I Hate Suzie

‫"Any home should feel safe ‫and warm and supportive."

‫"EBG. Everything is home."

‫"Ok, can you try the top and bottom again, ‫but even warmer?"

‫Er yeah, sure.

‫It's just, yeah.

‫"Here at EBG,"

‫"we don't just take care of your phone,"

‫"now we provide your electricity, ‫heating and gas."

‫"EBG. Everything is home."

‫"Yeah. Have you got any more warm? ‫Like, er, like super warm?"

‫Yeah. I mean, I could try?

‫This is a bit like Toast of London ‫this, isn't it?

‫- "It's like what?" ‫- Toast.

‫- "What?" ‫- Toast.

‫- "Toast?" ‫- Toast, you don't worry about it.

‫- "It's, it's like toast?" ‫- "It's a television program."

‫"I don't have time ‫to watch television anymore."

‫"Oh shit, I forgot to call the school."

‫- "Can you just do one while I'm..." ‫- Yeah.

‫- "Ok, so..." ‫- I mean...

‫Am I really not warm enough? ‫I feel like I'm like porn panting.

‫I mean, is she for real? ‫Like, I am widely recognised for my warmth.

‫I mean, I have,

‫I've won National ‫Television Awards for my warmth.

‫- "You're sad." ‫- You know that.

‫I'm sad?

‫"There's a sadness in your voice."

‫Oh, sorry.

‫"Imagine you're a god. ‫It's always the same."

‫"The text is "Buy this", the subtext, ‫"And you're never going to die"."

‫- "Ok?" ‫- Ok.

‫- "Do one like that and we can go home." ‫- Ok.

‫- "Go." ‫- Ok.

‫Ready?

‫"Any home should feel safe ‫and warm and supportive."

‫"EBG. Everything's home."

‫"There you go. Good."

‫"EBG."

‫"Everything is home,"

‫"safe, warm, supportive."

‫- Good? ‫- "Good."

‫"When I was young, I would run ‫a voiceover in my own head."

‫"I don't know, maybe I'd watched ‫too much Wonder Years."

‫"But its comforting, a voiceover."

‫- Who's fucking touched it then? ‫- Well, it wasn't me!

‫- So I've moved it, have I? ‫- "Telling a story about yourself"

‫"Being the main character."

‫"The only way to stay sane, is to string ‫all the shit that happens in your life"

‫"together into a story you can live with."

‫"If you can talk about yourself ‫from the future,"

‫"you must've processed it, survived."

‫"Nothing can hurt you with a voiceover."

‫"And by imagining I was the main character, ‫I became one."

‫"Things did start happening.

‫- "I was special." ‫- "Daylight"

‫- "it leads me" ‫- Ok, lets go again.

‫- "back your way" ‫- 56, Take 3.

‫- "falling into my arms" ‫- "Everyone was looking at me."

‫"again."

‫"I'll say this"

‫"I miss you more"

‫"my friend"

‫"The photos are in the papers."

‫"Now I've finally lost my mind, ‫they can legally print me sucking a dick."

‫"Maybe they're right. Maybe I am insane."

‫"Maybe I'm a monster."

‫Everything just comes to you, doesn't it? ‫You want what you want when you want it

‫and if you don't get exactly that thing, ‫that's it! You lose your shit.

‫"Oh, you're going to, ‫are you going to film me?"

‫"Open the door mate! ‫Open the door! Ow!"

‫"Open. The. Door!"

‫"Oh, God, here's Naomi."

‫"She's going to talk and totally ignore ‫all the shit that happened between us."

‫- Hello. ‫- Can you believe they blurred the cock?

‫They pixelated his dick. ‫Dixellated. That's so...

‫it's like, you think that's offensive?

‫- "Here she goes." ‫- "It's a fucking scandal. They love it!"

‫"They're saying legally they can print it now ‫because you dragged it into the public arena"

‫"with that video of you shouting at that car."

‫I guess you want me to cancel ‫the hospital visit later? With the kid?

‫What? No, no, no, no, ‫we can't do that, what if he dies?

‫Well, he definitely is gonna die, Suze. ‫That's the point.

‫Yeah, well, join the club.

‫Sorry, I didn't, I didn't, I didn't mean that.

‫- I'll cancel. ‫- No, no, no, don't cancel it

‫because I'll just, ‫I'll feel like a right cunt.

‫"I'll come with you."

‫Nay, do you, do you think we ‫should have a proper chat?

‫Yeah. I'm just doing work stuff now.

‫"Don't forget to pick up painkillers, ‫you're due on."

‫I know it sounds mental but last month we were ‫in sync so, we've finally fully merged.

‫- Ok. Ok. ‫- "See you there then."

‫- Come in! ‫- "My mum used to clean for Naomi's dad."

‫"Naomi's mum was dead."

‫- Go on! Play. ‫- "And the house was like a grave."

‫"It was very white ‫and marble or fake marble."

‫"She lived in a cul-de-sac in Caversham, ‫but I was from Northcote."

‫"And Caversham was where ‫people with two cars lived."

‫"Anyway. One time, my mum found all these ‫knickers in the bin with blood on them."

‫"And immediately she was asking questions."

‫I can't say what it's like ‫to have your wife die,

‫but I don't think it'd make you like that.

‫- "Always thinking the worst." ‫- Such a cold man.

‫- "Particularly about men." ‫- What did you find then?

‫Private things.

‫This is a job for you.

‫"So I had a mission."

‫Do you ever get blood in your knickers?

‫Why, do you?

‫Yeah. That's what a period is.

‫"Naomi had been taking her dead mums ‫tampons from the cupboard in the toilet."

‫"But she didn't know how to use them. ‫So she was just putting them in her knickers"

‫"like you would a sanitary towel."

‫"So there's blood on her pants, ‫but she doesn't want her dad to see,"

‫"so she throws them away in the bin ‫which is fine"

‫"until, a few months in, ‫when she runs out of knickers."

‫"She started coming round all the time."

‫"My mum preferred it when there ‫were lots of people around."

‫- I just want to ask you a little question... ‫- Ok, ask away!

‫Ask who I'm with and where I'm going, ‫what I'm doing.

‫What, I cant even make a phone call?

‫"And when everything happened to me. ‫No, when I did everything I did."

‫"say this"

‫"I miss you more every day"

‫- "day light" ‫- That's my girl! That's my girl!

‫- "leads me back your way" ‫- "Nay was there."

‫"falling into my arms"

‫"Part of it."

‫- That's the one we changed? ‫- That's the one we changed.

‫- Yeah. ‫- Are you happy?

‫- Yeah, think so. ‫- It's all as discussed.

‫Yeah, happy, happy, happy. ‫Right. Just, just sign!

‫- Lets make you a star. ‫- Here we go.

‫- That's that one. ‫- Can I see?

‫- Fantastic! ‫- "We were in sync."

‫"Naomi has a lot of theories."

‫They're short, and honestly, and I'm not just ‫saying this cos I'm Middle Eastern.

‫It's extraordinary...

‫"She consumes theories ‫like I did food in my twenties."

‫"Bingeing on them all and then me ‫vomming them back up to feel in control."

‫"And it works."

‫"For a while."

‫- Oh, Jesus! ‫- What?!

‫You know you actually look too thin.

‫- You do. ‫- Is there such a, such a thing?

‫But its like, you're not going to be pretty ‫if you keep getting thin.

‫I'm just saying, I'm just saying.

‫Anyway, anyway, erm, ‫I wanted to tell you about erm,

‫that guy, Cob, cos ‫I wanted to see him again. Tonight.

‫Where are you in your cycle now right now?

‫- Oh, my god. Fucking hell. ‫- No, seriously, where are you?

‫- You don't actually know where you are... ‫- "Naomi has this theory"

‫"that the best time to make a decision ‫is when you've got PMT"

‫"and she calls it the Permanent Mega-Truth."

‫"She says that PMT is the only time ‫you see everything clearly."

‫"Once a month the world is in focus"

‫"and the shit you put up with ‫the rest of the time reveals itself."

‫"If you have to have a difficult conversation, ‫have it just before your period arrives,"

‫"before you lose your bottle. ‫Before you're leaking blood and apologies."

‫Say the Permanent Mega Truth. ‫Don't miss your chance.

‫"Not much time left. I'm intensely PMT,"

‫"and considering that, the last 24 hours ‫could've been worse."

‫"Open the door!"

‫- "Open the door..." ‫- Yeah, we don't need to, erm,

‫but, the fella wants charges ‫of disorderly conduct vandalism.

‫But minor! So, well clear it up ‫with a simple caution.

‫Yeah, a caution is just an official warning, ‫everyone goes on with their lives.

‫But you do have to admit guilt of the offence.

‫And then it's just a quick swab. And prints. ‫Like they do at the airport.

‫Some airports.

‫Just get your left index finger and press.

‫And your thumb.

‫"I can't believe I'm getting fucking prints ‫taken and he got his dick pixelated!"

‫Great, just get a swab.

‫If you can just scrape ‫the left side of your cheek

‫and then the right side of your cheek.

‫"I mean, I would murder them all, ‫but now they have my fingerprints."

‫- Hi. ‫- Ok, don't worry, it's gonna be fine.

‫He doesn't look, well, I mean, ‫he looks like you'd expect.

‫I cant believe the police cautioned you. ‫But I'm furious about that...

‫"I hate people who say they hate hospitals."

‫"When something happens to your kid, ‫you don't hate hospitals."

‫"You beg them. You worship them."

‫"When Frank was born, ‫I thought something had happened to him."

‫"And everyone said, no, it's fine, it's fine, ‫it's fine. You're paranoid."

‫"And then they said he ‫wasn't reacting normally."

‫"And I said, I know."

‫"And then they told me."

‫It's nothing you did. ‫It didn't happen during the birth.

‫It's a chromosomal abnormality that no-one, ‫no-one could do anything about.

‫It would have happened at conception.

‫Ok, erm, right, ok. Well have ‫an appointment with the audiologist?

‫"And in the following months, ‫they talked about"

‫"how high risk the implant procedure was ‫for him, and that he wasn't a good candidate.

‫"And Cob kept saying it's not that he's ill. ‫We should be the ones to learn."

‫"He was a happy little boy. ‫We should wait and see. And so I listened."

‫"extreme they are, ‫those have to be tested. Doctor..."

‫Nay, don't you think we should talk ‫about what happened?

‫Er, yeah. I do.

‫Let's brunch tomorrow.