M*A*S*H

One.

Can you believe this guy?

He asks for one.

Will you just deal?

Ten dollars.

Man's luck is not to be believed.

Nothing worse than a sore winner.

Luck?

My openers.

Luck has nothing to do with it.

I win all the time because my heart is pure.

Right, Frank?

You're a vice‐ridden degenerate, Pierce.

I think you even have a heart.

Ooh, Frank, for a doctor,

that's a very serious diagnosis.

Now, now, we all know how competent and dedicated

Frank is.

That's why he and Hot Lips spend every night together

in the examination room.

It so happens that Major Houlihan and I

are studying the treatment of cardiac arrests.

I wouldn't mind making a cardiac arrest on Hot Lips.

Her name is Margaret.

Oh, $24.50, Ho‐Jon.

What's the total?

Uh, $309.68, Hawkeye.

Let's keep those nickels and dimes coming, gang.

You keep that up,

And I'm gonna put your tongue in traction.

How did you two ever become doctors?

Why did you become a doctor, Major?

To meet girls.

It was the wish of my dear mother,

the guiding force of my life, who...

The frame.

My sterling silver frame!

Take it easy, Frank.

You stole her frame, you...

Guys!

You've done some terrible things before,

but this is the worst!

You're fiends!

‐Margaret, I‐‐ ‐(groaning)

‐You look awful! ‐Oh, no. Don't look.

Oh, Frank, what do you want?

My mother's silver frame is gone.

Well, I didn't take it.

Well, I'm not accusing you, but it's gone!

You know how much my mother means to me.

Oh, Frank, it's only a frame.

Well it's the principle.

I feel... violated. My own mother's picture.

To think those animals even laid their hands on it.

Would you hand me my brushes?

Well I don't think spanking them will do any good.

No, Frank, I'm gonna brush my hair.

100 strokes, every night.

Well, it's getting late. I might just stay for 50.

‐Frank, my brushes? ‐Well, where are they?

On the night table where I always keep them.

My brushes!

Where are they? Where are my brushes?

Margaret, control yourself!

They're gone! Somebody took them!

Margaret, they're only brushes!

Oh, my‐‐ No, they're not!

My father gave those to me!

‐Leslie? ‐Yes?

Oh! Oh, is it mine?

Oh, Henry!

That's the fish you caught last week.

Your very first.

And you had it stuffed just for me.

That's not all.

As a little token of my admiration...

I sent to, uh, Tokyo for this.

Oh, Henry!

Oh, it's not?

It certainly is.

A Sato Tanaka double‐cammed reel

with jeweled escarpment.

Well, I can hardly wait to show the girls.

‐Open it. ‐Oh, yes!

‐Henry? ‐It's gone!

I've got post‐op duty, Captain.

Not for 26 minutes, you don't.

I'll check my alarm watch.

Hmm. Must have left it in the tent.

Well, we'll make our own clock.

First you put the big hand here,

and then the little hand there.

You're running a little fast.

‐Hey. ‐What a day.

I sawed up enough people to make a crazy quilt.

Have you seen my watch?

It's Tuesday. It's 1951. What more do you have to know?

Well, I'd like to find my watch.

Ho‐Jon, the elixir of life!

Drinks for me and my men, and water for our horses.

Oh, where is it? There it is.

Oh.

Ah, the symphony begins.

The sultry saxophone splashes of melody.

A subtle drumbrush for counterpoint.

The plucking of cool harp strings.

And now...

The silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.

And now, the silver vibes of the gentle swizzle stick.

‐Ho‐Jon? ‐"Stizzle swick" not here.

Who stole my "stizzle swick"?

If everybody'll keep it down,

we're trying to talk!

‐Radar? ‐Ten‐hut!

Call everyone to attention. At ease, men.

Uh, everyone, uh, be seated.

I assume you all read my notice concerning

our recent crime wave.

I would have read it, but the notice was stolen.

I'm talking about the rash of thefts

that have plagued our camp.

‐Our plague has a rash. ‐That's the worst kind.

As it stated, uh, in the interest of morale

and unity, the, uh‐‐

‐Pass the salt? ‐Yes, of course.

The, uh, guilty party need only return

the stolen articles by 1900 hours,

uh, tonight.

Well, it is, uh, now 1900 hours minus 30 seconds.

The lights will, uh, now be turned off.

‐Thank you, Radar. ‐(groaning)

And the aforementioned guilty party

may now return the things.

Trapper, stop that!

Stop what? I'm over here!

Oh, I'm sorry, Father!

Oh, that's all right, my child.

You couldn't have known. Thank you.

You little devil.

What are you talking about?

Frank, you little devil!

Oh, you're disgusting.

Radar, is it 1900 hours?

I can't see the clock.

‐Then turn on the... ‐Hey, my bag is gone!

‐Mine, too! ‐Wait!

All right, now. Who took my spoon?

Somebody took my spoon!

I'm, uh, sorry to say this, folks,

but, uh, you have left me no alternative

but to conduct a tent‐by‐tent search,

which will start immediately

and continue until I unearth the guilty party

or parties, as the, uh, case or, uh, cases may be.

No one will be excluded from this grueling search.

I'm including myself, right down to my right hand,

Corporal O'Reilly.

Naturally, I regret any and all embarrassment

this may cause to whomsoever it does.

But, uh, you, that is to say,

the guilty one of you,

have left me no other way

but to leave no stones

or even shower unturned, uh, on.

At ease, men.

‐McIntyre? ‐Yeah?

‐What's in here? ‐Soot, sir.

‐Soot? ‐Yep.

I'll be the judge of that.

‐Pierce? ‐Yes?

Whose is this?

I'll give you three guesses.

Open it.

Open it!

Oh, Henry, don't be ridiculous.

Well, if you want my opinion, this whole...

This whole thing is not only a complete...

a complete waste of time, it's also an insult

to the intelligence of everybody...

Why don't we have a drink?

Henry, this is crazy.Actually, it's past crazy.

It's taken a left turn into ludicrous!

Look, if you will just tell me what the joke is,

then we can let things get back to abnormal around here.

Joke? You‐‐

I don't have that bizarre a sense of humor!

Oh, now weren't you the one who sent General Barker

the brownies with the laxative filling?

The court‐martial forms, Colonel.

Court‐martial? Wait a minute.

What is this?

You trying to beat the four‐minute frame?

Speaking of which,

this goes right back around my mother.

That is Exhibit A, Frank.

And you go into the stockade.

Yes siree, Bob! Right into the clink!

You tell him, Frank.

You know, I've never hit a woman.