Vice Principals

There's a full-on revolt coming.

You're a loser who commands no respect whatsoever.

I respect him.

This school has had worse.

You need to bring a hot date.

Show Snodgrass you're over it.

I have a master plan.

Think you should just keep searching around

for a publisher that's more suitable.

- One that has a full head of hair. - Oh!

- What has gotten into you? Hey guys...

In college, when Kevin and I were dating,

you said he was gay.

Stop making up lies.

Don't... - (SCREAMS)

D'you like my little present?

I roofied in his drink.

You wanna go back to my place?

Yep.

Why are you alone? Where's Russell?

Couldn't make it.

I think he had to work on his marriage.

What the fuck? Russell's supposed to be here!

I always show up for his shit.

I'm getting sick and tired of him being so goddamn selfish.

Well, I've been doing some digging on my own,

and I think I might have cracked the case.

Statistics show the prep is usually

someone who's close to you.

Perhaps someone you were romantically involved with.

My guess: It's your ex-wife Gale.

Yeah.

Jesus Christ! Look...

I know you've expressed an interest in helping me solve my case,

and I have indulged that, but this is hopeless.

Come on, boss, no. We can solve this case.

Case is closed. Russell doesn't even show up anymore.

What the fuck, Gamby?

We were just hanging out. We're just friends.

Uh, none of my business, boss.

You're goddamn right, Nash. Okay, zip your lips.

You didn't see a goddamn thing here.

Hey, Nash, you know what you saw.

We're in love.

No, we're not.

Could I have a biscuit, please?

Babydoll, this is no way for a married couple to live.

- I agree. - Well, if you agree,

then why aren't you following the therapist's advice?

We're supposed to be communicating.

Dr. Portino also said

that we should be practicing unconditional honesty.

Fine. Honesty Check.

These scrambled eggs are hard as hell, and they taste wretched.

See? Honesty is not always the best policy.

Nope. It is the best policy. Always.

I can keep going.

Honesty check.

I still have anger towards you.

In fact, I cursed your name earlier

when I was masturbating in the shower and secretly hoped

that we wouldn't have to see each other this morning.

Okay. My turn.

Honesty check. Let's go. Bring it on.

I didn't want to see you either.

I stayed in the shower hoping you'd be gone by the time I got out.

Look at us.

Just a couple of honest Abes

working it the fuck out.

See? It's better to tell the truth,

even if it is uncomfortable sometimes.

Can I be honest with Mi-Cha, too?

You should be honest with everyone.

Mi-Cha, you look like death warmed over.

Every time I look at you, I lose my fucking appetite.

Goddamn!

Woo! That felt good!

This is what we should have been doing all along.

You know what else? I honestly want to cook you dinner tonight.

Would you let me do that?

Since when do you cook?

I learned from one of the best, Betty Crocker.

Honesty check.

Okay. Sure. It's a date.

A date.

- Date? - You can be there

too because I love you.

Gamby: And I just want to thank everyone who donated their time.

It was really appreciated.

Now, thanks to you,

the 4H Club's future is so bright...

they gotta wear shades.

Thank you. You guys have been great. Thank you.

Woo! Yeah!

You'll have to forgive Gamby.

I think he might have hit his head.

He thinks he's in a comedy club in Greenwich Village.

You know, like, uh, like Whoopi Goldberg?

Something like that?

You know who I'm talking about.

So, uh, anyway,

it's that time of year again,

for the High School Assessment Program.

And you know what that means.

The students get to take a test that doesn't really matter.

Oh, oh, really. That gets a laugh? Okay, whatever.

Uh, no, Regina, actually,

how the kids score on the HSAPs

affects our funding for the year, so it means a lot.

Now I'm gonna need some of you to volunteer to be proctors for the test.

Shouldn't tests be about learning?

It is, Mr. Milner.

It's about the district learning what an effective school we are

and what an awesome fucking principal I am.

- (blows raspberry) - (laughing)

What the fuck?

Hey, man, why you trying to throw shade?

Ain't nobody throwing shade.

Why don't you continue with your story.

You're acting like a dictator, Russell.

Shove it up your tight little ass, Martin!

Just for that, you know what you are?

You're a goddamn proctor now.

Say something else. Come on, say it.

I'll outlaw fucking scarves in this school.

Now the HSAPs are coming,

and we're gonna prep for 'em like our life depended on it.

Dismissed.

Except for you.

What the fuck?

How dare you undermine me

to score points with these teachers.

How dare you stand me up

when you're supposed to be helping with my investigation.

I told you, I have more important things going on in my life

than your stupid fucking case!

Uh... Say again?

That came out wrong, Gamby. I didn't mean that.

I think that came out exactly how you wanted it to,

and I don't appreciate it.

Smooth move, Ex-Lax.

Smell you later.

Gamby. Gamby...

So then the guy licks his finger,

gets a weird look on his face,

then looks at the girl and says,

"Sweetheart, that ain't marinara sauce."

Oh, nasty.

You are so good at joke-telling,

it's not even funny.

I mean, it is funny, obviously.

- Super funny. - So, Gamby,

you're still up for payday drinks this week, right?

Oh, I wouldn't miss it.

You'll up the fun quotient by double digits, at least.

Well, I hope to.

But no marinara sauce.

You guys have been a wonderful audience,

but somebody here's got to work.

I'm out.

Enjoy the rest of your day, teachers.

- See you so soon. - Yeah,

you will.

- Did you guys hear that? - What?

I said, I'll see you soon, he was like, "Yeah, you will."

I think he likes you...

Duh.

Dayshawn, Dayshawn, Dayshawn.

Damn, Mr. Gamby.

I see you over there straight chilling with the teachers, huh?

Oh yeah.

I recall the time your ass was afraid to even sit over there.

Pssh. So true.

I can hardly believe it myself, huh.

I'm actually becoming popular.

Tell you what, man, I'm fucking impressed.

You know, I got to make sure I don't forget who I really am.

But it's so crazy.

Yeah, you don't want to get too cocky.

- Got to be real. - Yeah.

- You see those kids over there? - Yeah.

That used to be me.

A nerd. A nobody.

Bottom of the barrel.

But now, I think I'm more like those guys.

Oh, you more like Aiden Miller and them cool motherfuckers?

That's who you think you are?

That's who I know I am.

- All right. - I'm a tastemaker.

An alpha, Dayshawn.

When I say something, people listen.

When I crack a joke, people laugh.

It's like night and day, buddy.

That's fucking beautiful, man.

Congratulations, Mr. Gamby.

You thinking about sticking with that haircut?

Yeah. Why would I change my hair?

I just thought with you being a tastemaker now,

you might want to switch to something a little more dope, man,

instead of that Mike Ditka, Happy Days shit you got going on.