Blue Mountain State: The Rise of Thadland

Hi, I'm Alex.

I play football for the greatest college in the world,

Blue Mountain State University.

We excel at three things here,

science, social awareness and...

I'm kidding. It's a straight party school,

no one goes to class here.

This is Sammy, he's my best friend.

That's Donnie, he likes to drink.

Harmon, he likes drugs.

Mary Jo, she's a cheerleader.

This is Larry.

Ah, what can we say about Larry? I don't know. We'll think about it.

That's our coach. He's legendary.

Oh, and this is Thad.

He was our team captain.

Great football player,

terrible person.

He just graduated and I couldn't be happier,

because this is my senior year.

Without question,

this is going to be the greatest year of my life.

They call him the fifty million dollar man!

Last month was the NFL Draft where Thad Castle of Blue Mountain State was selected.

Number one overall, a pick that was widely regarded to be enormously risky.

Now is he the most naturally gifted linebacker we've seen since Lawrence Taylor?

Yes.

Is he also the least naturally gifted when it comes to making decisions,

off the field?

An even bigger yes.

I'm Dhani Jones here with Thad Castle

to discuss his new fame and fortune.

Thad Castle, thanks for being here.

You're welcome for having me.

Thad, let's just get right into it,

multi-million dollar contract.

- Peanuts. - Fifty million dollar signing bonus.

Peanuts.

Are you calling fifty million dollars

peanuts?

It's a good start,

but honestly, I expected to be making billions.

With a "B"?

No.

With a dollar sign.

Thad, what are you gonna do with all this money?

Probably just...

Make myself happy.

Like the other day, I was feeling so down. I almost cried.

I went out and bought 97 guns.

I love guns.

I got a pistol, a machine gun, a Call of Duty gun,

a Halo gun.

And I got a tank.

I got this one gun that just shoots for 45 seconds, straight.

Oh, also, I bought a zoo.

I got wolves and giraffes,

I got monkeys.

- Mountain lions. - Woah!

Saber tooth tigers. I mean, I figure what the hell?

If Matt Damon can buy a zoo,

So can Thad Castle.

How do you like them apples?

I also got a dinosaur.

It's the, ah, the big monster one with horns growing out of its face.

A rhinoceros?

What?

With the horn, a rhinoceros.

The dinosaur.

Yeah.

I got one.

Thad, talk to me about Alex Moran.

There's a lot of talk questioning his ability to lead the...

- Mountain Goat team. - Oh, ask me about my shoes.

Hey, well, tell me about your shoes.

They're called "Thadinators."

They're like Jordan's, but in mine,

you can run higher and jump faster.

Isn't it a run faster and jump higher.

We're still working on our slogan.

So which company is making these shoes?

Uh, mine does...

- Uh, Thad Company. - Thad Company.

It's the same company that makes my hats,

and waterproof shirts,

and condoms.

And also the same company that makes this

Hall of Fame jacket you haven't even asked me about yet.

Don't you think you should wait until you get to the Hall of Fame

before you wear a jacket like that?

Oh, yeah. Don't you think you should wait,

till you get in the Hall of Fame?

Waiting is for pussies.

Well, there you have it.

Thad, meet the world...

Hey sloots, say "hi" to the world.

Hey, world.

World, meet Thad Castle.

And we're out.

Somebody get my chopper!

Blue 16.

Blue 16.

Hey, O'Brien!

I'm pretty sure if that ball was an STD you would've caught it!

Sorry, coach.

- Good throw. - Thanks, coach.

Let us go home.

- What? What'd you say? - Hmm?

- Another? You want me to throw another one? - No.

- I could throw another one. - Second team,

get second team in there.

Second team! Let's go, let's go!

Then all at once I was shot out into the light like a cannon ball.

Anyway, that's how I got my kicking shoe out of that elephant's asshole.

Somebody's got to talk to coach about these four-hour practices.

This is killing me.

No. We need them.

Season's right around the corner.

I gotta be honest with you guys. It doesn't matter how much extra practice we have,

we aren't going to do well this year.

We're terrible.

Whoa, we're not gonna be that bad man.

We've got you and your arm,

we've got my kicking leg and we've got Donnie's...

Hmm-mmm.

- I wanna say muscles? - That'll work.

But three people can't carry this team.

No. Right now is our time to party.

Right now.

It's just...

I mean look at Sammy.

He's been hammered since 10:00 am.

He's doing it right.

Hey, Sammy!

Hi, buddy, how you doing?

I got fucking hammered last night.

I don't know what he's saying right now.

- Do you understand that? - I don't know what he's saying.

He's so hammered.

Sammy.

You're doing it all wrong.

I know you're drunk but you're fucking it up for all of us.

It's not even me.

It's the fucking goddamn goat. He's a fucking asshole.

He's a goat. You're a human person.

There's no rivalry here.

Ouch!

What the fuck, he just bit me!

He did not just bite you.

Billy would never bite anyone...

- Aw. - Aw.

He did. He fucking bit me!

Yeah, fucking go pet him,

you little piece of shit!

Okay, coach Summers, round them up.

Round them up, like, here?

Yes, right here! Round them up.

So he said, "At least it wasn't a reach around."

Ha, ha, ha, ha, okay.

Joke time's over. I need you guys to round up.

It's too weird.

I'm sorry, it's Coach Summers now.

And I need you guys to round up.

Hey, can I try your hat on?

- I've always wanted to wear... - No, don't take my hat!

Give me back...

- All right, I'll give you your hat back. - I need my playbook.

- Give me that. - Hey!

Quit screwing around! Round up!

God!

You don't bone tag your coach!

All right now listen up.

You all know the cheerleaders.

They helped me prepare a little cheer.

Especially for you guys.

You ready?

Oh.

It's kind of catchy.

Great practice today, champ.

Oh, my God,

I do not want to talk about practice.

Yeah, neither do I. I actually need some advice from you. And it's about a girl.

I've seen the girls you get with, Mary Jo.

I should be taking advice from you.

No, this one's different.

She's not some brainiac PHD like I usually go for.

- Okay. - She's dumb as rocks like you usually go for.

But she's so fun. It's...

Really nice.

Okay, well, my advice,

you should bring her by the Goat House.

That's the advice from Alex Moran, king of BMS?

- Yes. - Bring her to a house?

Well, it's not just a house.

- It's just a house. - It's not just a house.

- It's just a house. - It worked on you,

freshman year.

Fine.

Maybe it worked on one smart girl.

It's like an aphrodisiac.