Psychoville

This programme contains some strong language.

Oh, great! LAUGHTER

Be careful!

SCREAMS ECHO

VOICES ECHO

DOOR CREAKS

< Come along!

DOOR OPENS

Put them on my desk.

The problem with Halloween these days,

is that people treat it like Christmas.

It's lost its true meaning. For instance,

do you know the real reason that you're wearing a mask?

Because you said my breath smelt?

Well, yes, it does.

But the real reason we don masks at Halloween is to ward off evil spirits.

It's the one night of the year when the divide between the living and the dead is at its thinnest.

Wearing a mask disguises us as dark spirits, and thus we avoid harm.

Where's your mask then?

Oh, I don't need one.

PHONE RINGS

Yes?

Good.

The trick-or-treaters have arrived.

Let's go and offer them a special Halloween muffin, shall we?

It's important to keep up these old traditions.

Oh! I nearly forgot to set the alarm.

< Trick or treat!

< Oh, how marvellous! Let's have a look at you!

< I suppose you all want a treat?

N-No.

Sorry.

ALARM RINGS

Right. So here we are...

round the back of the building.

Er...there's a door there.

I'll get some shots round the, er...

front later on and get a sense of the scale there.

Argh!

Sorry I'm late.

That's OK, I've only just got here myself. Drew, isn't it? Yeah.

Phil Walker, Goldfish Bowl Productions. Although I was involved in that.

We spoke on the phone? That's right, yeah. Thanks for getting in touch.

We've been looking everywhere for a spooky location and we've had no luck. We've even been to Stoke.

Well, I think this place might be just what you need.

It certainly looks it from what I've seen so far.

You wait till we get inside.

Health and Safety would have a field day with this.

So you want to use it for a Most Haunted, is that right?

Oh, no, you said the M word! No, this is a totally different idea.

We've got a team of psychics investigating haunted houses,

and we're going to film them with night-vision cameras

so they're totally in the dark but the audience can see everything. OK.

So how is that different to Most Haunted?

Well, I haven't seen that show so I don't know if it's similar or not.

But the big difference is, of course, we've got Dale. Winton? Yep.

He's sick of the balls, he wants to get back to something edgier, like his early stuff.

What, like Supermarket Sweep? Exactly.

So the plan is I get some shots tonight, you give me a bit of a tour. I take it all back to the director.

If he likes it, it could end up on Dale's Overnight Ghost Hunts.

Catchy title. Do you think? I'm not sure about it.

If the place is featured, you get 250 quid and a credit on the end roll.

I don't care about all that.

It's just...

when I saw your advert,

I knew I had to get in touch.

I grew up opposite this place.

It's a massive part of my life.

But there's such horrible memories too.

That's what Dale says about Pets Win Prizes.

I told you I met the Governess who ran the place. When you were a kid.

Well...

..this is where I met her.

No. Get... Stop it! Get off me.

Put me down!

All right, Mitchell, let him go.

Do you have a name, child?

Drew. Drew.

Well, thanks to you, I've had to reset my alarm.

What were you doing creeping around in my office?

Answer me, child, or I'll attach you to Goldilocks here and set you both off screaming.

It was just a dare. For Halloween.

I had to take something.

Did you indeed?

Empty your pockets. Now!

Who do you think you are?

Creeping in here and taking private property.

Do you know what this is worth?

Or what the consequences would be should it be lost or stolen?

I'm sorry.

I didn't think. No. People rarely do.

Sit down.

I'm going to tell you something about stealing.

And about consequences.

Something to make you think twice before contemplating such an action again.

And I don't tell you this story in the hope of frightening you...

..but I'm afraid it probably will.

It was Halloween, just like tonight,

and a man who didn't think about his actions

was soon to be taught a terrible lesson.

Nice costume.

It's not a costume! These are me work clothes.

It's Halloween every day for some people, pal! Idiot.

Look at that.

What a waste.

I'll have that when I get in.

DOORBELL RINGS

Trick or treat!

Oh, you look scary!

How old are you? We're both seven.

And can you read yet?

What does that say then?

Shall I read it for you?

No tricks. No treats.

Where's your mother? Is she hiding in the bushes?

Oh, yeah, so you send your kids out to do your dirty work for you?

They should be in bed. And she shouldn't be having any chocolate by the size of her. Piglet!

What are you supposed to be anyway, green elephants?

Don't you have any treats for us?

Don't push your luck, kid, I've drowned bigger cats than you.

Sorry about that. What time can you come round?

Well, let me have a think. I was going to have me tea now so it's not laying too heavy on my stomach.

Then I was going to watch Exorcist 1 and Exorcist 3.

I don't bother with Exorcist 2, it's shit.

Then I'll probably do the pots, just beans on toast, that's just a pan and a plate.

I think I'll be ready for you by about midnight, the witching hour!

And how much are we looking at?

80 quid!

Yeah, go on then, I'll treat myself.

Perfect.

DOORBELL RINGS Trick or treat! Trick or treat!

Go on, say it, then.

How old are you?

Can you not read?

Where's your mother?

Sod you then.

Look, I'm not giving you things just because you've turned up at me house with masks on.

I work hard to earn money to buy treats for myself.

All this tick or treat, penny for the guy, Cancer Research...

I don't do any of it. Go and beg somewhere else.

Are you deaf as well as stupid? I'm not involved in this night.

Me no likey.

Are you even doing trick or treat?

You're weird. All right, trick then. Piss off.

That doesn't mean shoving dog shit through my...

'And so he settles in for a night of unalloyed male pleasure.

'A potent mixture of horror films, junk food and a visit

'from a certain lady of the night and I don't mean Florence Nightingale.

'In short, it was all treats, and no tricks.'

Eh? I don't believe this. Where's the other one?

The Wiggles! Worse than Exorcist 2.

Must have put them in the wrong boxes.

Some five-year-old's going to be shitting themselves tonight.

CRUNCHING

Argh! ..Bloody little bastards!

Hello?

Hello, yes, I want to make a complaint.

You want to make a complaint? Yeah, I've got kids here tormenting me.

Tormenting you? They put a rat in me Pringles and a load of beetles in my chocolate.

Beetles in your chocolate? Yes! What are you going to do about it?

What are you going to do about it?

Why are you repeating everything I say? Everything you say?

Who is this? Who is this?

Who is this?

Trick or treat.

HAMMERING AT DOOR

Boo! Aargh!

Sorry about that! I'm Janet.

Busty Janet?

Well, what do you think?

It's nearly midnight and I've brought some pumpkins for you to play with.

You're my last trick of the night.

You're my biggest treat.

So how many different attachments have you got then? 16.

Oh! Better than a Dyson.

Yeah, speaking of Dyson's, when are you going to start...?

All right, give us a chance, I've not even taken me coat off yet!

Sorry, sorry, it's just been a weird night. How come?

Never mind. So it says on your card you cater for all disabilities? Yeah, that's right.

They're much more appreciative than most punters.

And they do all the work for me, especially the epileptics.

I have a chap in Chorlton-cum-Hardy gets me to wee on him once a fortnight.

I don't think he gets off on it, it just helps with his psoriasis.

Now then, let's get them trousers off, and get you latched on.

GRUNTING

Careful!

Ow, you're biting me.

Oh, it's too much! Ow!

You're scratching me! What are you doing?

What's the matter, don't you like it?

Trick or treat!

I told you I haven't got any treats!

What's that in your pocket then?

Maisie, come on.

I've got to go now. Be careful, mister, it's dangerous on this road.

Some children died.

I'm putting it back.

All right?

I'm sorry.

I didn't realise.