In Living Color

Hurry up, Uncle Pete.

Okay, here we are, boy. Here we are.

Don't it look nice?

- Yeah, well, let's ride some rides. - Rides?

You ain't sayin' nothin' about getting on no rides.

You said you wanted to go to the carnival and here we are.

Well, you ain't ridin' a damn thing. Now look at it. Now let's go.

I want to ride the carnival rides.

Okay, you can get on the carnival rides.

Come on, let's go over to the ticket man.

Welcome to Two Flags Over Compton.

Okay, how you doin', Mr. Two Flags?

Uh, uh, let me just ask you a question.

- How much it cost to get on the roller coaster? - That's about four bucks.

Four bucks to get on a roller coaster? Good Lord! That's a lot of money.

How about I give you 88 cents and you let me scream in your ear?

- I don't think so. - Okay, okay, okay.

How much... Let me ask you something... How much... Let me ask you something...

How much would it cost to get on the bumper cars?

- Three dollars, $3.00, $3.00. - $3...

- Now how much it cost if I don't bump nobody? - Still $3.00.

Good Lord! That's a lot of money.

How about a give you 97 cents and you let me crash my Pinto into you?

Okay, okay, okay. How much it cost to get in the haunted house?

- That's about $6.00. - I'm scared of $6.00.

Six dollars? Okay, how about I give you 10 cents and you just scream "boo"?

Boy, I wish you'd just leave. Get the hell out of here.

Uncle Pete, I'd rather ride the Ferris wheel.

Okay, okay. Hold your horses, boy. All right? All right?

- Uh, how much it cost to get on the Ferris wheel? - That's about $2.00.

Two dollars? Good Lord!

How about I give you 20 cents and you let us spin around till we vomit?

Boy, if you don't get out of here...

Cotton! Cotton candy! Peanuts!

Uncle Pete, I want some cotton candy.

Okay, okay. You'll get some cotton candy.

- How much for the cotton candy? - Cotton candy, $1.00.

One dollar for cotton candy? Good Lord! That's a lot of money.

Now why should I pay that much money for a sugar-coated Afro?

I want some roasted peanuts.

Boy, you want everything. How much it cost for some roasted peanuts?

- One buck, 50. - A buck, 50? How much it cost for unroasted?

- A buck, 50. - Now how they gonna quote the same amount of money...

when one don't got no roast on it?

Uncle Pete, can I please have a balloon?

Okay, you can please have a balloon.

How much... Let me ask you a question. Let me ask you, how much it cost for a balloon?

- Two dollars. - Two dollars?

Now why should I spend $2.00 on something I already have?

- Boy, here's your balloon. Now blow it up. - Hey...

Uncle Pete, what does "condom" mean?

Condom means give it back when you're done.

Hey, I didn't know Luther Campbell was in town. All right.

Look at all those games! I want to do the shooting gallery.

- Good Lord! - And the ring toss.

- Good Lord! - And the dart throwing.

Good Lord! Don't you like tag? Tag, you're it.

No, I'm not. I want to have fun.

Okay, I'll show you some fun. Come on. Let's go see the freak show.

Step right up! Step right up! See the bearded lady!

See Coco, the human bowel! See Lulu, the 600-pound woman!

- Hey, excuse me. How much it cost to see the fat lady? - Uh, $2.00.

Two dollars for a fat lady? Oprah come on every day for free.

Okay. How about I give you 30 cents and you show me a rerun of Thea?

This is boring. I'm gonna ride on the Ferris Wheel.

Where you goin', boy? You better get... You better get...

Now, where you get some money from?

- Mama gave me $10. - Ten dollars? Good Lord! That's a lot of money.

Why don't you lend your Uncle Pete $2.00 so I can get some popcorn?

Two dollars? Good Lord! That's a lot of money.

How about I give 40 cent and you go get some cream corn?

Hi. I'm Loomis Simmons.

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Do you put in hours and hours for a minimum wage...

while the executives get rich from your blood, sweat and tears?

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and all you have to do is...

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Then let Loomis do the rest.

I'll pinch your "bootais-maximus..."

I'll whisper sweet nasties all up and through your earlobes.

I even expose myself. But don't worry. It's no bother.

Then you file a sexual harassment lawsuit against the company...

and give Loomis half the money.

It's just that simple. Observe, won't you?

- Mail call for Miss Hooters. - Thanks, Loomis.

Oh, how clumsy of me.

Would you mind bending over to, uh, pick those up?

Okay, Loomis.

Oh, my, my! Look, the peaks of Mount "Bootey."

Hey, you sexually harassed me. I'm going to sue this company.

Of course, that was just a sample.

In reality, this would go on for days and days.

But don't take Loomis's word for it.

Listen to some of my satisfied customers.

Loomis grabbed my ample breasts...

and we split $200,000.

Thanks, Loomis.

Loomis climbed on me at the water cooler...

and rode me through personnel and we split $500,000.

Thanks, Loomis. Yee-haw! Ride 'em, cowboy!

What you waitin' for, girls? Hurry and call now, 'cause I haven't had any in weeks.

And if you order now, you will get this.

A photocopy of Loomis behind.

So pick up the phone and dial:

Call now. Loomis is standing by.

It's time to make a positive change in your life. So...

Hey, kids. It's time to have some fun.

First, I'm gonna teach you how to asss... semble your weapon.

You're damn freakin' right we did it yesterday!

We're gonna do it every freakin' day until you freakin' get it right!

Do you freakin' read me, maggots?

Or you'll wind up choking on your freakin' blood in the jungle...

while Charlie parades around with your buddy's head on a freakin' stick!

Oh, I wonder who that could be.

Fire in the freakin' hole!

- -

- Hey, kids! -

That sounds like the tortured screams of my old foxhole buddy, Al Klanski.

Hey, Al, sorry about the friendly fire.

What's the matter with you, you freakin' freak?

You're lucky I was wearing the freakin' flak jacket, Larry.

Yeah, well, you're lucky old Rosie here wasn't full ofTeflon tips.

Otherwise, blamo! Call the bugler.

So, Al, what's the, uh, rainy-day fun project for today?

Today, Larry, we're gonna make a Bouncing Betty anti-personnel mine.

Outstanding. Let's hump it over to the arts and crafts area.