Modern Family

Alex: Well, I'm off.

While I do love our tradition

of still getting together on Saturday

for Thanksgiving leftovers,

maybe next time we can order a Turkey

that doesn't have its own event horizon.

Oh, well, who cares?

I know it's totally gonna slay them

in my astrophysics club.

First time anyone in that club gets slayed.

Let me give you a hug goodbye.

I cannot believe that you're already going to college.

It seems like yesterday when you were a little girl

reading at college level.

Check you out!

Thanks.

I have a hot study partner coming over, so...

What are you making, my little chef?

I'm making pasghetti!

You are adorable.

I remember when I had everyone in the palm of my hand

with a two-foot putt like "pasghetti."

We both know you know how to say it.

Hey, guys, thanks again

for helping me to get that listing.

Cyril's house.

Pretty sexy, huh? Ridonk.

This place makes the playboy mansion

look like an old folks' home.

Which I guess it kind of is now.

Infinity pool, killer views,

state-of-the-art game room, home theater...

Plus that four-person shower.

Did you know that's where cyril met his new husband?

Aww. Mm-hmm.

Even the security code's sexy.

Literally. It spells out "sexy" on the keypad.

Even I think that's trying too hard,

and at this point, I'm mostly body spray.

And that master bathtub alone has been in four rap videos

plus a murder re-creation on a "dateline" special

called "rub-a-dub dead."

Haley: When I was younger,

I was a little embarrassed

my dad was just a real-estate agent.

But as I got older, I realized,

hey, he may not have the coolest job in the world,

but he puts food on the table

and has access to a bunch of empty houses

I can sneak into."

Wow. Nice pool at the three-bedroom in hillgrove.

Well, looky here,

one of my kids showing interest in the family biz.

Oh, I don't know if I'm smart enough for that.

You have to remember so much stuff,

like when anyone's gonna be there.

That's what the datebook's for.

Plus you have to remember

all of those lock-box combinations.

I just use a very special birthday.

Aww.

Houdini's.

I left my watch by cyril's tub.

I'm usually extra careful not to leave any trace

that I was at one of my dad's houses,

but this tub has 16 pulsating jets,

and the whole floor vibrates

with something called "Swedish release."

It took me 20 minutes to find my car in the driveway.

I'm so sorry, grandpa.

I have to go do this thing for work.

Thanks. Hold on.

No one leaves this house without a bag of meat. Mm.

Bye, honey.

Can you believe how conscientious

our little girl has become?

Racing off to work on a Saturday.

There's a 30% chance she thinks it's Friday,

but still. Mm-hmm.

Are you still mad at me?

Mmmmm-hmm.

I lost my cool on Phil last night.

But in my defense, I had been traveling all day,

and we had different ideas

about how we were gonna spend the evening.

Phil: Get in here right now.

Get in this tub, you dirty girl.

Oh, honey, that is so sweet,

but I've been up since 5:00 A.M.

Don't overthink it, babe. Just take the plunge.

Oh, good, you're back.

Could you grab the underwater camera?

You're bathing with them now?

They waddled into the garage and got oil on them.

And then when they were in here by themselves,

all they wanted to do was horse around, so...

I spent the morning in Berkeley

and the afternoon in Portland.

I deserve to feel clean again.

But now the nice, soothing tub

that I've been dreaming about all day

is filled with feathers and motor oil

and probably bird flu.

So, no. No. You just sit tight,

and I will use the hose in the backyard.

Could you still grab the camera?

Okay. I was harsh.

But the flight back from Portland was rough.

The overheads were packed with foldable bikes,

and I was sitting next to a guy using a typewriter.

Still, Phil is really holding on to this one.

Mmmmm-hmm.

Pft. Well, Phil's mad at me.

Come here, little girl.

Let me give you a hug.

You're not shy with those hugs today, are you?

Oh, and come here. Oh, me too?

I don't know what it is,

but I get so emotional around the holidays.

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Oh, God.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Andy: Mr. Dunphy? Is that you?

Haley?

Andy, wh... uh, what are you doing here?

Setting up for an open house tomorrow.

What are you d...

Splish, splash, who was taking a bath?! Me.

I snuck over last night, but the faucet leaked,

and I guess I was so mellowed out

I forgot to drain the tub.

That's pretty darn mellowed out.

Were you burning incense?

Uh, yep. Sure was. Okay.

Well, I'll lay some towels down. You drain the tub.

Is it stuck?

No, I'm checking my makeup in the reflection.

Yes, it's stuck.

Here. Let me help.

No, no. I can get it.

Here. Okay.

Unh! Aah!

Oh! Oh, my God.

Relax, I'm okay.

No. Isn't this the tub from the lil Wayne video?

Huh. Huh!

I put our clothes in the dryer.

I made an executive decision...

Went with the Irish Mountain dryer sheets.

What does an Irish Mountain smell like?

We'll find out in 30, 35 minutes.

Hey, uh, don't tell my dad I was here, okay?

I suppose I could do you that wee favor.

Do me a second favor...

Yeah, I don't love it, either.

Mm.

Hey, why were you

taking a bath over here, anyway?

Oh, I just wanted a few hours to myself.

You know, I live in my parents' basement, I broke up with Dylan,

I was depressed about how much I ate at Thanksgiving...

You broke up with Dylan, huh?

Yeah. Actually, it was the day

that we saw you and Beth at that movie.

You guys seemed so great together

I guess I just thought, "I want that."

I am pretty lucky.

But for what it's worth,

Beth and I are not perfect.

Things come up when you plan a wedding.

Really? There's such a thing as mormon drama?

There was when Beth's Uncle found out

we're serving coffee at the reception.

Plus, she doesn't want me to have a bachelor party.

At all?

It is one night before the rest of your life.

You should do it up. That's what I said.

Well, to my mirror, but you're right.

I deserve one adventure before I settle down.

Oh! Look what you did. Here.

Well, yeah, I mean, you got to do something fun.

Um... Maybe you try and fix it.

Yeah. It should be simple enough.

O...Kay...

I did not mean to do that.

Um, maybe try this one?

Huh.

Maybe we shouldn't touch any more buttons.

Right.

Uh... What were we talking about?

Having an adventure.

Oh, God, is that my dad?

'Tis a fine kettle of fish we're in!

Get in the laundry room!

Man: And sad news from the zoo,

chuffa the panda has suffered a m...

Stop touching stuff!

Mitchell: Wow, you're not shy