Parks and Recreation

- THIS IS THE FINAL WORD, WITH PERD.

WITH YOUR HOST, PERDERICK L. HAPLEY.

- ISSUE NUMBER ONE IS THE FIRST ISSUE WE'RE GOING TO TALK ABOUT.

IS BOBBY NEWPORT'S CAMPAIGN FOR CITY COUNCIL IN TROUBLE?

WHEN I SAY YOUR NAMES, I WANT YOU TO RESPOND.

DYLAN.

- WELL, NEWPORT'S POLL NUMBERS HAVE BEEN PLUMMETING.

THEY JUST FIRED HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER,

AND WHERE'S BOBBY?

HE'S ON VACATION IN SPAIN.

- HE'S NOT ON VACATION, HE'S IN HIDING.

EVERY TIME THE GUY SPEAKS, HE PUTS HIS FOOT IN HIS MOUTH.

- THAT'S A HILARIOUS IMAGE.

A FOOT IN A MOUTH.

IT'S A COMMON EXPRESSION.

OKAY.

ACCORDING TO THE NEWEST POLLS,

LESLIE KNOPE IS NOW IN SECOND PLACE.

SHE'S JUST 15 POINTS BACK.

WHOA, YEAH!

HOW DID SHE CLOSE THE GAP?

- YOU HAVE TO GIVE A LOT OF CREDIT

TO HER CAMPAIGN MANAGER, BEN WYATT.

- SO APPARENTLY, NEWPORT JUST FIRED HIS CAMPAIGN MANAGER

BECAUSE BEN WAS KICKING HIS ASS.

BEN IS THE BEST CAMPAIGN MANAGER ANYONE COULD EVER HAVE.

EVERY MOVE HE'S MADE HAS WORKED.

HE'S LIKE A BRILLIANT, SEXY, LITTLE HUMMINGBIRD.

WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

- NOTHING. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK.

YOU'RE DOING GREAT.

*

- SENIOR CITIZENS ARE BASICALLY THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO VOTE

IN LOCAL ELECTIONS, SO IF YOU WANT TO WIN,

YOU GOTTA GET THE GRAY VOTE.

AND TO GET THE GRAY VOTE,

YOU NEED TO GET THE ENDORSEMENT OF NED JONES.

HE'S THE PRESIDENT OF PAWNEE SENIORS UNITED.

HE'S LIKE THE GODFATHER BUT OLD.

HE'S LIKE THE GRANDFATHER.

THE GRAND GODFATHER.

- THE "GROND" FATHER, HE'S LIKE--

IT DOESN'T MATTER. HE'S IMPORTANT, AND HE'S OLD.

MR. JONES, SUCH A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU.

PLEASE DON'T GET UP.

- DON'T WORRY. I CAN'T.

- OH. - JUST JOKING.

I CAN GET UP. BUT IT'S DIFFICULT.

BUT I CAN DO IT,

BUT IT IS HARD.

LOOK, I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME.

- OH, GOD. I'M SO SORRY.

IS IT...CANCER?

- NO, I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME BEFORE MY SWIM AEROBICS.

OH.

- WHY ARE YOU BETTER FOR SENIORS THAN BOBBY NEWPORT?

RAMP UP PAWNEE.

PAWNEE IS WAY BEHIND THE TIMES

IN TERMS OF MAKING ITS BUILDINGS WHEELCHAIR ACCESSIBLE.

NOT ENOUGH RAMPS IS THE NUMBER THREE COMPLAINT

AMONG PAWNEE SENIORS...

RIGHT BEHIND "EVERYTHING HURTS" AND "I'M DYING."

YOU WANTED TO SEE ME.

GOOD GOD. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?

UPSIDE-DOWN SIT-UPS.

GREAT EXERCISE, AND IT LITERALLY LETS ME SEE

THE WORLD FROM A DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE.

- ISN'T THERE A MEN'S GYMNASIUM WHERE YOU COULD DO THAT?

- THE WORLD'S MY GYMNASIUM, RON.

BUT I WILL STOP IF IT MAKES YOU UNCOMFORTABLE.

COULD YOU HOLD ME WHILE I DISMOUNT?

- THANKS SO MUCH. - YOU BET.

QUESTION FOR YOU.

IN A TOWN OF THIS SIZE, THE PARKS DEPARTMENT

TRADITIONALLY HAS TEN EMPLOYEES.

YOU HAVE ONLY SEVEN. WHY IS THAT?

- I WORK HARD TO MAKE SURE MY DEPARTMENT

IS AS SMALL AND INEFFECTIVE AS POSSIBLE.

- THE DEPARTMENT IS SO SMALL BECAUSE LESLIE KNOPE

SINGLE-HANDEDLY DOES THE WORK OF FOUR PEOPLE.

AND SHE'S ALREADY SCALED BACK HER TIME.

IF SHE WINS, SHE'LL BE DIVIDING HER TIME

BETWEEN PARKS AND CITY COUNCIL.

I'M GOING TO HAVE TO HIRE A DEPUTY DIRECTOR

TO PICK UP THE SLACK.

- NO! CHRIS, THAT'S UNNECESSARY.

THE DEPARTMENT IS DOING FINE WITHOUT LESLIE.

- THEN PROVE IT. COMPLETE ONE MAJOR PROJECT.

- EITHER WE COMPLETE A GOVERNMENT PROJECT,

WHICH IS ABHORRENT TO ME,

OR WE BRING A NEW PERSON INTO THE DEPARTMENT,

WHICH REPULSES ME TO MY CORE.

REMINDS ME OF WHEN MY DAD MADE ME CHOOSE

WHICH OF MY PET CALVES TO SLAUGHTER WITH MY OWN HANDS

FOR MY SIXTH BIRTHDAY.

I COULDN'T CHOOSE, SO I SLAUGHTERED BOTH OF THEM.

AND THEY WERE DELICIOUS.

- ESSENTIALLY, WE'RE GOING TO PUT A RAMP

ON EVERY BUILDING IN TOWN.

LIKE I ALWAYS SAY,

STAIRS ARE A YOUNG MAN'S GAME.

DAMN STRAIGHT.

THIS IS VERY IMPRESSIVE.

YOU KNOW, YOU REMIND ME OF MY BROTHER.

YOU HAVE THE SAME NAME, LESLIE.

HE LOST A THIRD OF HIS BODY IN A MOTORCYCLE ACCIDENT.

THE MIDDLE THIRD.

BUT THEY SUTURED THE HELL OUT OF HIM.

HE'S-- HE'S FINE NOW.

MUCH SHORTER BUT A GOOD-LOOKING, YOUNG, FLAT MAN.

WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT NEWPORT'S NEW CAMPAIGN MANAGER,

JENNIFER BARKLEY?

UH, WHO?

- SHE WANTS TO HAVE A MEETING 00.

I TOLD HER SORRY.

I DON'T TALK POLITICS AFTER DINNER.

- NEWPORT HIRED A REAL WASHINGTON HOTSHOT.

WOW, SHE WORKED WITH JAMES CARVILLE?

SHE RAN TWO REPUBLICAN CONGRESSIONAL CAMPAIGNS

AND A SENATE RACE.

- YEAH, AND CHECK OUT THIS PICTURE.

SHE'S EATING EGG SALAD WITH COLIN POWELL.

THAT'S THE MOST IMPRESSIVE THING I'VE EVER SEEN.

WHY ARE YOU SMILING?

WHY IS THIS TERRIFYING INFORMATION MAKING YOU SMILE?

NEWPORT'S SCARED.

I MEAN, HE MUST'VE SHELLED OUT A FORTUNE TO HIRE HER.

- SO WHAT DO WE DO NEXT? - I'M GOING TO SET UP A MEETING.

I MEAN, WE CAN SIZE HER UP, BUT MORE IMPORTANTLY,

IT'LL HUMANIZE YOU, MAKE IT HARDER FOR HER TO ATTACK YOU.

AND WE'LL DO IT AT JJ'S DINER.

HOME FIELD ADVANTAGE.

- AS A CANDIDATE, I APPRECIATE YOUR STRATEGIC MIND,

BUT AS WOMAN, ALL I CARE ABOUT IS

YOUR SLIGHT BUT POWERFUL BODY.

HELLO, ANN PERKINS.

- THIS IS THE FIRST TIME YOU'VE SAID MY ENTIRE NAME CORRECTLY.

- NONSENSE. WE ARE CLOSE FRIENDS.

I HAVE GOOD NEWS FOR YOU.

I'M MAKING THE WATER FOUNTAIN HYGIENE UPGRADE

OUR NUMBER ONE PRIORITY.

OH, GREAT.

FOR SOME REASON,

WHEN PEOPLE IN PAWNEE USE THE WATER FOUNTAIN,

THEY PUT THEIR MOUTHS COMPLETELY OVER THE SPOUTS.

IT'S LIKE THIS WEIRD, DISGUSTING, LOCAL QUIRK.

KISS ONE WATER-FOUNTAIN DRINKER,

YOU'RE KISSING EVERYONE IN PAWNEE.

INCLUDING HIM.

- I'D LIKE TO COMPLETE THIS PROJECT

BY...TOMORROW.

OH.

SET UP SHOP IN OUR OFFICE.

IN FACT, TAKE LESLIE'S DESK.

- OKAY, I WILL. THANKS. GREAT.

- DO YOU WANT THE DOOR OPEN OR SHUT?

AH, OPEN'S FINE.

OKAY.

HELLO, MARTA.

WE WOULD LIKE OUR REGULAR TABLE,

BUT WE WANT YOU TO SET IT UP A LITTLE FANCIER THAN NORMAL

BECAUSE WE'RE TRYING TO IMPRESS SOMEONE.

YOU MEAN MS. BARKLEY.

SHE'S ALREADY HERE. LAST BOOTH.

- LESLIE KNOPE. HI.

I'M JEN BARKLEY.

HI. - HI.

GRAB A SEAT.

THANKS.

SORRY ABOUT ALL THESE PAPERS.

I HAD THEM SHIPPED IN. I'M A NEWS JUNKIE.

IS THIS IN ARABIC?

- WELL, I'VE BEEN READING UP ON YOU TWO.

BEN, IT'S A GREAT JOB ON THIS CAMPAIGN.

- OH. WELL, THANK YOU.

- AND LESLIE, YOUR PARKS WORK, IT'S NO JOKE.

THIS IS FEDERAL GOVERNMENT CALIBER.

- NOT TO SOUND RUDE, BUT WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

THIS CAMPAIGN SEEMS BENEATH YOU.

YEAH.

BOBBY NEWPORT'S DADDY CALLED ME OUT OF THE BLUE.

I'D NEVER HEARD OF BOBBY NEWPORT BEFORE,

BUT IT BECAME CLEAR IN TWO SECONDS

THIS GUY IS A MORON.

SO I WAS, LIKE, "SORRY, NICK.

YOUR SON IS A MORON. THERE'S NO WAY."

THEN HE OFFERED ME A CRAZY AMOUNT OF MONEY.

I SHOULDN'T EVEN TELL YOU HOW MUCH.

BUT I WILL. $250,000.

- GOOD LORD. FOR SIX WEEKS OF WORK?

I KNOW.

PLUS FRANKLY, I NEEDED A BREAK FROM WASHINGTON.

DO YOU KNOW JOE BIDEN?

OH, MM-HMM.

HE'S ON MY CELEBRITY SEX LIST.

WELL, HE IS MY CELEBRITY SEX LIST.

- OH, TRUST ME. YOU CAN DO BETTER THAN JOE.

- OH, NO.

I DON'T-- I DON'T THINK I CAN.

NO WAY.