I Want My Wife Back

- You want me to lie to Curtis? - Yes. - About you and... someone else.

This is Zak!

So, I've just been offered a job.

Let's order some champagne.

In Birmingham.

That's why you wanted me to take your speeding points, isn't it?

Morning!

Thanks Keeley. Uh...

Just dropping off Bex's party frock for your parents' anniversary do.

Is, uh, she around at all?

What do you think of Zak?

Ooh, er...

seems like a nice bloke.

I'm not sure about him. He goes out all the time.

That's not ideal, is it?

No, it's not ideal.

And he's clearly not the settling-down type.

How long have you been going out with him?

Like a month.

So, it's quite early days, then.

I mean, I have mentioned it to him but you're right, it's not ideal.

I'm going to dump him.

Thanks, Murray.

Oh, well, I didn't really do anything.

I didn't do anything!

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

Keeley let me in.

I, uh, well, you left this at the dry cleaner.

I thought you might want it for the party tonight.

Oh, thanks. Gosh, I took that in ages ago.

Not sure I can even get into it.

Well, I can, so you should be able to.

All right.

I... I've been calling you, actually.

I know, I'm sorry. I've had a lot on.

Oh, yeah, I won my appeal against the speeding points.

Right.

Do you want to talk about what happened the other night?

Uh, the kiss.

The... you screeching off in your car and ignoring my calls.

Look, you know, I've got a lot on my mind at the moment.

Can we talk later at the party?

I'm sorry, I've got to get to work.

- Bye, Keeley! - Oh, no, she's uh...

Is there somewhere I can hang this?

That's six messages I've left and she's not called me back.

- Maybe she doesn't want to talk to you. - Why not?

Maybe it's not yours.

For once in your life, could you try and help me?

Do you want that ice cream?

Do you know what? It's that night I spent with Emma,

that's the reason she's not talking to me.

- Well, she's got a point. - Nothing happened.

Yeah, but you don't really know that, do you?

I don't know for sure but I, I'm pretty sure nothing happened.

Do you want one?

Oh. Cheers.

God, what are the chances? Look, Snorkel Sam's Diving School.

That's where me and Bex met.

She was my diving buddy.

Even through fogged-up goggles she looked gorgeous.

Do you want that coffee?

Now she's not even talking to me.

I've got to fix this, Grant!

Oh, let's not go all over it again.

Look, you need to take your mind off it.

Why don't you come out for a drink this evening with me and Sonia?

- You know, Sonia's got a friend. - I'm not going on a double date!

I'm not suggesting a double date.

I was simply... Why not?

Because I'm trying to get back with Bex

and I've just discovered I'm going to be a father!

Why can't you think of somebody else for a change?

- Ah! You caught me. - Sorry?

- I'm just signing your leaving card. - Oh.

Can you think of anything funny to say to you?

Uh, no. No, sorry. Have you seen Emma?

I need to catch up with her as soon as possible.

Uh, I think she's around somewhere.

- Uh, how much cash have you got on you? - Sorry.

It's just I don't really like using my credit cards at these hotels.

Tamzin, she's a very suspicious woman. Can I borrow some?

Oh, for God's sake, Curtis. How much longer?

The things I've done for you these past few weeks.

- I told Tamzin I was hiking with you last weekend. - No, no, no.

- You told me you were hiking with Tamzin last weekend. - Was I? - Yeah.

You remember -- it was the night before you and I went off to "play tennis".

No, no. I was "Playing tennis" with Tamzin and Colin.

You and I were at the "garden centre."

No, you're right.

- It's hard keeping track of all these lies! - Who's Colin?

No-one. Doesn't matter.

So, can I borrow some...

cash?

Haven't got much.

90 will do.

They do a midweek special at The Royal Prince Hotel.

Bed only. No breakfast.

Ah, Murray, looking forward to your leaving do?

- Oh, no, not particularly, Nereesha. - Will you be wanting a speech?

No, don't worry about it.

It's just as acting head of department I ought to do it

but I'm not very good with funny stories or jokes.

- No? - Do you know any funny stories or jokes about yourself?

- You want me to write my own leaving speech? - It would be easier.

Emma! Eh...

- Oh, hi, Murray. How are you? - Yes, I'm all right, thanks.

I really enjoyed the other night. We should do it again sometime?

Yes, uh, when you say "it", what exactly was the "it" that we did?

Murray, I've thought of a funny story for your leaving do.

Oh, there you go. Problem solved.

That time you were trying to photocopy something

- and it was running low on toner -- that was you, wasn't it? - No.

- Emma, that night, uh... - Yes?

I just need to know, did we...?

Can we just pretend it was you, just for the purpose of the funny story?

- What? Nereesha... - You were photocopying.

There was no toner, well, very little,

and then the A5 tray jammed and...

Sorry, I've missed a bit out.

Leave it with me.

Sorry, Emma, I need to know, er... did we do anything, um,

in your flat, bed, uh, together?

- Oh, you mean...? - That's exactly what I mean.

Emma Thornton.

Um, sorry. Can we catch up later? I need to take this call.

Oh.

New plan.

I'll tell the story about the wrong-sized jiffy bags.

Get it all out.

I thought you're supposed to get morning sickness in the morning.

I still can't believe it.

- I know. - I only slept with him eight times.

Well, seven and a half.

So what are you going to do?

- I'm going to dump him. - What?

Zak's not right, Bex.

Well, shouldn't you at least give him a chance?

What, and end up like you and Murray?

No, I didn't mean that, like...

Oh, God I hate myself, I literally do.

You could do a lot worse than end up with someone like Murray, you know.

I'm just going to get hold of Bex,

and I really need you to tell her nothing happened.

Got it into her head there's something going on between us,

and, er... Oh, my God.

That was the Serious Fraud Office!

Oh, she's answering.

- Murray? - Bex!

They were asking questions about Petratech's account being hacked!

- Murray, I can't hear you. You're breaking up. - Emma, no, no, no.

They said they need to speak to Curtis urgently.

Hi, Bex, I'm with...

I mean she's here, I don't mean...

Oh, God. Can you get that?

Tell Bex... happened.

Bex!... baby!

- We need to find Curtis. - Emma, stop crying. I'll find him.

We need to find him now.

- Please, just stop crying. I know where he is. I'll find him. - OK.

- Hello? - 'It's Zak.'

Oh, my God. No. I can't face him now.

I can't just leave him out there, can I?

Just tell him we're not here.

'Hello, you've got your finger on the button, I can hear you.'

Sorry, Zak. We, we were just, we were just...

Yeah. Come on in.

- Oh, what do I do? - You've got to tell him, Keeley.

- You've done this before. What did you tell Murray? - I can't remember.

I think I said that to flourish our relationship needed a new soil.

Oh, God. No, that's terrible!

Mm. Oh, God.

Hi, Zak. Come on in.

Everything OK?

Yeah.

That's just Keeley. She's not feeling too well.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Sorry to trouble you, but it really is an emergency.

- Yeah? - Sir, I'm really sorry to bother you.

Hi, Curtis. Sorry, you weren't picking up, so...

No. I was busy.

Sorry to disturb you, but there's a problem with...

Are you coming for a bath or not, hunky monkey?

.. the... the Serious Fraud Office.

So it's my sister's kid's christening on Sunday.

Really screwed up my weekend.

But then, kids screw up everything, don't they?

Keeley, you feeling any better?

Keeley, Zak's still here

and I know there's something you've got to say to him.

- No, I don't think so. - Everything OK, Keeley?

- Oh, God. - Keeley.

Fine!

- I think we need to talk, Zak. - OK, what about?

Oh, you tell him, Bex?

Me?

I think I'm going to be sick again.

We were just talking about Keeley's soil...

Not the soil stuff!

No, um, Keeley feels that maybe there needs to be some changes.