Two Doors Down - Third Season

There she is!

Eric, it's huge.

Well, what we don't eat tonight we can keep and eat tomorrow.

Huh! YOU can eat tomorrow - one night a year eating

the insides of a sheep's quite enough for me, thank you very much.

National dish of Scotland, that is.

You say to anybody in the world, "Name something Scottish,"

- and they'll say? - The Proclaimers.

- No. - Heart disease. - No!

- Knife crime, heroin, Greggs... - No!

They'll say, "haggis"!

RADIO PLAYS "MAGGIE MAY" BY ROD STEWART

- Hi! - Hi, Beth. Happy Burns Day!

It's no' Burns DAY, Cathy, it's Burns NIGHT.

Oh, who gives a fuck?

So, you been out doing a bit of the old haggis hunting, have you, missus?

Oh, yes.

Here, listen, some tourists do actually believe that

a haggis is a real wee animal. ERIC LAUGHS

CATHY LAUGHS WEAKLY

DOORBELL CHIMES

Sit yourselves down.

Ah, yes!

- Christine! - Hello, Beth.

- Everything all right? - The least said the better.

LAUGHTER

Oh, hi, Christine.

- Hullo. - Sit down.

So, eh, how you doing, Christine, all right?

- CHRISTINE SIGHS - I'm OK, Eric.

I'm...OK.

Beth was saying you've been away down seeing Sophie.

- That's right. - Oh, big Sophie, how is she?

She is living in council accommodation with a man who

comes down the stairs in the morning in his underpants

and bare feet and watches cartoons with his headphones in.

- Where is it she's moved to again? - North Wales.

Boy, oh, boy, some journey that, eh?

Oh, you're tellin' me - seven hours I've been on that Stagecoach.

Oh, my arse was numb - I still cannae feel my right cheek.

Well, look, let's get you a drink.

Oh, and how's the baby, Christine, how's wee...baby...?

- Madison. - That's it! Madison.

Col - I told you she was called after our bedroom

furniture from that brochure.

She's a wee angel, so she is.

She's quite heavy-set round the chin and she's got the reflux as well,

so, no sooner has she got the bottle doon her than she's spewing it

- back up on top of you but apart fae that... - Aw, bless her.

Honest to God, Eric, she is the only thing that kept me going.

Well, that and the big bar of Galaxy that

I got for a pound at the service station.

OK - who's for a wee dram?

A wee whisky, well, it would be rude not to on Burns Night.

I'm not a big fan of whisky.

- Oh, what would you like then? - Just a large one with some Diet Coke.

I cannae really take spirits on an empty stomach, Beth.

- Would you like a... - Aye, a wee packet of crisps to go along with it, aye.

So what's the drill tonight, then, Beth?

Well, there's haggis, neeps and tatties and shortbread for afters.

Whit, naebody doing a poem or a song?

Woo-hoo! Sing-song - Colin is a brilliant singer -

he knows the words to stuff.

Aye, but I don't know any Burns songs.

Yeah, but we won't be doing any of that shit.

Right, here we are.

Walkers prawn cocktail, if you've got them, Beth.

We have got a really, really expensive bottle of whisky

that we bought at a distillery up near our time-share, haven't we, Col?

- We have, aye. - That sounds lovely. How old is it?

It's about two weeks ago now, that we bought it, Eric?

OK, shall we have a wee toast?

Aye, that's a good idea!

Woo-oo-oo-f!

THAT is actually not bad.

DOORBELL CHIMES

Cheers!

Happy Burns Night, Mrs Baird!

- Hiya, Mum! - Oh, I like that!

Oh, thank you!! I wanted to wear a kilt but he wouldn't let me.

Aw, why not?

Naw, there's no need for a kilt, you're not even Scottish!

I said I was happy not to wear pants under it.

- Come in, come in. - Actually, could I just use your loo?

If I had worn a kilt I'd be able to walk straight in there and just go for it, wouldn't I?

IAN LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

LAUGHTER

- Hey! - Hey! It's Ian.

- Hi, Ian. - All right, Christine - I thought you were away...

It's all right, Beth.

I was, Ian, but let's just say I came back slightly earlier than expected.

- Right. - We'll draw a line under it.

OK.

Do you know they had me sleeping with a cushion off the couch for a pillow?

- Hello, hello, hello! - Hey! - Oh, it's Gordon!

There he is, gay Gordon.

Gay Gordon, Colin!

- Are you going to do us a dance, Gordon? - Dance! Dance!

- # Deedle, ee, dee, deedle... # - Cathy!

- Yee-ee-ee-ha! - CATHY!

- Hullo, Gordon. - Hello again, Christine. How are you?

I've been in Wales.

You've had your toilet done up, I see, Mrs Baird?

Yeah, yeah. Well, new wallpaper and a lick of paint.

What's this, Beth?

Oh - have you been doing things in your wee toilet

- and not telling anyone? - The difference is incredible!

What is it?

Oh, we redecorated the wee downstairs loo.

Aw, Beth - I liked your toilet.

Well, it did need a bit of a freshen up, didn't it, Eric?

Oh, it did, aye.

I can't think what it was like - I've been in your upstairs

one, at least I think I have.

You have, Colin, remember you were sick in it once

when Beth did the cottage pie with the cheap mince.

So I was!

- Ah, let's get a look at it then. - What?

- Well, I'm needing SOMETHING to cheer me up. - I don't think...

Beth, come on, don't be shy, show us your loo.

DOOR CREAKS

Oh, that's lovely, Beth.

Oh, yes, I like it, Beth.

I can see myself in here quite happy.

Cheap toilet roll, Col.

So, what did you say you'd had done to it?

Well, new wallpaper, new light shade.

Painted the pipe chase, it was really...

It needed painting. Put down a new carpet as well.

- Oh very nice, very nice, who did it? - Eric did.

Ah, you should have said, Eric - I'd have come and given you a hand.

Colin's brilliant at DIY - he's got two paint brushes

and I'm going to buy him an axe.

He did very well, he's done a great job.

That wallpaper's running off at an angle there.

- What? - And your skirting board could do with another coat.

Same silly wee sink, I see as well.

OK. Everyone seen everything they want?

New wallpaper, fresh paint, same silly wee sink,

oh, but we did get a new toilet roll holder.

- New toilet roll holder? - Yes. - How come...

Eric pulled it off the wall. Right, everyone back through please.

Lovely...

So, is this your first time at a Burns Supper then, is it, Gordon?

- Yeah. - I think that deserves a kiss.

You've never been to a Burns Supper, Gordon?

Nope.

Aw, you don't know what you're missing.

Aw, you'll love it - you'll absolutely love it.

- I'm really enjoying it so far. - You enjoy yourself, Gordon.

You deserve to enjoy yourself and to be happy.

Forever.

Him too.

Wait till later, wait 'til it gets going -

because there's nothing like a Burns Supper in full swing.

- What happens? - Everyone gets totally fucked.

Obviously, though, this is just a stupid wee thing in a house,

but see some of the properly organised ones that they have...

- They are unbelievable, Gordon! - Really?

We went to this one in Edinburgh Castle, there was bagpipes, there

was barrel loads of malt whisky, log fires burning, remember it, Cathy?

- Erm? - Remember!

We went back to that hotel with the bath in the middle of the room?

No.

Aw, no, right enough - that's when me and Yvonne were together.

But honestly, Gordon, what a night that was.

It was absolutely tremendous!

It's a shame Christine's trip down to see Sophie didn't go so well.

Aye, who could have predicted that, eh?

That is a long bus journey too.

Certainly for the poor bastard sat next to her.

Eric! Christine's hardly seen that baby since it was born.

Aye, right enough. OK, we all done?

- Yep. - Good.

RADIO PLAYS "SAY WHAT YOU WANT" BY TEXAS

It's nice that Ian's brought Gordon, isn't it?

Give him a wee taste of the old Scottish traditions.

Beth - I've spilt this fucking whisky down the arm of your chair.

Robert Burns is basically like a national

hero in Scotland, Gordon, isn't he, Cath?

Yes.

Cos as well as being a poet, he's sort of a...a romantic hero.

- He was a heart-throb in his day, wasn't he? - Was he?

Oh, aye, all the experts, all the historians, they all agree,

he rode just about every lassie he met.

- I'm sweating like mad with this on. - Take your jacket off.

Wish I had worn a kilt now.

Have you got a kilt yourself, Gordon?

No.

- I've got three. - Have you? - Aye.

I've got a really, really, short tartan skirt that

I sometimes wear, Gordon.

Mine cost a fortune, made to measure,

none of your off the peg tourist shite.

- What tartan are they? - Don't know.

But see that Burns Supper I was tellin' ye aboot, they were

all in kilts - see when the dancing started, God,

Yvonne's eyes were just about popping oot her head!

- Yes, all right, Colin. - What?

- Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne, Yvonne... - I'm only just...