M*A*S*H

‐FRANK: Slow down, Pierce! ‐Yes, Frank.

‐Come on, watch it! ‐Yes, dear.

‐Hey, stop! ‐What?

Stop here.

Are you crazy, Frank?

I wanna get a shot of this.

So do they! Get in!

Letting her go without a search, Sergeant?

Mind your own branch of the service, Frank.

That's perfect camouflage for a bomb.

A bomb?

The woman's obviously eight months gone

with a Sherman tank.

Enemy infiltration's everywhere, chum.

And it's not funny.

Sorry, Colonel.

You idiot.

I said I was sorry.

Sorry don't feed the bulldog!

You want me to launder it?

I know a great little rock down by the stream.

Who is this man, Major?

Ahem. Captain Pierce, sir.

Uh, personally, I'm Major Burns.

Uh, we're surgeons with, uh, 4077.

You don't care a hoot about military courtesy, do you?

All you doctors care about is medicine.

Oh, I don't, sir. I mean, I'm different.

You operate the same way you drive?

With your eyes closed?

Colonel, yesterday, a Korean bus hit a mine

a couple of miles up the road.

We spent the entire night sewing 80 pieces of anatomy

into 40 civilians.

I'm sleepy, I'm hungry, I'm tired,

and I'm sorry about your uniform.

If you send me your size, I'll knit you a new one.

How goes it, Zale?

Terrific.

If it was goin' any better, I'd kill myself.

Sergeant, you can't drink this early in the morning.

I know. I keep trying.

What is it? Or do you mind telling me?

I don't mind telling you.

It's bourbon. You want some?

I had just enough bourbon last night.

Unfortunately, I had just enough gin as well.

Letter.

Sounds like the truce talks are going well.

Nine years we were married.

The woman's body was sacred to me.

Lying next to her was like being in church.

I had no idea you were so religious.

Read this.

I've read those letters.

"Funny thing happened, dear.

"One of your suits came back from the cleaners

"with somebody else in it," right?

I'll read it.

‐It says here she's sorry. ‐Yeah, sorry.

‐She loves you. ‐Loves me, loves me.

Sorry.

Has an affair with the joker next door,

and she wants me to forgive her.

She says it's you she wants, not him.

Ah, I'll never get her back.

He'll keep her in the closet

with the power drill he never returned.

One married man to another,

the woman that wrote that deserves another chance.

Yeah. I'll give her another chance.

I'll stick a grenade in her girdle.

Hey, a little understanding, huh?

She may have done it for you‐‐

to get your power drill back.

Zale, scream, cry, yodel, anything.

But don't hit. Don't‐‐

You hit.

Congratulations, Sergeant.

You just turned your right hand into a maraca.

After I set it, you can sit in with the relief band.

How come I don't feel no pain?

It's swimming upstream against the bourbon.

Corpsman! Let's go!

I need some bodies here!

We got two for pre‐op.

I need, uh, some whole blood and some sedation.

I give the orders here, Captain.

Let's get him into pre‐op.

We need some whole blood and sedation.

I wish I'd said that.

‐What have we got? ‐Grenade fragments.

Checkpoint just down the road.

We almost bought it ourselves, sir.

Oh, we did not.

This one's an enemy infiltrator.

Now, be careful. He could be rigged.

Right. His shorts could go off any second.

Listen, bub, I almost got killed out there.

All right, Major.

Don't get your clusters in an uproar.

Move 'em.

Uh. Put me down. That's an order.

All right.

What's the problem, Colonel?

I demand transportation to the 121st Evac Hospital.

This is where you want your surgery.

You're at the best MASH unit in Korea.

Give or take a few thumbs.

I don't want that man touching me.

‐We met. ‐He outdid himself in rudeness.

Thanks, Frank.

Get started on the Korean.

‐Someone got a sedative for this man? ‐Yes, sir.

Well, why do I have to work on the Korean?

I mean, he always gets the cowboys,

and I'm stuck with the Indians.

I'm one‐fourth Cherokee.

Oh.

How.

What are you doing back there?

Stealing a smoke.

Let's lower his pants.

I'll have your butt for this.

Seems only fair.

He'd sink to the bottom of the pool with that in him.

‐(clank) ‐I hear ticking.

Yeah? Did you check his navel

for a time bomb, Frank?

Don't think I didn't, fella.

Uh, give me a knife.

What are you doing?

Extending the incision.

Uh, have a large rib retractor ready.

After I, uh, retract the lung, you'll see why.

Shrapnel in the heart muscle.

A simple rearrangement of God's handiwork

by explosives.

Oh, pipe down, will ya?

He's dying as quietly as he can, Frank.

Suction here.

Can't trust any of these people.

‐More here. ‐Treacherous, deceitful.

Pickups with teeth.

And clever, boy.

They don't all look alike by accident, you know.

Good.

Very good.

6‐year‐old cuts into a box of Cracker Jacks

to find the prize...

and the next thing he knows, he's a surgeon.

A crackerjack surgeon.

Nice of you to write this letter for me, Captain.

I plaster hands and cement relations.

Dear who?

Uh, Hillda. That's with two L's.

Captain Hunnicutt, one of the docs here,

is writing this letter for me‐‐

Slow down.

My dictation cost me my last eight jobs.

Oh.

...because my right hand is out of action.

Better?

Go on.

Where do I take it from there?

War is a time of loneliness and deprivation

‐for a soldier. ‐Ah, I like that.

And for the wife he leaves behind.

But I see you kicked the loneliness habit,

and you ain't been so deprived, either.

Try again.

When I read your letter,

naturally I was hurt.

‐To the quick. ‐Yeah. There, too.

Nine years I gave that woman love, trust, and devotion,

and how does she pay me back? She cheats on me.

Easy. The class theme is forgiveness.

Forgive her? Forget it.

I made that woman a queen.

Whatever she wanted‐‐

hi‐fi, a beaver coat, her own bowling shoes.

I sent her brother through college.

I paid for every tooth in her mother's head.

You're clearly a humanitarian, Sergeant.

One more humane act.

Humane? I'll show you humane.

Don't. The right hand got away with it.

The left one goes to the stockade.

Yeah. Where was I?

Try this.

You're a beautiful woman, Hillda,

and a lovely wife,

and I very much want to spare you any more pain.

Eh, I don't know about that.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, Captain Hunnicutt.

Captain Hunnicutt, please report to the hospital.

Major Burns probably taped himself to a patient again.

‐We'll finish later. ‐Yeah, right.

Whatever she wanted:

a charm bracelet, steam iron,