No Tomorrow

I'm Xavier, with an "X". Your life is so much fun.

Got to live life while I can. What does that mean?

Humankind only has eight months and 12 days left on Earth.

You're serious. Yeah, the apocalypse is, um, nigh.

This is my apocalyst.

This is every last thing I want to do

before things go kaput.

You in?

Previously on No Tomorrow...

How about number three, talk to Dad?

No. Okay, not ready for that one.

Yet.

Ten grand cash on delivery.

Dude, I don't have that; put my life on plastic.

Francis "Fern" Fernberger.

Cute.

I broke up with my Internet girlfriend.

May I have this dance?

That'll be $245.

Look what I found.

Oh, my God, it's hideous.

I know.

We'll take it.

Come on. Yeah.

Ow, my arm. Oh, okay.

She hit and a miss.

Here are your old yearbooks,

and there's a couple more boxes for you in the car.

So are you guys like spring cleaning in the fall, or...?

Well, we're renting out our house

for a few months. Really? Why?

Oh, we're just being

proactive about finances.

Just at least until your dad's acting career takes off.

Big audition tomorrow, check it out.

From the boardroom to the bathroom,

I'm the kind of man who likes things to go smoothly.

FloMaFill.

For the man with high standards and low flow.

It's really good. Yeah.

Wait, where are you guys

gonna live when you're renting out your house?

Oh, well, we found a nice little artist's studio

near Pioneer Square.

Pioneer Square?

Near the blood bank and the adult bookstore?

It'll be an adventure.

It'll be like... like our first New Year's together.

Remember?

How we got snowed in at your Uncle Eddie's cabin?

All we had to eat were baked beans and hot dog buns.

Wow.

That sounds...

Awful. I mean, their new place

is an eighth-floor walk-up.

It has a Murphy bed.

Oh, cool.

Not cool. Oh, okay. Not cool.

It's still pretty cool.

Should I just let them stay with me?

I mean, I probably should, right?

I have "repay Mom and Dad" on my list.

You know, they raised me, they helped me pay

for college; I owe them something.

Whoa! What the fig?!

What... Whoa! What are you doing?

Well, I was burning a letter.

Why? Because I have

no intention of ever reading it.

It's from my father.

But... "talk to Dad" is on your list.

So is crash-land on a tropical island,

and survive on nothing but guile and wit,

but some things are more likely than others.

Don't destroy it; I mean, you might change your mind.

It's an unwanted intrusion.

To be honest, I don't even know

how he got my P.O. box number.

Well, now you sound paranoid.

Oh, my God, that remind me, I'm late for lunch with Hank.

Well, you two have gotten tight.

Could we get a couple of coffees?

A double-double and an espresso, please?

Yeah. Thank you.

Sorry. So, uh...

how are things with Deirdre?

Something's brewing. Is it?

Though, technically, that brew could get us both fired.

Well, I'm sure it's nothing you can't work around.

There it is again.

Hank, have you noticed

there's a black van with two guys in it over there?

Where? Dude, right over...

D-don't point, don't point.

J-just-just describe the van to me.

Um, just a black van with tinted windows.

Shh! They could be reading your lips.

Talk without moving them, talk like this.

It's, uh, it's a black van with tinted windows.

Okay, black man with scented Mentos. Got it.

There's... No. That's not what I...

How did you get that from what I was...

That's exactly what you just said.

You said... I said...

there's a black van with tinted windows,

and there are two guys staring

at the back of your head.

What kind of plates?

There are no plates.

No plates? No.

Oh, man. They found me. Who?

Government goons. What?

They've been following my Jade Helm chat room activity.

Oh, thanks.

Thank you.

I have to go

to the public restroom.

I'm gonna sneak out through the bushes.

Let me know if they tail me.

All right, yeah. Your credit card was declined.

Oh.

Uh, sorry-- here.

Uh, keep the... change. Thanks.

This is so exciting.

Yeah. It's just like old times.

Okay, yeah.

Bye. Bye, bye.

Why do you look so happy?

Because my parents are moving in with me.

Wow. That is sad on so many levels:

That it's happening, that you're excited about it.

Okay. Just the two levels.

Look, speaking of dreaded family time,

I need you to come with me to dinner

tomorrow night at my mom's.

My brother's trotting out his new fiancée.

Aw! You've never introduced me

to your family before.

This is so special.

We're going to the next rung

on the friendship ladder.

Okay. Now what I need for you to do,

is find a way to take all those words,

and put them back in your mouth, because I find them nauseating.

Okay, that was worse.

Look, I'm not inviting you

as some sort of friendship-deepening gesture.

I just need backup to get through

the excruciating ritual of meeting

one of Rohan's basic bitches.

The last one was a professional shopper

with a Maltipoo named Chanel.

Maltipoo's are the cutest.

Like little puffy clouds with faces.

Just wanted to remind you

of your 3:00 conference call, and, uh,

can you sign these papers for me?

You want me to transfer you to a new desk.

I feel I've reached my maximum potential

as your assistant, and I'd like to move on.

If you're planning on suing me for sexual harassment,

you should know this is not my first rodeo.

You're messing with the wrong cowgirl, Hank.

I could...

No, no, no, no. I figured that

if I was at another desk, you and I could...

develop a different dynamic in our relationship.

And when would you care

to commence this new chapter?

I thought...

dinner tomorrow night.

I can't wait to experience

our combustible chemistry outside the office.

Thanks, again for your generosity.

We promise to pitch in and not be a bother.

Yep, that's right. In fact, you know what?

I'm gonna make dinner tonight.

I hope you gals like ramen.

I got ten packets for ten bucks.

Keepin' it thrifty.

Oh, Mom, let me help.

Oh!

Oh, dang it.

Oh, no.

My aromatherapy diffuser.

Mom, that's okay.

You can get those at Chatchke Palace

for, like, ten dollars.

It's not the diffusor.

It's just this whole situation.

I mean, your dad made this huge decision to quit his job,

without even consulting me.

And now everything just feels so shaky.

Have you told Dad how you feel? No.

I can't. His aura is burning brighter

than it has in years.

It's yellow, Evie; yellow.

Wow.

But, Mom, if this is causing you stress...

Then... I just need to breathe through it.