Modern Family

Didn't you just cut his hair?

Yes, but it's his kindergarten graduation party today.

Okay, no messy goodbyes, I'm out of here.

Ay, papi, I'm going to miss you.

Can you at least stay for the party that I'm making for Joe?

Mom, Mrs. Nussbaum is paying me

to get her car to Delaware by Friday at noon.

I already lost an hour looking for my driving gloves.

You're plowing through the heartlands in an inchworm-green Camry

with a bumper sticker that says "Meat is Murder."

I hid these gloves for a reason.

Listen, uh, we weren't kidding about you being careful.

And, uh, not to get dramatic, just keep your wits about you.

Here.

What the hell is that?

It's an air freshener. What does it look like?

I'm going on the Martha Stewart

bed-and-breakfast tour of America,

not an Aboriginal manhood quest.

I'm not saying you're gonna need it,

just better safe than sorry.

Slash, don't stab.

Uh...

Stop wiggling. I'm almost done.

Why'd you gasp?

Ah! My hair is my identity!

Uh, Cam? Uh, turns out I have to do that work thing after all.

I'll meet you at Joe's party?

Oh, okay. Cal, come give your Uncle Mitchell a hug.

Hug!

No. No, no hug. No... where is he?

Which way is he coming from? Coming from?

Ahhh!

Cam's sister's son is staying with us

because, well, you know, she's back in jail.

But she didn't do anything terrible. She just didn't understand

the rules of her probation from last time, when...

When she did something a little terrible.

But we're taking baby Cal back to

live with my parents on the farm.

Which is a good thing because he's not really a...

a house baby.

No, no, he's freakishly strong and off the charts size-wise.

On the charts. 99th percentile.

He has two teeth and I've seen him eat a whole chicken.

All right, I got to go.

- Wait, where's my hug? - Aww.

- Hug! - Go! Go! Save yourself!

Ohh. Yep.

- Hey. - Hey!

Our costumes are in the back.

Phil and I are going to Hero-Con

to indulge in our love of fantasy fiction.

Um, I-I've always wanted to go,

but I-it's a little nerd-forward,

and I was always afraid my family would make fun of me.

So I've asked Phil to keep it between us.

That's why we chose our secret warrior signal.

My first suggestion was to blow a Viking horn.

- Don't ever Google that, by the way. - I already did.

This year, there's a panel, um, on our favorite show,

"Clash of Swords."

It's got a lot of graphic violence and female nudity,

but that's part of its appeal

to the fierce warrior inside every man.

My eyeliner keeps smudging.

Thanks a lot, gal at the MAC counter.

Who cares? We look great.

Let's do this!

Just remember we left our trusty steed in section 22B.

I can't do it, Phil.

Oh, okay. I can write it down.

No, no. I-I-I thought I was ready, but I'm not.

I'm not. I-I've fantasized so long about coming,

and now that... that we're here, I am...

I'm mortified, okay? I'm a 40-year-old man.

No, you're not.

You're a 390-year-old Highland Norph.

And you're walking in with a lifer.

This baby gets us all-access and two free yards of mead.

Through those doors lies your destiny.

What's the Galderean word for "bravery"?

Lochtani.

- Again! - Lochtani.

Namu oponggi su-whi-gorth!

Have you seen Margaret?

I need her to clear my day.

I just found out you can get the Golf Channel online.

Nope, she's out sick again.

Oh, Dad, don't forget we're about to meet with

those guys from that start-up.

Oh, right, aspiring closeteers

seeking advice from an industry legend.

Yeah, just skip that part of your speech

where you say "I didn't choose closets..."

They chose me!

- Hey... - Oh.

We didn't know where to hang up our puffer vests,

so we just dropped them on some rando's desk.

Hi. You must be the guys from EzraVision.

Yes, I am Nick. And these are my guys.

Jay Pritchett, obviously.

Fellas, take a seat. Make yourself comfortable.

Which one is gonna be holding the tape recorder?

You know what? Why don't we just make this quick?

We actually have to go hang out in a bike shop

that only plays Drake.

So here's our offer, best and final.

Offer for what?

For your company.

We want to buy you out.

I'm sorry, we thought that you were here to just,

you know, get information.

Get out of here!

Dad, if you would just let me speak...

Who do you think you are,

marching in here like a bunch of hotshots?

And why is nobody wearing socks?!

Ooh, lower the B.P., O.G.

We're actually trying to do you a favor.

Okay, I think you have this twisted.

This company has been around since before you all were born.

Except for maybe him. How is he part of this?

This guy?

- That's our over-40 diversity hire. - Ah.

Listen, we have developed smart-closet technology

that's gonna make places like this obsolete.

We are giving you a chance

to get out while you're still ahead.

Speaking of which... Get out of here!

Okay. Offer's good for 48 hours.

Two get out of heres?

You believe these punks?

I mean, what was with all this eye contact?

In my day, nerds had the decency to stare at their shoes!

Their website looks legitimate.

I mean, they've got some pretty great clients.

Wait a second, is that Margaret?

She's working there. They must have poached her.

Brainwashed her, is what they did. Margaret is very vulnerable.

I've had to rescue her a bunch of times

from cults and an Amway pyramid.

Come on. Let's get our girl back!

You were all the way out of the Grand Canyon

before you realized no one was on my donkey.

But, sure, let's go save Margaret.

Oh, wow!

Mom, my dinosaur party looks amazing!

But we're in that room.

Somebody must've done another dinosaur party right next to us.

Gloria?

Doctor Donna Duncan.

You remember my stepson, Digby.

He prefers nonverbal communication.

This is your party?

You see, I saw that you had signed up

to throw a party for Miss Jessica's class,

so I thought I'd throw a little party for Miss Elaine.

It belches fire and then shoots candy all over the room.

- Hey, girl, hey! - I'm not going on your road trip.

- What? - Luke told me that you've been hounding

him because you don't want to drive cross-country alone.

Oh, I'm just trying to do you a favor.

You're going to a conference in Memphis.

It's only 12 hours out of my way.

Hey, no need to be afraid.

Afraid?

Manny, I'm a pretty girl who wears low-cut tops.

I know what a scared 19-year-old boy looks like.

Dude, you brought a pan flute to the fifth grade.

You serenade girls who are way out of your league.

You're a baller. You got this.

Thanks.

Anytime.

Manny. Manny, this is kidnapping.

- Wow, this office is huge. - Just placed it.

This used to be Schweinberg's department store.

Wall of TVs over there.

I almost knocked down the display of fondue pots

when I saw they were letting Barbara Walters anchor the news.

Look who's here!

You are not gonna regret taking our offer.

Let's celebrate.

We're not here to sell. We're here to bring Margaret home.

Who's Margaret?

Margie!

Margie-Marge!

How did they get you?

Are you still wandering around alone in pet stores?

I've told you, that's the kind of person these cults target!

I like it here.

They have one of those machines that makes every kind of soda.

But you're diabetic. And a grown-up.

You know, since you're here, why don't I show you the new model?

Come here. Come over here.

Come here. This is the EzraVision Elitist.

- Ohhh. - Stand right over there.

Face forward.

Good afternoon, Ezra.

Good afternoon. How may I help you?