Pete versus Life

This week on Pete Versus Life, the would-be sports hack

faces some truly terrifying opponents at the top of their game.

There's his best mate's girlfriend, Trish.

She works nine to five but unlike Dolly Parton she loves every minute.

Magazine supremo, Giles, he seems a charmer

but he once bitch slapped Jimmy Nail with a toilet seat.

And editor Tony

angry at the world since he lost a testicle paintballing.

Let's see how he gets on in Pete Versus Life.

Welcome. I'm Colin King.

And I'm Terry McIlroy.

You join us with Pete on his way to a bar, but he's dawdling.

What's going on?

Well, Colin, he's arranged to meet Ollie and his new girlfriend, Trish,

and he's trying to make sure that there's no chance

of being stuck on his own with her.

So he doesn't like her?

No, on the contrary,

he fancies her so much his brain turns to cottage cheese.

Oh, she's on her own.

Pete, hi. Why's everyone so late?

'This could get very awkward.'

Oh, hello, Trish.

'What's he going to go for?'

Do you want a drink?

No, I'm all right.

Oh, go on.

No, I'm fine. I'm paying.

Yeah, I know, but I'm fine.

Oh, go on, line 'em up. I know you like a drink.

'Well, no young lady likes to be called an alcoholic,

'but going to the bar could buy him some time.

'Oh, but the barman's right there and he's being served immediately.

'He's normally there for a good ten minutes

'before he gets noticed.

'I think his record is 23 minutes and on that occasion

'it was a nine-year-old that got served ahead of him

'and her head didn't even go above the bar.

'Woeful.

'But somehow he's managed to think up two concrete conversational ideas.

'Last night's telly, and whether or not there's a Beast of Bodmin Moor.

'After that, Colin, we're very much into blurred territory.

'Looks like Trish has got company. She's being hit on and she's not enjoying it.

'Aye, just look at that body language...

'the crossed arms, minimal eye contact.

'She's closed for business

'and she doesn't want any deliveries from him.'

Giles, I have a boyfriend. Hello, Trish.

And here he is now. Oh, look at that,

'Totally unexpected.'

So sorry. It's really all right, Giles. No, it's not.

I get a few drinks in me, then I start behaving like this. Unforgivable.

It's how I destroyed my marriage.

I promised myself I'd stop and now you've done it again, Giles.

You've let yourself down. When will you learn?

'For a split second there, Pete thought his nascent feelings for Trish were being reciprocated.

'And considering the small amount of time, Pete got a long way into a fantasy future.

'Extraordinary, considering up to now Pete has found the idea of children terrifying and repellent.'

Actually you'd be well within your rights to just take me outside and punch my lights out.

Do it, please. No, no, I'm not doing that.

Trish is a beautiful girl and if it wasn't you,

it would be some other lechy old man trying his luck.

Oh, I'd hardly call Giles a lechy old man.

He's a senior managing editor where I work.

He personally controls a budget of over £35 million

and he was the youngest ever member on the EPC board.

Perhaps you should have got off with him, then.

You're such a lovely couple. I can't believe I did that.

Giles, it's fine, it's forgotten.

Isn't it, darling?

Oh, hello. Oh, hello, Ollie.

Ollie. Giles, this is my boyfriend's friend, Ollie.

Ollie, this is Giles, my senior managing editor.

And this is my girlfriend. Yeah, I know, we've met.

So nice to see my old mate Pete finally hooked up with a lovely girl.

Ah, she's the best. Oh, you are.

Just remind me, Pete, where did you two meet again?

On the internet. Well, Trish put in all her requirements

for her ideal man and then, whoop, out I popped.

Yes, you did.

Hey, hey, steady on.

Public place and everything. Oh, Ollie, I used to be like you,

seeing couples kissing in public used to make me want to chuck my guts up

and now, here I am, doing it with Trish in front of you.

So, what do you do for a living, Pete?

I'm a sports writer.

Well, one of our best selling titles is a sports magazine.

Well, what do I have to do to get an interview?

You don't need an interview. I've seen enough of you to know what you're like.

Oh, well, bloody bollocks to you, then.

I think he's trying to offer you a job, Pete.

Oh, magic!

'Well, this is a day I thought I'd never see.

'At quarter to eight on a Monday morning and Pete, clean-shaven,

'and ready to leave the house.

'Yeah, Giles as good as his word with that job

'and now Pete's a junior staff writer on Sick As A Parrot.

'It's his first proper salaried job, he's come in from the cold,

'national insurance payments, the lot.

Something unusual about you at the moment.

Well, I've got a job. That's not it. You've got a woman.

No, I haven't.

Yes, you have. If you haven't got a woman there's a woman you want.

Don't be ridiculous.

I can smell it on you. I worked with enough goats

on my father's farm to know. Oh, shut up.

You are ready to rut. Shut up.

No, you reek of sex, Pete, reek of it.

No, I don't. It's probably just that dressing gown. Get out of the way,

some of us have got a job to go to

and don't go looking through my stuff again, all right? All right?

'Well, Pete certainly has got grounds to be suspicious as he's caught Kurt

'in his room several times before.

'But it does mark an improvement in his behaviour.

'Back in Zimbabwe he used to set fire to buildings.

'Well, there goes Pete's last Pot Noodle.'

Hi, Trish. Hi, Pete.

Listen, I'm sorry about all the kissing the other night.

It was just really the only way I could let Giles down gently.

That's OK, don't worry about it.

It's just if I piss him off I could set my career back 18 to 22 months.

Hey, listen, if it's about your career then you can count on me.

Sorry, he looked important.

He's the postman.

Yeah, but we can't be too careful, can we?

'He's enjoying this. You know what, Terry? I think he's falling in love with her.

'Ooh la la.'

This is it, Sick As A Parrot.

Wow, it's amazing. Oh, Tony, come on over.

Foosball.

Giles? Yeah, Tony the editor,

this is Pete Griffiths.

It's a pleasure to meet you, I'm a massive fan of the magazine. Never bought it, but I enjoy

flicking through it in the shops. Pete's your new staff writer.

For here? Yeah.

Blood hell, Giles, I'm the editor, I hire my own staff.

Maybe I should go? No, no, that's fine.

There's no need to be like that, Tony. Pete's an exceptional young man.

We don't even need another writer. You're always doing this.

It completely undermines my authority.

Yes, well I hear what you're saying, Tony, but I had to follow my gut.

It makes me look so weak, so ineffectual

in front of my own staff. Yes, I'm so sorry.

Look, I've done it now,

so golly, what are we going to do? Tell him there isn't a job.

No, I'm not going to do that. Um...

Well, the only thing I can think is that you just live with it.

What do you think, Tony? Oh, bloody hell, Giles...

Well, looks like I'm stuck with you.

So, have I got the job?

Er... Brilliant.

'So, coming up to lunch time

'and Pete not comfortable in an office environment,

'and struggling with his first assignment,'

a 2,000 word article on any aspect of football.

It's always hard when you're given a general topic like that, you've got no starting point.

I mean, I have the same problem with my column in The Sun.

Isn't that written for you?

Yeah, but they tell me it's very tricky.

'And not even Pete's lucky Gazza able to help.

'He had that in his pocket the night he lost his virginity and ever since regarded it as a lucky charm,

'although when the girl found out he carrieda plastic Gazza, she dumped him.

'Ooh, unlucky.'

A lot of my colleagues have been saying you look like a farmer in a suit,

but I think you look quite smart.

I thought it was what you wore if you worked in an office.

Yeah, like 30 years ago.

Tell you what, buy me a drink and I'll tell you what decade it is. I'm Jane by the way.

I'm Pete.

Yeah, we all know you, Mr Miami Vice. Anyway, about this drink?

Oh, no, I can't tonight, I'm going out with my mates.

Well, some other time, then.

'Oh, that couldn't have been more on a plate

'if it was garnished with tomato sauce.

'But he's only got eyes for one girl

'at the moment and here she comes

'He's got her dressed as

'Russian tennis ace Maria Sharapova.

'Aye, Maria's a belter, isn't she?

'Lasses as fit as her, Colin,

'should be paid just as much as the fellas.

'They all should be, Terry,

'regardless of physical appearance.

'That's not going to happen, is it?

'I could beat half of them. Stop it, Terry.'

Hi, Pete. Hello, Trish.

I just got a text from Ollie

and he says that he might be a bit late for lunch.

Oh. Hello, Trish. Mmm. Who's this?

Valerie, hi. This is my new boyfriend.

Ah, Trish told me you were mixed race.

'Oh, dear, now they hadn't thought of this had they, Terry?

'No, Trish obviously described Ollie.'

Ollie, there he is, handsome chap. Yeah, he's not my cup of tea, but catnip to the ladies.

That's because... I am mixed race and I'm proud of it.

Well, you don't look mixed race.

Well, I've got curly hair...

and some of us come out paler than others, so...

Really? Oh, there you are, then.

OK, I'll see you later, then, Trish.