Raising Hope

Dinner!

Ooh, I love international taco night.

Virginia: We have... French fries, Greek yogurt,

Canadian bacon, Chinese noodles,

Italian sausage, American cheese,

and from the country of Chile, chili.

Kind of just seems like we're eating all the food

in the fridge that was about to go bad.

Yes, but in a taco shell.

This is like the buffet at the United Nations

without all the grab-ass.

Hope, look, these noodles

were made all the way in China by little girls the same age as you.

You know, in China

they actually eat a completely different kind of noodle than we have here.

I don't want to sound racist, but I kind of think all Chinese noodles look alike.

Yeah. I'm just saying.

My family used to travel a lot when I was a kid.

China, Argentina, Australia...

When I was a kid, I learned to keep my mouth shut

and not be such an annoying know-it-all.

You know, we went on a lot of trips when I was little, too.

I should, uh, show you the vacation photos after dinner.

Uh, that's a terrible idea.

Nobody likes to look at other people's vacation photos.

Besides, those pictures don't exist anymore.

Yeah. They melted in a...

Strangely contained shelf fire?

Are you sure?

I thought I saw them a couple days ago.

Uh...

Are these supposed to be hard or soft shell tacos?

That's a napkin, Maw Maw.

What will those Mexicans think of next?

Mmm.

Season 4, Episode 3 "Ship Happens"

And that is when we went to Lake World.

Oh, man, the catfish show was amazing.

Look at you, all tuckered out.

Oh, and this is when we went skiing in Vermont.

We stayed in this big cabin next to Ben and Jerry.

No, not the ice cream guys, just a gay couple on vacation.

You're asleep again.

Yeah, I always used to get carsick on vacations

so my parents would give me medicine

and it would make me kind of drowsy.

We had to choose between a puker and a sleeper.

We chose sleeper.

Hey, not to change the subject,

but is it just me, or is there a lot more Velcro on stuff lately?

Yeah, what is this brown stain in the sky?

Storm cloud.

I'm starting to get a weird feeling in my stomach.

There's a rip in the side of this mountain.

Of course there is.

That's Rip Mountain.

Oh, my God. These are all fake.

Fine. Some of them are fake. But the first one's real.

When you were little, all the other kids

were bragging about going to Lake World, so we took you.

But you got carsick, so we gave you medicine.

Not only did it knock you out for the drive,

you slept through the whole day.

And the next morning, all you could talk about

was what a great time you had at Lake World.

So we figured, why stop there?

Why not give you great memories of seeing the whole country?

Drink up, honey. It's a long drive to Hawaii.

Once you were in dreamland,

we'd just drive across town to the dumpster behind the photography studio.

I did landscaping nearby,

so every time I saw them throw out a backdrop,

we knew it was vacation time.

We went everywhere.

We gave Jimmy the greatest imaginary childhood a kid could have.

So you're telling me I never used the toilet that Elvis died on?

I mean, I still brag about that!

Shh. It's okay, Jimmy. It's okay. It's all water under the Brooklyn Bridge.

Which we now know you never actually saw.

The important thing is that we're gonna work harder for Hope.

We worked pretty hard.

I just mean we're gonna take her on a real vacation.

Oh. A "real" vacation.

Good luck with that on two grocery baggers' salaries.

Ah.

It doesn't have to be fancy, as long as we're together.

- And awake. - It's not worth it.

Family vacations just get everybody out of sync.

She's right.

It's nothing but driving and sunburns and a whole lot of fighting.

How would you know? You never took us anywhere.

- See? We're already fighting. - Pretty soon we're gonna be sunburned.

Maybe we didn't give Jimmy real vacations.

But we gave him real memories.

And that's all kids remember from vacations anyway...

Is memories.

And now all Jimmy's memories are ruined. Thank you, Helen Keller.

I don't think that's who you think it is.

- Yeah, the girl detective. - You're thinking of Amelia Earhart.

Nancy Drew. You're thinking of Nancy Drew.

- Doesn't ring a bell. - It's not important.

The fact is, Jimmy was happy, well-traveled and ignorant,

and you just took away two of those things.

I hate to think your mother is right,

but all the vacations in here cost thousands of dollars.

Have you looked into a Cougar Cruise?

It's three nights on the Caribbean. It's pretty wild.

Frank, we're trying to plan a family vacation, not have sex with older women.

No, these are actual live cougars.

You sail the high seas with them.

It's loosely based off that hilarious movie Life of Pi.

But it is a cruise,

so... there are a lot of older women, if you're into that.

Check this out.

I mean, it's no cougar cruise , but at least it's still a boat trip.

- "Travel and Make Money." - Oh, that sounds cool.

You know what else is cool?

Not talking about the awesome trips you're gonna take

in front of someone you haven't invited.

Yet.

Guess what. You guys were wrong.

Sabrina found us a great vacation.

- Shh. - Shh.

Can't you see we're doing a teeth cleaning?

If you startle Maw Maw awake, one of us could lose a finger.

Hey, look.

It's the little iron from the Monopoly set.

We haven't played in over a year.

We should really floss her more often.

We came over here to invite you guys on a real family vacation.

One that will take place outside of an alley and nowhere near a dumpster.

Let me check my calendar.

- Pass. You guys have fun.

We got our paradise right here.

Look, it's a game board bonanza.

Think I found Colonel Mustard's candlestick.

No. That's just a filling.

You guys sure you don't want to go on this vacation with us?

Look, this rich Vanderklam family

is paying us 500 bucks to go sail their boat

down the river to the Fulton Marina.

Then we're gonna use that money

on two nights at a hotel and train tickets back to Natesville.

- You thinking what I'm thinking? - Boat sex?

Excuse me? Did you just say "boat sex"?

We've got this whole "transportation sex" checklist we're plowing through.

Ooh, a plow!

- Is that even on the list? - It is now. (chuckles)

This all started years ago when your mom and I snuck a ride on a bus.

We should wait for a bumpy section of highway

and let the road do all the work.

You're so smart.

Thanks, Dale.

Well, uh...

I was hoping that you'd want to come with to be part of our family memories.

Oh, definitely. We're in.

We are gonna have front-row seats for this vacation disaster.

Okay, that's it. Get the pickle.

Oh...

That's how Paw Paw used to wake me up.

Of course, his pickle was smaller and smelled a lot worse.

Hi.

Uh, we're here to take the Vanderklams' boat to the Fulton Marina.

: Oh... I like how you dressed the part.

It's not often you see folks get so decked out

just to tow a boat down the highway.

We're towing it?

We... Are you kidding me?

I thought we were gonna take it out on the water.

And I thought Jimmy Buffett was a good role model.

Have a great trip.

Aw, man.

Bet carsick medicine sounds real good now.

You two just give the signal and it's nighty-night juice all around.

Now, on the flyer, the boat is clearly not on a trailer.

It's highly misleading.

Well, nothing like this ever happened when we took Jimmy on vacations.

Nothing happened because being unconscious is not a vacation.

I beg to differ.

Now, it looks like there's a Stuffed Animal Museum right on the way,

and that'd be a great memory for Hope.

Burt and I will ride on the boat. Just to give you two some privacy.

I'll grab the champagne and the boombox out of the back of the car, we'll set sail.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no. No one is allowed in the boat.

- Didn't you read the contract? - Oh, yeah, I read every word.

That's why my daughter's wearing a snorkel on a road trip.

Is there anything else I might've missed?

If you don't get the boat there by 4:00 p.m., you forfeit half the money.

Right. So that means we had to leave, what?

30 minutes ago?

- Everyone get in the car. - Go, go, go, go, go!

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Sorry.

Can we please stop the car, Sabrina? We've been holding it for five hours.

We're supposed to be holding it?

- That's news to me. - Me, too.

We're gonna stop at the next gas station.

That's what you said about the last five gas stations.

The next gas station that has room for a boat to go in and out of it.

Just hang in there. It looks like there's one coming up in about a mile.

Hey, the Stuffed Animal Museum's coming up in about a mile.