Syrup

- ( people chattering ) - ( Traffic noises )

Narrator: "Marketing 101."

If you live in any major city,

you see 800 ads a day.

In most of them, models are going to be looking at you

- like they want to fuck you. - ( Honks )

You're so used to this that you don't even notice it anymore,

but your body does.

Your heart rate increases,

your pupils dilate, you breathe faster...

- ( fireworks popping ) - You become more alert.

- ( woman singing ) - You've been tapped.

Looking at a billboard is supposed to feel

like love at first sight.

But it's not real. It's just marketing.

And without that,

you wouldn't even know who you are.

You see, the first thing you learn in business school

is that you need to market yourself before the ads do it for you.

Which is why they teach you to pick a new name...

brand yourself and become the product

- that you're trying to sell. - Your name's Scat?

Yeah, my name's Scat.

Narrator: A name he chose because it was closely associated

- with jazz, beat poetry and... - Animal shit.

N... like jazz. It's a type of music.

You've had 16 sexual partners?

- Okay... - Yeah.

Provided your blood test comes back negative,

that'll be $54.

Fifty... don't you think my sperm's worth a little more than that?

Because you've had 16 sexual partners,

there's already a 90% risk...

Scat: But I put on my form that I don't have an STI.

Woman: You could have written anything.

Ma'am, what am I supposed to do with $54?

I can't pay my rent with $54.

Do you know how hard it is for me

to just give away my future spawn for 54 bucks?

- How do you think they'd feel? - Shh.

Cool name.

Narrator: This is Scat's roommate Sneaky Pete.

He broke his jaw sophomore year after a motorcycle accident,

and had it wired shut. He couldn't speak for three months.

The accident just so happened to coincide with "Marketing 304:

Persona Creation, " where Sneaky Pete received the only perfect score.

He hasn't said a word since.

You're a perfect candidate, Mr. Pete.

This is wonderful. Provided your blood test...

Narrator: Pete visited the health clinic 18 times his freshman year,

and it wasn't because he had the flu.

That will be $270.

Narrator: But the truth doesn't matter,

because perception is reality.

Woman: ...saving it for marriage.

Narrator: It's all just...

marketing.

- ( cars honking ) - ( Distant barking )

- ( chickens clucking ) - Woman on phone: $54 a week?

Your sister makes more at her lemonade stand.

Mom, it's just temporary. Competition's stiff in this climate.

- ( sighs ) You're settling. - I'll get...

You used to be so innovative.

Remember when you won the science fair, Michael?

Mom, my name is Scat now.

Man on TV: This form is now...

- ( TV channels changing ) - ( Bagpipes play )

Newscaster: Recapping the stories...

Announcer: Introducing the Tiddy Bear.

- That's T-I-D-D-Y Bear. - ( Coughing )

The cute little guy that eliminates all those

- irritating shoulder-strap problems. - ( Coughing continues )

Designed to make driving more comfortable,

the Tiddy Bear snaps onto your shoulder strap

and moves up and down to eliminate uncomfortable pressure...

- Going to bed? - Now you can have you own Tiddy Bear,

and eliminate those annoying shoulder...

Narrator: They say every person has three

million-dollar ideas in their life.

Scat had three of them before he turned seven...

- See you tomorrow. - ...and many after.

In high school, he won the state science fair

for inventing a new flavor of ice cream.

165 people showed up for the taste test.

They just wanted vanilla.

You see, people don't care about something new.

They just want the same old thing

behind a new, sexier label...

- ( soda opens ) - Fuck!

...because taste doesn't matter.

It's all about the branding.

And without that...

it's just syrup and water.

( techno music playing, woman vocalizing )

Pete, you awake?

I have an idea...

it's a drink idea. It just clicked!

I'm gonna run with this, Pete.

I really think this could be it for me.

I might even be able to pull you in too. You've got great ideas.

What do you think? Do I... I mean do I go indie?

Do I try to sell to one of the majors?

Yeah, it definitely feels mainstream.

One of the majors.

I just need to get it in front of the right guy.

- ( pen clicking ) - Narrator: Little did he know

her name is Six.

- Wow. - ( Pop music playing )

Narrator: Six sounds like sex.

That's the point.

Studies show that the more men associate

sex with decision-making, the more likely their answer will be "yes"

- to anything that you might request. - Morning, Six!

Narrator: "What was the question?" you might ask.

- Man: Grade A. - Man #2: Great ass.

Do you really think it matters?

- ( phone rings ) - Addy. This is Beth.

Sure!

Welcome to the Addison Company, how may I help you?

Hello, Beth is it?

I'm the brother to your New Products marketing manager

and I...

it's the whole family. We have this special birthday surprise planned...

Who do you wish to see, sir?

- Six. - I'm sorry,

New Products doesn't accept unscheduled meetings.

Yeah, I know that, Beth. That's why I'm here.

I was hoping you'd put me through to her so that I can sort this all out.

- ( phone rings ) - Addy. This is Beth!

Sure, you're welcome!

I'm sorry, New Products doesn't accept unsolicited calls.

Tell me, Beth, how do you suggest that I contact my own sister?

I refuse to solicit a call.

- That's just absurd. - Try her cell.

- Have a nice day, sir. - ( Phone rings )

Addy. This is Beth.

Yeah, the ingredients in Addison beverages

are suitable for a vegetarian.

Woman: Should we reschedule?

Man: No, I don't know.

Man: Not sure how long we'll have to stay out here.

- ( clears throat ) - Woman: All over my phone.

Man: I suppose we should stand over here.

You know how they first marketed fire alarms?

- Hired arsonists. - Yeah.

"Marketing 101."

I hear 'em from my manicurist, my Pilates instructor,

my girlfriend. I don't need yours.

You don't need my what?

A drink idea.

Okay, I have to say it: bravo.

You've got the sex thing, you've got the wealth thing,

- you've totally got the mystery thing. - You think this is an image?

You're right. Don't ruin the magic.

The insurance company only obligates

a four-minute mandatory evacuation for all fire alarms,

which means you have 25 seconds before Addy starts losing money.

What? Can't we set up a meeting, something?

I have an idea that could make your company millions of dollars

and you're giving me 30 seconds?

That's how long we have to sell our customers.

It's called advertising. Five seconds.

All right.

Okay okay! Jet black can called "Fukk"!

8:00 PM, Alain Ducasse.

11:00 AM, coffee. I don't do dinner.

12:00, lunch!

Abe & Arthur's.

Or I'm going to ZephCo.

Tampering with a fire alarm is a federal offense.

Men categorize women in one of four ways:

mothers, virgins, sluts and bitches.

Of course, none of the above

is suitable for the modern businesswoman.

But you can create your own image

by selecting pieces of each archetype that work for you.

For example, the sexual attractiveness...

of the slut.

The wisdom of the mother.

The integrity of the virgin.

The independence of the bitch.

This leaves men confused and unable to pigeon-hole you.

What they're forced to do instead is

take you seriously.

- Mr. Scat. - Ms. Six.

As this is a business lunch, a handshake is appropriate.

I completely agree. I always say lunch lubricates business.

- Lubricates what? - Nothing. I don't lubricate.

- Mr. Scat... - Scat.

- This idea of yours, "Fuck"... - Yeah, that's F-U-K-K.

That addresses my first concern.

Now, with regard to the target market,

I'm assuming you're after the young, cynical image-conscious consumer?

- ( phone chimes ) - Like yourself.

Mr. Scat, don't confuse me with a consumer. I don't buy anything.

Exactly, it'd be like drinking irony.

No, we're not ready yet.

Did you have any thoughts on taste?

Well, no.

People don't buy energy drinks based on taste, do they?