Attenberg

All right, guys. Fire Department is here,

I'm gonna do a head count, all right? Morris.

Hays. Hudson.

All right, where's Mike Shelton?

Guy's probably jacking off in his room again.

I'm right here.

Oh! Hey, man, good to see you. Glad you're okay.

Everything.

Hey, Rachel, look.

I'm really sorry about earlier.

Oh!

_

All right, here is the last of them.

Three hundred pamphlets.

You're gonna knock 'em dead

at this presentation tonight.

You really think so?

Yeah.

I bought this really cool fire ladies' hat.

Thought I'd jazz up the crowd, right?

Anyone who sees you in that hat

and does not want to talk about

fire evacuation procedures, is an idiot.

You know, when I first met you,

I thought you were kind of a goof.

Thank you so much. That means a lot.

I wasn't finished.

Oh. I was gonna say,

and now I can see that you are a real asset

to me and the residents.

Thank you. Uh, that means even more. Really.

Okay. Remember, have fun tonight. Okay?

- I will. - Right.

What about you? Any big plans?

Oh, you know, just, um...

Quiet night alone in my room

just Hulu and a bag of cookies.

Hey-o!

Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots! Shots!

- Where are the balls? - In my pants.

Sam, could you be mature for a minute here?

We're throwing a kegger for teens.

Right, my bad.

Yeah. Um, you sure about this party?

Fairly certain we're breaking about 9,000 rules with this idea.

It is our job to teach the residents about alcohol awareness.

Freshmen come to college, what do they do? They overdo it.

They binge-drink. It's a serious problem, man.

And we... and we prevent that by throwing

large parties with tons of liquor?

- Exactly. - Hey, where do you want this ice luge?

Hey, down by the beer bong station, man.

Aah...

See... you can't tell the students not to drink.

So the trick is, to show them why they shouldn't do it.

So every fall,

I sacrifice my health, my safety, my dignity

in the interest of the residents.

I'm not sure I follow.

Tonight I'm gonna get so disgustingly wasted

that they won't even want to be in the same room as a beer.

I do it every year

and, uh, I get a pretty positive response every time I do it, so...

Why?

Trust me. This is where I shine.

Okay? And before you get your panties in a bunch,

we're not actually serving the residents alcohol.

Everything in this box is fake.

I emptied out the booze and refilled it with colored sugar water.

Doug, come on.

The residents are gonna know it's fake the moment they taste it.

You are highly underestimating

the persuasive influence of a party atmosphere.

I once convinced a guy to Nair his eyebrows. He was totally sober.

Oh, hey, what's up, Dave? Cool, man.

Oh, my God.

Oh, Amy got her hands stuck to the ice luge.

Don't worry. I haven't found a situation yet

where I can't lick my way out of it.

Wait, guys, guys, I got to get this picture.

Okay, hold on.

Dave, you're in the frame. Please.

Tag me.

Rachel, did you say you wanted herbal or oolong?

Uh, I actually said, "Leslie, no thanks.

I don't wanna have a tea party."

Oh, Sam, hi.

I like your... buttons.

Sam, sir, do you want herbal or oolong?

Um, I... I came because the other RAs and I

are throwing a rager for Hutcherson.

A rager? As in alcohol?

There'll be... there'll be drinks there.

- Yeah. - Uh-huh.

Yeah. Okay.

- Sounds cool. Thanks. Fun. - Fun?

Fun? Hmm. No, no, no, no.

This is gonna be epic.

Okay? Like, I need to... I need to figure out what I'm gonna wear,

I need to figure out my drink...

Wait. What should my drink be? Sex on the Beach, right?

No, no. That sends out the wrong message.

I need women to know that I'm up for sex anywhere.

Excuse me.

Is this, uh, Seek And You Shall Find?

No, it's down the hall and to the left.

Hey-o! Welcome, residents, to the rager to end all ragers.

Now, in the spirit of getting wasted, I'm gonna take a shot of beer

every minute, on the minute, for the next six hours.

Yeah!

Dude, that's, like, 50 beers.

Hey, that's some really cool math, Sam.

Okay, now to kick things off,

I am going to take five shots of vodka.

Count 'em out. Okay. Ready?

Ready. Set. Drink!

One.

Two.

Three.

Four.

Five.

- Dude, where's the ice? - The ice?

What? What do you mean? You don't have any ice?

What are you planning on serving, room-temperature drinks?

Listen. I need you to get your head in the game.

Okay? Image is everything.

If this party is even a smidge off, the residents will know.

In order for them to believe that it is real

we need to sell it. So sell it!

Okay, okay. I'll sell it.

I'm sorry. I'm not mad.

This is just a really important night. I'm sorry I blew up in your face, okay?

You know what? Hey, I'll get the ice.

- It's been another minute. - Yes, it has.

Thank you, Tyler.

Hey, Jorge, what's up, man?

Hey, can I get a bag of ice, por favor?

Thanks, dude.

Big night, babe?

No. And don't call me that, please.

And, yeah, it is kind of a big night.

- I'm hosting an event for the residents. - Oh.

Okay. It's a little short notice

but I'll just go home and change, I guess.

Yeah. No, no. It's... You can't come

'cause it's only for the residents. So you can't go.

Well, I'm sure residents' girlfriends are allowed.

Not really, and even if they were

you're not a resident's girlfriend, so...

- Babe. - What?

Are you drunk right now?

I'll get it, Jorge.

No, Jorge, please don't give her that.

Jorge, do the right thing. Give it to me.

Jorge. Give me the ice, por favor.

Gracias, Jorge.

Okay, well, I'll see you in a bit. Nope.

He's so funny. He's my boyfriend.

Olivia.

Hey, what are you... What are you doing here?

No one showed up to my presentation.

But that's impossible.

Everyone was talking about going to your fire prevention,

um, safety thing. It was all over the chat blogs and...

Nope.

Apparently nobody cares about fire prevention.

Or maybe it's just because they don't want to hang out with me.

That is not true. I would... I would totally hang out with you.

- For real? - For real.

Well, how about dinner then?

Dinner with you, and I would... And I would be there?

- You don't wanna come. I get it. - No...

You know, you probably have super fun plans. I'm just...

No, no, no, no. It just took me by surprise

'cause I'm not a very big, you know, dinner guy.

So I was... I was thrown.

Well, it doesn't have to be a big deal. We can just hang and have some pasta.

Pasta? Yeah, I love pasta.

Great. So my room, 20 minutes?

Oh, wait, um... Did you... Was that, um, tonight?

- Yeah. Is tonight a problem? - No.

No, it's no problem. Okay. See you tomorrow.

No. Doug, tonight.

Yeah. No, tonight's good. It's better.

'Cause it's sooner. So that's cool.

- Okay. - Okay.

Hey. We got a problem.

Yeah, I'll say. You've been gone for six minutes,

you haven't taken a single shot.

No, no. No, no. The thing is...

Shots! Shots! Shots!

Shots! Shots! Shots!

One!

Two!

Three!

Four! Oh, boy.

Five.

Six!

Sam. Come here.

Okay. Guys, okay, um...