Mom

- Previously on Mom... - Oh, my God, what?

I'm in the middle of a tennis lesson.

My mom just got arrested,

and I need to borrow two grand for bail.

God, Christy, you gambled Adam's money?

I did.

So then I called Jill.

And you gambled Jill's money, too?

Uh, this past week, I gambled away $4,000 of my friends' money

and stranded my mom in a jail cell.

Oh, Jill. I've got some more of the money that I owe you.

Payment number three.

Thank you, Christy.

Only 37 to go.

_

Oh, there's a 12:30 matinee about the aliens who...

- No. - Ooh, how 'bout the two women who

- realize they're dating the same man? - No.

- There's the new Tom... - No.

- Oh, wait a minute. Hanks or Cruise? - Hanks.

- No. - Cruise?

No.

How 'bout the one where the daughter is so desperate

for quiet, she beats her mother with a law book?

I don't like documentaries.

Come on, we'll argue about the movie on the way.

Hey, has anyone kidnapped a member

of Liam Neeson's family lately?

I wish. Not till Christmas.

Uh, Tammy, what are you doing?

Oh, my ChapStick rolled under the bookcase,

so I pulled it out and spotted a stain here.

Full disclosure, I found a dollar.

Anyway, it looks like water damage.

Yeah, that's why we keep the bookcase there.

In fact, every piece of furniture

in here is hiding something.

You think we wanted to put a desk over there?

But water damage could be serious.

I'm sure it is, but when I paint over it,

it goes away for six months.

Okay, we're going to a movie.

Oh, thanks, I can't come.

- Oh, that's too bad. - Maybe next time.

All right, have fun.

Do you need to do that?

Sure do. Checking for water damage.

It's the silent killer.

Not very silent.

Listen, can you hear the different tones?

All I hear is me flunking out of law school.

Might be some mold, too.

Could explain your headaches.

I don't have headaches.

Really? So you just make that face for no reason?

Look, I know you just want to help out,

and we appreciate it, but I'm trying to study.

Roger that. Pursuit of the dream.

Man, this wall's like cottage cheese.

Whoops.

Oh, my God,

get your hand out of there.

Oh!

Are you sure you don't have headaches?

'Cause there's that face again.

I don't usually like action movies,

but that was kind of fun.

Eh, they lost me with the so-called stunts.

"It was all computer graphics."

It was all computer graphics.

I mean, in my day,

when you fought on the wing of a jet fighter,

you really fought on the wing of a jet fighter.

Did you do that?

Well, not while it was moving.

That'd be too dangerous.

Ooh, that guy's getting a neck tattoo.

Is it the word "mistake"?

Hey, check it out, Grandma and Grandpa are getting inked.

Were they talking about us?

Do you see their grandparents around?

Hey! Hey, we're not that old.

And pull up your pants.

Why don't you just call him "whippersnapper"?

Screw them. We're still cool.

You know what? Let's get tattoos.

Why? The mean boys are gone.

Not for them, for us. Come on. Tell me it's not on your bucket list.

I-I don't really need a tattoo. I got ice cream.

Please? His and her tattoos. It'll be so romantic.

Or we could go home and make love.

Eh.

And now Tammy's got the whole wall torn apart.

It's like the world's saddest home remodeling show.

Ta-da, it's still a dump.

Between us, she scares me.

- Really? She loves you. - Aw, she's the best.

Anyway,

study here as long as you like.

Thanks. Tammy said it's only gonna be a couple of days.

Oh, honey, I know how construction goes.

Whether it's new boobs or a new bathroom,

it always takes longer and hurts way more than they tell you.

Well, this is amazing.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, don't sit down yet.

The second foot towel isn't in place. Belinda?

Flying in.

Oh, I-I think I can scrape by with one foot towel.

One would think.

Anything else, ma'am?

Just the blueberry blend that I asked for 20 minutes ago.

Isn't she great?

It's like I got Mary Poppins bringing me smoothies.

You need anything?

No, just some quiet.

Yeah, well, this is a perfect place to work.

Read a book out here once.

Turns out Rob Lowe had a hard life.

Oh, my God.

What are these towels made of, kittens?

Enjoy. Now, if you'll excuse me,

I got to go change.

For what? It's 2:00.

I'm so glad we're doing this.

Me, too. This is super fun.

You almost done back there?

No, just finishing the B in "Bonnie."

Are you kidding? I need a break.

A-And can I have another juice?

Come on, you big wuss. I thought you were tough.

This hurts.

Yeah, but it hurts so good.

Okay. All done.

Take a look.

"Adam" in a big old heart.

That's it. We can never break up.

No, seriously.

I can't be a middle-aged woman

limited to guys named Adam.

Bonnie, don't worry, I... Ow!

What happened to three, two, one?

Crab roll, how do you plead?

Guilty of being delicious.

Mm, another smoothie, nice.

I could get used to this.

Don't. I'm going home soon,

and Jill doesn't know how to use the blender.

How's the studying going?

Wow.

Which part?

The part that's making me squint.

That's the Bavarian cut crystals.

You're the first person to see me in it, so you're welcome.

I do feel kind of special.

Guess how much it cost.

Oh, we'll be here all day.

$3,284.

I'm sorry, what?

I know it's a bit much, but I'm a bit much.

Oh, good. You know.

Well, I'll let you get back to your books.

Oh, I almost forgot.

It's the first of the month. Do you have something for me?

Um, a "welcome to November" hug?

No, I'm talking about the money you owe me.

Oh. Wait, you want it now?

Well, that's the payment plan we agreed on.

$75, first of every month.

But if you don't have the cash, you can just bring it tomorrow.

I mean, I don't have any pockets on this thing anyway.

Right, got it. I mean, I don't got it.

But maybe by tomorrow, I'll get it and then I'll give it to you.

Okeydokey. Oh... thumbprint.

Got to go Windex my tummy.

Did she really just ask me for 75 bucks?

She did.

While she's wearing a $3,000 chandelier?

Yes, indeed.

God, rich people can be so...

Shh. There are cameras everywhere.

My tattoo is still burning. Is yours burning?

Like a wildfire. Isn't it great?

No. Burning is bad.

That's the whole premise of hell.

Come here, let me see how yours turned out.

Wait, uh, they say you should

keep it covered for at least 24 hours.

Yeah. They also say you shouldn't put Q-tips

in your ears, but I ride that high every morning.

What the hell is "Bo"? Where's the rest of "Bonnie"?

What? I always call you Bo.

- Since when? - Since forever, Bo.

Unbelievable. You wimped out.

Wimped out? I didn't even want to do it in the first place.

Whoa, wait. Are we in the wrong apartment?

Where's the wall?

- Don't worry, boss. I'm fixing it. - Why'd you break it?

Water broke it. Powerful thing, water.

Created the Grand Canyon, Niagara Falls, the moon.

Aw, Tammy.