The Guest Book

Hey, man.

- What? - That show about the cabin in

the woods is on again tonight. It's a different story every week,

but I think some of the people in the town are in every episode.

So, there's an older couple who rents the cabin,

and there's a guy next door who has a kid.

Plus, there's a stripper who tapes dudes

and blackmails them with the help of her stepson.

Although last episode, that dude got locked in his own trunk.

- Anyway, you should check it out. - Yeah, I don't know.

I didn't really like the last show you recommended.

The Grammys?

- Yeah. Too much music. -

- Jill. - Father.

Do I have you to thank for this bounty?

I didn't want you to get hungry.

It's gonna be a long one.

Our son, Ethan, was coming to

- town with his fiancée. -

And as I've told you before,

as long as his fiancée refuses to enter the house of the Lord,

she's not welcome in mine, either.

So, Jeff and I rented a cabin in the mountains.

- Did you find a good church yet? - No, Mom.

Just because Lynn's an atheist doesn't mean

you can't spend a little time away from each other

on a Sunday morning.

You're gonna be separated in the afterlife.

- Might as well practice. -

- How's work, Mom? - Oh, you know.

Work is work.

Somebody brought in a constipated ferret last week.

Have you ever seen a ferret in real life?

Looks like an eel wearing a toupée.

I don't even think it's legal to have them as pets.

I wanted to call the police.

But Dr. Griffin disagreed.

So I just did my job and lubed up his little pinky

so he could shove it up that dirty little varmint's

impacted anus.

- - Ah!

- Sorry. I hit a bug. -

- - I can't drive with guts

on the windshield.

Ohh. Would you look at that?

Every little girl driving down this highway must think

the only way she can get her dream car

is to shake her bosoms at horny truckers.

It's him.

Where the hell are you?

- I'm locked in the trunk of my car. - How did that happen?!

Because I'm not cut out for this kind of thing!

When are you gonna get that through your skull?

You better watch your volume, dickhead.

When that train killed your daddy,

I could've thrown your crying, 15-year-old ass out,

but instead I gave you a job and kept a roof over your head

for the last seven years.

Now, you show me another stepmom that would do that

for her adopted black son, and don't you say Sandra Bullock,

'cause I know your slow ass ain't protecting nobody's blind side.

Now, you just sit tight, and I'll come get you when we close.

You want cash or a handie?

I'll take the cash.

I feel you tend to rush things when we barter.

- - _

_

Hello.

Oh, hi.

We're here to pick up the keys for Froggy Cottage.

Oh, of course.

Let me, uh...

Let me find your reservations.

Are you sure you want to go through with this?

We could go to jail, you know.

Don't get soft on me now, Jeff.

We've got some heavy lifting for the Lord to do.

Our son is not marrying an atheist.

Okey doke.

This is nice, right?

What do you reckon this thing's supposed to be?

Did you talk to your mother

about letting us stay in the same room this time?

I'll get those for you.

- It would just be easier... - You're a pussy. You know that?

I know. I never said I wasn't a pussy.

Jeff, it's time.

Okay. Let's do this.

So, what exactly

was in this syringe

you stuck into your son's fiancée's leg?

Propofol.

As a veterinary nurse, I have access

to some very powerful sedatives.

The trick is figuring out how much to use,

so I just tripled the dose we gave a cocker spaniel

who had a hysterectomy.

Can you believe that's what she sleeps in?

Talk about skimpy. Looks like something Farrah Fawcett

would wear on her honeymoon. Just look at those nipples.

Don't actually look, Jeff. That's an expression.

Oh, sorry, I-I couldn't tell from your inflection.

I mean, goodness gracious, what's wrong with a proper pair

of old-fashioned, tasteful PJ's?

What, has that girl never heard of Lands' End?

- - I-I know. Times change.

This is why I want a normal job.

I could go back to school. Do you remember that commercial we saw?

If you say the words "air-conditioning repair"

to me again, I swear to God I will stab you with a fork.

Jeff and I had already

prepared the hot tub area

for Lynn's baptism.

We had lit some candles we

had brought from the church...

... and I changed Lynn into a more tasteful outfit

as Jeff averted his eyes.

The whole ceremony only takes about 10 minutes.

Jeff dunked her under water about four times,

holding her nose to make sure she didn't drown.

I dried her off the best I could

and put her back into her nightgown...

If you can call it that.

Some lunatic wrote a filthy story in the guest book

about women and feet.

I can't imagine how crowded Hell must be these days.

- Good morning. - Good morning!

- How'd you sleep? - Great.

Must be the mountain air. I feel amazing.

Lynn can blame it on the mountain air all she wants,

but I knew why she felt the way she did.

It was the first time she woke up with the Lord in her soul.

And because of that, we all started to get along.

But I'm not saying definitively that there is no God.

I mean, how could I? My doubt of a higher being

is based on the absence of proof.

So, there's an argument to be made that without

tangible proof that there is no God,

I can't logically rule it out.

I was feeling so good

about the change that was happening in Lynn

that I got brave enough to take a little gamble.

Lynn, listen.

I know you have your beliefs, and I totally respect that.

But I bought something for you

before I knew about the whole atheist thing,

and I've been holding onto it, which is really silly

because it's just a beautiful piece of jewelry.

Oh, my. Look at that. There's a little Jesus on there.

Well, that's one way of looking at it.

Or, it's just a pretty necklace

with a very fit, long-haired hippie on a cross.

It doesn't matter who you think it is. There's no denying

that the blue of his tears

really makes your eyes pop.

Thank you. I love it.

You're welcome.

Did you sleep with the window open?

Yeah, but the screen was shut.

Hey, have you guys gotten bitten by any bugs while we're here?

Lynn woke up with something weird on her leg.

- Oh, my. - Good Lord.

It's bad, right? I told you it was bad!

- Well, I don't know. No, no, no. It's not bad.

It's, um, just a bug bite.

Last time we were up here, I had something very similar.

It'll go away. It'll go away.

It'll... go away.

Dear Lord,

as I have told you repeatedly

throughout the day, we have a problem.

Lynn's leg is still red and inflamed

around the injection site.

Will you stop reading and get down on your knees?

I already prayed when you were in the bathroom shaving your calluses.

- Did you pray about Lynn's leg? - Yeah, mostly.

I chatted with him a little bit about my brother's problem,

but no, most of it was about the leg.

Your brother is a drunk who was fired from Krispy Kreme.

I can't have the Lord preoccupied

with that right now. Get on your knees.

I just started a chapter.

Get on your knees.