LIKE HELL.

I FEEL LIKE HELL.

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?

BUCK BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

OW. YEAH.

KICKED ME RIGHT IN MY MARSHALL-MAKER.

I'M SO SORRY.

WHY?

PAMMY.

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS WERE GETTING CO-CONSCIOUS.

OHHHH.

WE ARE...SOMETIMES.

WELL, COULDN'T YOU HAVE AT LEAST TOLD HIM THAT I WAS FORGIVEN?

LIKE, LEFT A NOTE IN HIS BEER COZY?

OW!

WHOA.

WHOA.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GONNA DRIVE TO LAWRENCE TODAY -- TRY AND MEET MIMI.

WELL, I THINK I SHOULD COME.

NO. I'M GONNA ASK CHARMAINE.

BUT, HEY, JUST SO YOU KNOW,

EVEN THOUGH BUCK'S MAD, I MEANT WHAT I SAID

WHEN I SAID I FORGIVE YOU FOR WHAT HAPPENED.

UH, MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK CHAR

BEFORE YOU START GOING THROUGH ALL HER STUFF.

WOW. SHE LIKES ANIMAL PRINTS.

I'M JUST SHOPPIN' RIGHT NOW.

IF I SEE ANYTHING I WANT, THEN I'LL...

KATE PLUS 8 GOES ON A DATE.

I THOUGHT ZACH DUMPED YOU.

HE DID,

BUT THEN HE CALLED AND SAID HE COULDN'T EAT OR SLEEP

OR STOP THINKING ABOUT ME, SO I WIN.

WELL, WINNING IS THE GOAL.

MY MISTAKE WAS INVITING HIM INTO MY PERSONAL CHAMBRE.

I SHOULD HAVE REDECORATED AWAY ALL THE HIGH-SCHOOL SHIT.

ACTUALLY, YOUR MISTAKE

IS THAT YOUR ROOM IS STILL IN YOUR PARENTS' HOUSE.

WHERE LIONEL BE AT?

HAVEN'T SEEN HIM PRANCING AROUND HERE LATELY.

WELL... WE'RE NOT SPEAKING.

OR...HE'S IGNORING ME,

OR I-I DON'T KNOW.

FASCINATING.

YEAH, I THINK WE DECIDED

WE'RE JUST TWO TOTALLY DIFFERENT KINDS OF PEOPLE.

YOU KNOW, NO SHARED INTERESTS OR WHATEVER.

I'M HAVING A TOTAL REVELATION.

PLEASE. A-ANYTHING. I NEED HELP.

CLASSIC LITTLE BLACK DRESS.

IT'S WHAT EVERY WOMAN NEEDS.

MOM?

HI.

I'M HAVING A CRISIS.

GLAMOUR MAGAZINE SAYS EVERY WOMAN

MUST OWN A LITTLE BLACK DRESS.

IT'S A DO, MOM.

I CAN'T BE A DON'T WITH A LITTLE BLACK BAR OVER MY EYES.

OH.

WELL, I HAVE ONE, BUT IT'S SORT OF ALICE'S.

PASS.

I BET CHAR HAS ONE.

THERE IS ONE IN HER CLOSET, BUT IT HAS A WEIRD CRUST ON IT.

MAYBE IT'S DEODORANT.

IT'S ON THE HEM.

HEY, THANK YOU FOR GETTING MIMI'S ADDRESS FOR ME.

IT WAS EASY.

I HAVE SHARPENED MY PEOPLE-TRACKING SKILLS

PRETTY GOOD IN MY PREVIOUS POSITION.

UH...

I GUESS I...HOPE IT HELPS YOU.

GOING BACK THERE OR WHATEVER.

YEAH.

IS ZACH TAKING YOU OUT?

YEAH.

FANCY-PEOPLE FANCY LUNCHEON.

GOT IT.

IS THAT WHY YOU'RE DRESSING UP LIKE A WOMAN?

YEAH, I'M GONNA FLASH A LITTLE SIDE BOOB

OR SOMETHING.

DON'T FORGET TO BE YOURSELF.

HA, HA, AND HA, MOM.

I KNOW YOU FEEL BAD ABOUT...

DESERTING ME AT THE PARK, MARSHALL, AND IT'S TOTALLY OKAY.

I DON'T FEEL BAD.

YOU LEFT ME.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO GET OUT OF THERE

BEFORE I BECAME SOMEBODY'S WIFE.

IT'S MAN-SEX, NOT MATRIMONY.

"MAN-SEX"?

IS THAT...WHAT YOU DID?

YOU WENT ALL THE WAY WITH THAT GUY?

WELL, NOT THERE IN THE PARK.

BUT LATER... WHEN I WENT BACK TO HIS HOUSE.

WANT ALL THE DEETS?

NO.

THE SECOND I WALKED IN THE DOOR, HE KISSED ME.

THEN HE TOOK ME TO THE LIVING ROOM,

WHERE THERE WERE LIT CANDLES.

AND WE DRANK RED WINE

AND WATCHED THE SPECIAL FEATURES

FROM HIS "DAWSON'S CREEK" BOX SET.

STOP IT.

HE KISSED EACH ONE OF MY EYELIDS.

IT WAS AS CLOSE TO PERFECT AS I'VE EVER FELT.

WOW.

I'M HAPPY FOR YOU, I GUESS.

WHAT SMELLS SO GOOD? FEED ME.

LAWRENCE, KANSAS.

LAWRENCE, KANSAS.

IS MY TIARA TOO MIDWESTERN GLITZ PAGEANT?

4039 VERMONT STREET, LAWRENCE, KANSAS.

NO, SERIOUSLY, TALK ME DOWN.

DOES THIS SCREAM JONBENET?

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M HOLDING MIMI'S ADDRESS IN MY HAND.

THE INTERNET'S THE WORST THING TO HAPPEN TO FAMILY SECRETS

SINCE DNA TESTING.

DON'T MAKE ME GO ALONE.

I WON'T. I'LL GO WITH YOU.

BUT WHEREVER THIS GETS YOU WITH YOUR DISEASE,

PROMISE ME NOT ONE WORD

TO MOM AND DAD TILL MONDAY MORNING,

WHILE I AM DEALING NICK HIS BRIDAL-SUITE BLOWJOB.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO HUSTLE OUT OF HERE.

NEIL'S ABOUT TO STOP BY.

WHAT DOES HE WANT?

DIDN'T SAY.

WELL, HE KNOWS ABOUT THE WEDDING BEING TOMORROW AND ALL THAT?

YEAH, HE KNOWS ALL ABOUT ALL THAT.

OKAY.

I'M MAKING THE RIGHT CHOICE, RIGHT?

DON'T ASK ME THAT.

NEIL'S A GOOD FRIEND OF MINE. I'M BIASED IN HIS FAVOR.

YOU THINK I SHOULD BE MARRYING NEIL.

OHHH.

I THINK I MEANT THE OPPOSITE OF THAT.

HEY.

WE READY? WE READY.

MIMI PARMETER, THIS IS YOUR LIFE.

YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT ME TO COME?

NAH. YOU KNOW, IT'S A SISTER THING.

THINK OF IT AS MY BACHELORETTE PARTY.

EXCEPT INSTEAD OF STUFFING DOLLAR BILLS

IN SOME GUY'S G-STRING,

WE'LL BE EXPLORING THE DEEP ROOTS OF MY MENTAL ILLNESS.

IS THAT MUCH FUN EVEN LEGAL?

SERIOUSLY, MAX, STAY HERE.

HELP NICK AND THE KIDS WITH THE YARD.

THERE'S A LOT OF WORK TO DO. OKAY.

DRIVE SAFE.

YEAH.

GONNA HAVE MY CELLPHONE ON ALL DAY.

YOU CALL ME IF YOU NEED ANYTHING.