No Alternative

Tell me about your experience the other day at school.

I was hanging out before first period

when for some reason I started focusing on this girl

and how she was breathing.

It sounded like bagpipes.

Like a big bag of bagpipes just squeezing itself.

It's like I needed to hear her fat breaths, so that I could breathe myself.

You know...

Then, something snapped.

My legs fell out from underneath me.

I was like on a rollercoaster, Freefall at Six Flags.

Everyone was looking at me.

So I ran into the bathroom and into the cafeteria and started crying.

It didn't stop for the next three classes.

What inspired you to emerge?

I don't know.

I want you to try this.

It should help with the social unease.

You can take it with the Prozac, it shouldn't be a problem.

Fucking hell.

Can you play softer?

Not really, loud is kind of the point.

Your mother has tinnitus.

You have one hour.

Turn that shit back up, man.

Elbows.

So, Bill. Tell us about work.

I had kind of an interesting arraignment this week.

The defendant, a Dina Rangerajan

is being accused of attempted murder.

Apparently, the woman and her husband, Vikram,

were playing a game that the prosecution

referred to as "kind of kinky".

In the game, one of the players would be blindfolded and handcuffed,

and would have to guess what object was touching them.

When it came time for him to be handcuffed and blindfolded

Rangerajan stabbed him twice in the chest with a paring knife.

-Jesus. -Oh no, it gets a lot better.

She puts him in the car, insisting of course that it was an accident,

drives him to the hospital, but doesn't go into the emergency room.

No, she parks around the block and then stabs him again,

this time puncturing his heart.

-What the fuck? -Bridget.

When the police question her, she tells them

that the husband came home, and he was already stabbed.

But then the cops tell her that Vikram is still alive,

and he told everyone about the game and the stabbings.

-Pretty crazy. -Yeah, well what's really crazy,

the guy ends up living and now he's defending her in court,

saying that she has bipolar disorder and it's not her fault.

May I be excused?

Sure.

Anyway, I set bail at $500,000.

Any plans tonight, Thomas?

Just hanging around Bronxville.

How's your application to Georgetown going?

It's good.

Have you sent them all the materials they require?

Mr. Macron sent his recommendation this morning.

Good. Good.

I'm at the Beasty Boys concert in the Pit,

and she's flicking her hair around me, she's sticking her ass up all on my junk,

next thing I know I'm in her parents bedroom on fucking 5th Avenue.

- Were her parents home? - Who knows where the hell they were,

but they should've been. You know those warning stickers on CDs?

There should've been one on this girl.

Parental advisory, your daughter is a fucking whore.

- Douche? - Yeah, it is vanilla, toasted.

-I'm going to take a piss. - Breaking the seal already?

-You're going to be pissing all night. -

Douche bag, I hope your piss burns!

So, you're that dark loner who comes to parties and doesn't talk to anyone?

Dude, you don't know how many girls I get doing this.

-What's the song? - One of mine.

Ever thought about joining a band?

-I'm looking for a singer. -Do we know each other?

You're in my English class, right?

Oh yes. Well, here's some English for you.

Guys, I barely know how to play this thing.

That doesn't stop most of the bands we like.

I can teach you as you go along, man.

I have a song that's four chords.

-That's just what we need. -It's one too many if you ask me.

It's a love song, call it "Chumin".

A love song about chum?

Chum is what love carves you into after it's over.

-I kind of like it. -Yeah.

And then I changed it up in the verse.

I think I might have a good intro.

You're home early.

- -Yeah.

The lady that stabbed her husband,

I didn't think she'd make bail, but she did.

I put a restraining order on her, but...

Last night she went home and stabbed her husband and her daughters to death.

Jesus Christ.

The family is sending in a lawsuit,

they're blaming me and my quote, "Premature decision to let this troubled woman free".

I'm so sorry.

What one crazy person does is not your fault.

Right.

What are we going to tell the kids?

We'll tell them what we always tell them.

Tell them the truth.

I don't think that's a good idea.

Is Bridget having dinner?

She said she's not hungry.

I think she should sit at the table.

Let it be, Bill.

No. No, I will not let it be. Goddammit!

Your father had a bad day.

No shit.

Please come down to dinner.

-What? -Please come down to dinner.

Fuck that.

You pay a price for that.

I loved those headphones, they were like a part of my head.

Well, not anymore.

Well, Thomas. How was your day?

Had to be better than yours.

Guys, check my move.

-You guys got a great crowd. - Yes.

We didn't get a great crowd. Opening for "The Incinerators" got us the good crowd.

-Zack's brother is the bassist. - Dude, that's awesome.

-Nepotism, so anti-establishment. -Ain't it, though?

Why did you bring me to this shit hole if you were just going to leave?

Maybe the fucking shit hole is you, and I don't want to hang out anymore.

-So, where are you going? -So I'm fucking leaving.

-What is your deal? -Don't fucking touch me.

Yo. Hey, bro, it's about time you got here.

This show's so fucking lame.

Hey, chill out, my brother's a black belt in jiu-jitsu.

Him?

Yes. Me.

Let's get out of here.

You are a waste of fucking time.

Fuck off. Oh, shit.

-Thank you so much, man. I owe you one. -Yes, no problem.

They're about to go on, you want to go in?

Yeah.

You want to check out the other bands, dude?

You want to go for a drive? Maybe get some beers?

-You got a car? -Yes.

Yes. Sure. Don't worry about your friends.

Okay. Charlie, don't cross her.

I'm Thomas.

I'm Jackie.

Are you all right?

I'm better than all right.

Shit. Fuck. Get dressed.

Jesus.

-Hi, officer. - License and registration.

Step out of the car.

Hands on the car. Any weapons in there, miss?

No, Chris and I were just having fun.

All right. At ease, son. You can turn around.

Mr. Thomas Harrison.

Any relation to judge William Harrison?

Do you know him?

Sure. Voted for him. Twice.

-Never heard of him. - Of course you haven't.

You know, he's in some hot water. Should have never released that crazy cunt.

I don't think it was her vagina that was crazy.

You're right. Sorry, pardon me, miss.

Have a good night.

Fucking asshole.

Bronxville cops suck the biggest dicks.

Okay. Pull over right here. Try to be quiet if you can.

-Is this where you live? -No, it's a friend's house. She left the back door unlocked.

Her parents are clueless.

Can I call you?

Hey...

- - Thomas, wake up. You have to drive your sister.

You have to drive your sister to school, I already told you this.

School? On a Sunday?

She's running a booth at the Fall Festival. Come on.

So, what's this booth you're running?

Kissing booth.

- Oh, really? -No.

Just something dumb from our class.

-Sounds fun. -Not even close.

You can take my place if you want.

You know these girls?