13 demons. (13 Demons)

State your name.

State your name.

Torkul of Darkhaven.

Address?

- You may address me as Abelsworth.

Lord of the high wind.

- Is that also known as 1205 Washington Lane?

Surely you jest.

The realm of Darkhaven, where we all reside.

Do you take drugs?

- If you're trying with your evil tricks

it will not work with me, sir.

- Come on man, we're not gonna bust you for that.

You're not here for that.

Do you take drugs?

- Golden paladin needs no mind-altering substances

to complete his quest.

- Do you take prescription medications of any kind?

I am not any of the clerics.

Mystical winds.

Do you drink?

- Of course not, not when my quest is still underway.

What is your mission?

- To rid the realm of the 13 demons of the apocalypse.

May I go now?

- I am golden paladin of the knight's order

of the high wind.

Once I have completed their destruction and annihilation,

I will have freed the realm,

and I will have brought peace to all man kind.

Why 13?

- It's a sacred number written down in the tomes.

It's taught through all of time.

- You know that we've had 12 murders in the last month?

I do not care about murders.

If they are but of the quest, they matter.

- And this is all part of your mission?

Yes, I must complete my quest.

- So when you say demons, you mean humans?

I've grown tired.

I've grown tired of your questioning.

The demons are the ones that have held us back.

- As foretold in the tomes to bring forth

the end of everything is...

what did you kill them with?

- I killed them with the anointed dagger of Bastooge.

You mean this?

A stick.

My weapon, you have it.

May I have it back, please?

Sacred scimitar of Azcarden.

Is this it?

A pipe.

A pipe, you fool?

Your eyes look upon a sacred relic all time

and you see a simple pipe?

- Please, I can see you are a noble man,

I can see that in your eye.

Please give me my weapon.

I am on a divine quest.

No.

- This the kind of men you have in your kingdom?

- I understand little of this inquiry.

Little of your advantages towards me.

Why will you not release me from this elven dungeon?

Recognize this fella?

November 15.

Killed Dickie Collins.

Yes.

He was the one who welcomed us to this realm.

He set this all into motion.

- He was the Shepherd of the high wind.

He brought us in.

- Before the prophecy, as foretold in the tomes.

- He showed us the ways to kill the demonic citadels.

Why?

Why?

Challenge accepted.

Hey guys.

Hey, you'll never guess what.

You'll never guess.

Shit, dude, I'm sorry man.

Look, no, no, no. - God damn it, dude.

Challenge accepted.

- God damn it, man, I've been playin' Bridges and

fuckin' knights for 12 hours.

God damn it, dude, fuck!

Listen, listen.

- You know how pristine I keep my set.

- All right, what is so god damn important

you gotta come in here kickin' shit?

I'm right in the middle of gettin' to the reaper here,

I've never gotten that far,

this is dragon lair, for god's sake,

you know what this shit is like, come on!

This is better.

What the hell is this, dude?

13 demons.

I mean, you remember?

You don't remember, the game, the game,

30 years ago it was banned.

People who played it, they got so obsessed with it

they started killin' other people and shit.

They actually thought that they were these characters

in the game.

It was like dark ages, man.

I mean, they threw it all on the streets, man.

They burned 'em and shit.

You don't remember this?

- I mean, rest assured, if it was worth remembering,

I would remember it, but I don't remember it.

- They don't even fuckin' spell demons right.

- This is fucking rare, man, this is huge!

I mean, check it out.

This smells, man.

It's got a castle.

Where did you get it?

Argon's, argon's.

Old man argon, you know,

his bookstore's goin' out of business.

You know Janet, you know, the senile, his wife, you know?

Oh.

- Isn't she like the one with the wizard sleeve

and all that?

- Dude, she sold it to me for like two bucks,

she doesn't know anything

about the dark origin of this game.

I can't even believe that old man argon even had this.

13 demons, dude.

I mean.

I mean, it sounds like a throw back metal hair band

from 1984.

This is die cast.

This shit's quality.

Yeah, and where's the shoe?

- Take a look at this crap now, man.

Look, it's heavy.

Ooh.

There was much rejoicing, yay!

I don't know, man.

Dude, let me see that, man.

What else is in there?

Smells old.

Looks old.

Looks dumb.

And it's all moldy, it's not.

It's not even that old, dude.

Nah.

Does it say made in Taiwan?

Oh.

That's some Jumanji shit.

- God damn. - Ugh.

Oh, what is that shit?

It's the rule book.

That's the rule book?

You wanna play?

Um.

I think there's.

Wait a minute, hold on.

- Do you even know where we start from?

- Well yeah, yeah, you can start on any of the, um.

Uh, any of the, eh.

Wait no, wait hold on one second.

Like reading this stuff, it's like reading Beowulf,

you know, I mean.

Okay, so we are, we're golden paladins,

we can start at any corner in our realm.

These are the realms.

- Yes, every four corner, that's a realm.

So when we kill all of our demons in our realm,

we can meet in the middle,

but we cannot enter the citadel yet

where the king is imprisoned.

See, I mean, it's a lot easier if we're playin' with four.

- So where do we start from, though?

- You can start anywhere here, I believe,

it's the closest gray block from any corner,

you can pick, but it has to be in your own domain.

- So we put these little army men dude

on the triangle?

These are forests.

- Well, what's up with the triangles, then?

- Well, you can't go through 'em.

- Why can't we go through the forest?

- I don't now, it's just like every game board,

they have to make it more entertaining and stuff.

You know, it's like why are there little Bridges here?

It's just to make it more pleasurable, I guess.

So you go there, actually, no you go right there

because you cannot be right next to those red things.

So what are the reds, then?

Those are the demon bases.

Demon base.

I heard some demon bass on a track the other day.

It was sweet.

I don't like this, though.

That was more interesting, that.

- So, first off, we kill each of those 13 demons

outside of any of the other lollygagging that we do

through these events, through the valley of whatever,