Two and a Half Men

Previously onTwo and a Half Men...

There is something I...

probably should've told you before we slept together.

Oh, God. Husband or herpes?

For the first 40 years of my life,

I was a man named Paul.

Wow.

Um... You don't look...

40. Oh...

I love Christmas in Malibu.

I just saw Santa Claus smoking a joint on the beach.

No, that's just Crazy Don.

He's a homeless guy with a beard who asks girls

to sit on his lap and try to find the North Pole.

This came for you.

I'm pretty sure it's from Jake.

He spelled "Malibu" M-A-L-I-B-O-O.

Oh. No,

actually, it's "Maliboobs."

He put little nipples on the O's.

I just can't get used to Christmas without him.

It's just not the same.

Remember how he used to screw up Christmas carols?

Oh, look. He sent a note.

Oh. Here we go. Uh...Oh...

"Hey, guys. Uh, sorry I can't be there.

"I am having a lot of fun in Japan."In Japan."

"Uh, Christmas is very commercial here.

"Sometimes I think they don't even remember

"it's Santa's birthday.

I hope you enjoy this little homemade holiday treat." Oh.

Aw, maybe he baked us cookies.

Mmm.

Oh, dear Lord, it's sushi.Oh!

Oh, man.

Well, at least he tried.

He packed 'em in ice.

Well, it's better than the time he sent us those Easter eggs.

Mmm.And that poor, poor bunny.

Looks like, uh, Jenny's Christmas present

And from the sounds of it last night,

it's a Scream My Name Elmo.JENNY: Hey,

guys, this is Brooke.

Um, Brooke, this is my uncle Alan,

and this is Walden.

Walden runs the Alan sanctuary.

Hi.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

Where did, uh, you two meet?

At my work.

Oh, and, uh, what do you do?

I'm an esthetician.

Ooh, an esthetician.Very impressive.

You have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

No. Zero.

How do I put this?

Do you guys like hairless vaginas?

Aw, yeah. Yeah.

Okay, there you go. That's what I do.

You know, waxing, tweezing, threading and plucking.

She plucked the hell out of me last night.

Ooh, and brought a whole new meaning to "ho, ho, ho."

Listen, you want to go get some breakfast?

Nah, I got to bounce. Thanks again.

See you.

Did I just get blown off?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. Big-time.

Well, no biggie.

I'll just go back to plucking myself.

I feel bad for her.

Do you remember the first time you were rejected by a woman?

Yeah. When the maternity nurse handed me to my mom.

Care for some mulled cider, mull-lady?

Oh... thanks,

but I can't. I take hormones,

and the acid in the cider makes my beard grow.

God, you are so lucky.

I wish I could grow a beard.

Oh. Look what else I have,Hmm?

a, uh, sprig of mistletoe.

Okay, great. Game's in overtime.

Mwah. Come on!

I had the craziest day at the mall today.

You heard me about the overtime, right?

You heard me about the mall, right?

Darn it.

Is everything okay down there?

Oh. My bad.

I got phantom nuts.

Hmm...

You can scratch mine if you want.

Hey, Paula,

I'm just... Oh, sorry.

I didn't realize you had company.

No, no. Come on in. Uh...

Rachel, this is Alan.

Alan, this is my ex-wife.

Oh. I, uh... I didn't know you were married.

Uh, then again, I didn't know you had a penis, so...

She lost them both at about the same time.

Nice to meet you, Alan.

Oh. You, too. It's really great that you guys are still friends.

Yeah. And thankfully the same shoe size.Oh.

By the way, those silver platforms that you lent me

really did a number on my back.

Oh, I'm sorry. But you're in luck.

Alan here is one of the top chiropractors

in Los Angeles.Well, I was named, uh,

one of the "Top Chiropractors to Watch"

by the Personal Injury Lawyer Trade Association.

Yeah, he's just

being modest. Last night,

he threw my back out. This morning, fixed it.

Oh...

Well, maybe I can come by your office.

Oh, well, uh, I-I closed my office.

Uh, I'm actually semi-retired.

Uh, I-I do philanthropic work

out in Malibu with a billionaire.

We, uh... we run a sanctuary.

What kind?

Uh, you know, the homeless,

unemployed middle-aged men, lesbian alcoholics, the usual.

Well, um, maybe you'd make a house call

if that's not too weird?

No weirder than me dating a dude.

Oh. Somebody's been sneaking the cider. What?

What? Really? Mmm. Mm-hmm.

Hey.

Hey.

Looks like someone's celebrating the 12 steps of Christmas.

Yeah, well, I've had a tough morning.

You want to talk about it?

Let's rap.

"Rap"?

You're like the creepy guidance counselor I had in high school.

"Tell me all about your lesbian experiences.

I can't help you unless I know every detail."

God, I hated her.

She was good in bed, though.

Really? Tell me about it.

I can't help you unless I know every detail.

Oh, come on. You're a relationship guy, right?

I don't know. I mean, I-I do believe

there is someone out there for everyone.

I'm just terrified that my someone is Alan.

So... how do you know

when you want to be in a relationship?

The first sign is that you start asking people,

"How do you know when you want to be in a relationship?"

Oh, God.

Sick of plucking yourself already?

Is it the, uh, girl from yesterday?

Yeah.

Brooke.

Why don't you just call her?

No. No. I'm the girl that gets called.

I don't do the calling.

Oh, my God, she gave you a fake number.

It's possible she lives in the back of a Mexican restaurant.

Hey, look, if you really like this girl,

look her up on Facebook and send her a message.

Oh, or... send her a picture of your boobs.

That's desperate.

Besides, she already has a picture of my boobs.

Or the busboy in the back of the Mexican restaurant has it.

All right, look.

Sometimes in life

you have to take a risk

and put yourself out there.

Sometimes it doesn't work.

But sometimes it does.

And sometimes

it works so well that you end up proposing to them

and they say no

and all you're left with is a custom designed ring

that you can't return whose very existence mocks you.

You want to rap about it?

Shut up!

I will have this set up in a sec.

Oh! My back.

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Little chiropractor humor.

I call it "cracking you up."

Hop on up.

How long have you and Paula been dating?

Oh, just a-a couple of weeks.

You know, still holding hands, running the water while I pee.

How long were you and Paul together?

20 years.

Wow. That's pooping while the other one showers.

Uh, so, uh, Paul's change

must have been a big adjustment for you.

Oh, I was pretty angry at first.

When he said he wanted to become a woman, I grabbed a knife

from the kitchen and offered to do the surgery myself.

Woop!

Baggage just stowed for takeoff.

Um, at least the two of you are in a healthy place now.

Oh, it's not easy.