Moone Boy

Spring had finally sprung in Boyle,

bringing with it slightly lighter rain,

off-grey clouds and a tiny reduction Lemsip usage.

But to fill the gap, the whole Moone house

was infected with matrimonial fever

Is this wedding not over yet? When do we get cake?

Fidelma's big day was a week away

and the bride-to-be was a sprightly eight months pregnant.

Although, judging by her appetite, Martin suspected that this baby

was, in fact some kind of giant tapeworm...

Which would soon emerge to wreak havoc on them all

Stop feeding me pasta! I'm intolerant to gluten!

Perfect!

- What's this for? - A hen party.

Pink tops. Mad. We'll all wear them. It'll be gas.

We're having a hen party?

- But I kind of have plans. - Eating isn't plans, love.

I think you're right, Delma. There's no need for all these silly old rituals.

Hen parties, weddings...

Will you stop? I'm marrying Dessie.

I just want you to know there's no pressure.

Ireland's changing. It's the '90s. Nobody cares if you're married or not.

There's no prejudices, no stigmatas. We're an enlightened people now.

A bunch of travellers moved next door. Just had a big friendly fight with them.

- What? - Travellers!

- Travellers? - Tractors!

Sorry, it was hard to hear down there. Is the big tapeworm gone?

Travellers!

Wow. Real travellers.

I wonder what faraway lands they've travelled from.

Yeah. Oh, they're license plate says Limerick.

Do you think they speak English?

Um...

Kind of.

Do you want a lift, girls? I've remixed the drive-to-school album.

Added a 10-minute tambourine solo that will blow your mind.

Oh, actually, uh, smoking.

Don't wanna hurt the baby.

Good thinking. How about you, Sinead?

I'm, uh, second-hand smoking which could also hurt the baby.

You're the best aunties ever.

So long, dudes.

Everyone, this is Majella,

who's joining us from the traveller community.

So, please make her feel very welcome, all right?

Yes, Sister.

Not a gypsy.

Now, everyone sit quietly until Ms Tansey returns from the water closet.

I really like her earrings.

She's got attitude.

I like it. She looks dangerous.

So, where are you travelling to?

- Huh? - Like, what's your final destination?

- Don't have one. - Now, that's real freedom, buddy.

Look at her. She's like a wild boar.

Just running free, snuffling truffles.

Actually, I think those are Padraic's Rancheros.

Thanks for the crisps.

What's mine is yours.

Sorry, I'm late for rehearsals, dudes.

Had to drop the old mother and child off at school. I'm like Joseph.

Except, I did actually impregnate her.

- Morning, Dessie. - Ah! Morning, Father.

Listen. Just a quick query about next week regarding the wedding party.

It's going to be some party, all right.

Yes. But just in terms of the people involved.

Now, Delma's sister, Trish, is maid of honour,

but I've no details for your side.

Eh, do you have anybody in mind for best man?

Well, actually, I was kind of hoping

you might do me the honour yourself, Father.

Excuse me?

Will you be my best man?

- Me? - Well, we are best buds.

Are we?

You didn't know we were best friends?

What, no, no... I knew that we were best friends.

It's just...

We've never actually met outside of the church.

We've had some good times in here, all right.

We have. Mad, mad times.

The thing is... I'm doing the Mass.

I'm marrying you. I can't be best man...

Ah, Father, it's just a bit of multi-tasking.

You're well able for it.

Sure, Jesus was a leader. But he was also a carpenter, wasn't he?

I know my best man won't let me down.

Or my priest.

Or my best-man-priest.

All right, peeps. Let's hit it.

Look, I'm sure this will all work out fine.

Right!

Nice to have a bit of multi-culturalism in the area.

The main thing is not to make a big hoo-ha out of it.

I mean, we're not those kind of stuck up people.

Exactly.

What's Martin's bike doing inside?

Oh, that's just in case it rains.

Yeah, good idea. It's not rust-proof.

Hmm.

- Is the lawn mower rust-proof? - No. I'll bring that in, too.

No, Majella, we talked about this. The dog can't come in the school.

Tato goes everywhere with me.

Yes. But, not to school, Majella. Tato will have to stay at your house.

- Don't have a house. - Um, that's right.

Well, whatever you have, then.

Ha-ha! You've no house.

No. But, I have a gun.

Ah, don't mind them, Majella.

Travellers have always had to deal with the ignorance of laypeople.

- That's right. - I bet Columbus got teased a lot,

before he discovered Australia.

Africa!

Thanks, Moone.

That's some good groundwork, big shot.

Of all the useless fields in Roscommon,

they end up picking the one next to your house.

- This is it. - In a way, it's flattering.

- Aye, in a way. Yeah. - Such a rich history.

- The travelling community. - Such a rich history, you're right.

Their traditions and their language and stuff.

I mean, I respect it all so much.

- So much. - I almost respect it too much.

- Me, too. - Me, too. Yeah.

So, are you going to wait until they're out and then burn down the caravans?

What?

- No! - Bet that's what ends up happening.

- He's right. - They burn them down.

No, no, no, lads. I'm really fine with them being there.

I mean, who cares if it's not their land?

Free land is for the free.

Who am I to stop the travelling man from sowing his seed?

- Yeah. He's right. - Yeah. Yeah.

Are you going to call the cops on them, though?

Oh, God, I'd love to, but I'm just afraid they'd find out it was me.

Jesus Christ.

Hello. Is that the Guards? Yeah. Listen.

A bunch of travellers are after moving into a field

beside Liam Moone's house,

who I'm unacquainted with, but something has to be done about it.

- That's right, Liam. Put your foot down. - Is that you, Liam?

No, this is an anonymous caller.

I haven't talked to you in yonks.

How's things? Are you still playing the handball?

You had such a natural talent for it.

Oh, thanks, Pat. No!

- He nearly gave it away. - No, this isn't Mr Moone.

This is a concerned citizen.

- I don't even... - Man of a thousand voices, isn't he?

- I'm foreign person. - Oh, you're from Galway or something?

Hey, Liam.

No, I'm Portuguese.

- How we doing, Father? - Ah, good, good.

Just seeing if Liam's free tomorrow night.

I can't tell you my name 'cause it's an anonymous call.

I'm doing a "stags" party for Dessie. We're a bit short on stags.

I'm sure he'd be well up for that.

Oh, really? Oh, great.

- Okay, my name is Julio. - Oh, Julio, that's a nice name.

What about yourselves? Will you come, too?

Will there be free drink?

There will be a certain amount of free drink, yes.

- There with bells on, Father. - God bless you.

Well, just get rid of the fecking travellers, then, all right?

Making prank calls, Liam?

No, Father. We were just calling the...

Yeah, he was just calling the...

Some, eh, some sex lines.

Oh, right. Anyway, I'd better go. See you tomorrow, stags.

All right, see you then, Father.

Wait, what?

So, the priest is going to be his best man.

So, bridesmaids, beware.

- Where's the sugar? - The hen night is going to be a hoot.

Linda's hired The Chicken Dales.

- You mean, The Chippendales. - Nah. We can't afford them.

The Chicken Dales are some part-time strippers

from the slaughter house in Castlerea.

Why is there a wheel barrow in my bedroom?

Was that not always there?

Wait. This whole place is filled with stuff from outside.

Well, we're just trying a new laundry system.

Ever since the travellers moved in, you've been emptying out the garden.

Yeah...

Because tornado season has started.

- It's a temperate climate, old man. - Bloody school.

So, why is our back garden completely empty?

- OMFG. - OMFG?

Open my flipping guts! There's a donkey in our back garden.

What?

Why is there a lawn mower in my wardrobe?

Now, you listen to me, mister. My garden is not a bloody petting zoo.

I know my rights, and they include not living next to a fecking dump!

Who's mumbling out here?

Holy... Uh, I'm Liam Moone, uh... This is my place next door.

- Signs fellow? - Yeah.

- That's your employee there? - Oh, yeah.

No, he's all fingers and thumbs.

I found him in my back garden and I thought I'd bring him back to you.

Fair dos.